Sausage Life 324

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column firmly aimed at the louche, disaffected bon viveur and the properly bearded man-about-town

MYSELF: Why the gormless grin?

READER: I’ve just booked my annual holiday with Smitboo^tmthe travel agency that’s taking the world by storm.

MYSELF: Whats so amazing about them?

READER: They’ve come up with a brilliant new holiday concept: why not visit the place where your favourite TV show was shot? Smitboo^tm are offering all inclusive trips to iconic locations such as Coronation Street in Manchester, where you can stay at Mavis’s house, and have a pie and a pint in The Rover’s Return before undergoing a sex-change operation. Or how about lounging around in your pants all day shouting in people’s faces, smoking crack and manufacturing crystal meth on the set of Eastenders in London?

MYSELF: Sounds irrisistable. Which one are you doing?

READER: I have booked two weeks in Nutwood, where I hope to bump into Rupert Bear & his friends, especially Bill Badger and Tiger Lily, the conjuror’s daughter

CHEWBACCATTACK
Several people were arrested and charged with causing a public affray last Saturday outside The Upper Dicker Hippodrome which was playing host to ComicCon25, the cosplay festival for late developers. A fracas ensued after two men entered the theatre dressed as C-Threepio and Chewbacca, two mechanical characters from Star Wars, only to be confronted by the club’s autonomous heavily-armed security robots. Things rapidly escalated when the two men and several members of staff who sprang to their assistance were instantly incinerated by the droids’ 300,000-volt Death Tasers.
“We hold our hands up,” said Bob Squirrel, the theatre’s events manager, “The Chinese-made security robots malfunctioned when their facial recognition systems incorrectly identified the chaps wearing the Star Wars outfits as a level-9 hostiles and acted accordingly. We have contacted Robocop4S, the security company who supplied them, and they have promised a thorough investigation. Lessons must be learned”.
After a thorough search of the building, officers concluded that the two rogue security robots had fled the scene and although there have been reported sightings of the pair trying to chat up a fixed odds betting terminal in a branch of BetMug365 in Cockmarlin, they are still at large. Only the previous week firearms officers had attended another incident at the same venue, during a matinee performance of Cats, when terrified customers were forced to take refuge in the Hippodrome’s basement. “A helicopter containing an armed rapid-response unit sped to the scene” police chief Hydra Gorgon told us, “but by the time my men got there the situation had escalated somewhat, and the unfortunate casualties, sadly now reduced to piles of smouldering ash, were pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics”.

THE SAUSAGE LIFE INSOLUBLE CROSSWORD No 4

The first correct entry will receive a set of singing golf clubs signed by Justin Beiber. Runners up may choose from the following: a steam-powered humane mousetrap containing a tiny truckle of Tibetan Yak’s cheese, a 12-month subscription to What Umbrella or a limited edition signed and numbered print of Bowl of Weetabix I Spilled on my Persian Carpet by Tracy Eminem (series of 500,000).

Answers on a 300gm goatskin vellum souvenir postcard featuring the Taj Mahal to: [email protected]

ACROSS

1.How dare you. I’m calling the police right now(5)

4.We’ll have to put a laugh track on it (6)

9.Like an angry leek (7)

10.redder than a courgette (5)

11.A trained anteater is very efficient, assuming it doesn’t have a sweet tooth(4)

12.You can’t have one oop. (7)

13.Parsimonious generosity. (3)

14.Too angular for a Scot. (4)

16.Yes we do have some bananas actually(4)

18.It ain’t exactly rocket salad(3)

20.OK I’ll take one (7)

21.Demented window(4)

24.Who’s shouting!?(5)

25.Just put it in the vice, you won’t feel a thing (7)

26.Satisfied, but still hungry (6)

27. Canasta scars

	DOWN
1	Extrude Baldly (6)
2	Calf got your liver?(5)
3	Poltergeist soap plot(4)
5	Carborundum flakes (8)
6	My institutional trousers don’t fit! (5-2)
7	Gorgonzola or puberty? It’s up to you(6)
8	You can’t have one pyjama (5)
13	Hopeless with fish(8)
15	Scunthorpe is on fire at last! (7)
17	Shenannigans over the Alps (6)
18	Slap your puma(5)
17	The tomb of the unknown warthog (6)
18	No soap (5)
19	Why not? (6)
22	Eels? Just in time. (5)
23	Legged it with the caramels whilst no-one was looking(4)

THROWING THE BOOKYWOOK
I received this rose-scented letter, hand delivered by a professional boxer, from Russell Brand’s soliciters Milqueflote, Taxidermy & Paradigm, after I was overheard (allegedly) reciting a rude limerick about him in a pub:

Sir, We hereby serve notice that in our legal opinion, the phonoaesthetic comic rhetoric with which, it is alleged, you have associated our client Mr. Brand, the self-appointed protector of the circuitous, and sworn enemy of the apothegmatic, amounts to a clear a case of aggravated iambic slanderosity with undertones of irony and aforethought. May we remind you that our client, an unswerving upholder of circumlocution and a staunch defender of humbug and windbaggery, arguably provides the only barrier between obfuscatory monosyllabicism and pleonastic tautology. Never in the field of human endeavour………the letter goes on for about 350 more pages and quotes 200 character witnesses including a tramp called Cyril who once sold Russell some freeze dried sheep’s milk, claiming it was high grade polynesian crack cocaine.

SPOUTO
Professor Gordon Thinktank has been ruminating on one of the most pressing sociological concerns of our age; bag-based teapot spout blockage. His solution requires the addition of only a few drops of Thinktank’s revolutionary hybrid chemical “Spouto” developed over several years in the inventor’s Hastings laboratory. He told us: “Although the design of the teapot has changed little since the ancient Greeks first thought of adding a curved spout in order to facilitate accurate pouring, one modern innovation has altered our relationship with the tannin-laced pick-me-up; teabags. Marvellous for making a single cup of tea but not quite up to snuff when it comes to a well attended cup and saucer gathering.”
TEABAGGERS
Choking back tears the professor added: “No self-respecting member of the trades union movement could forget the Great Tadcaster Teabag Rebellion of 1963, when angry members of Yorkshire’s “Bugger the Baggers ” movement hurled over 11 tonnes of Tetley teabags into Bridlington harbour. These brave protesters failed to turn the tide, and the ubiquitous teabag remains a kitchen staple to this day.”

Thinktank claims that Spouto, properly applied, will free any teapot spout from teabag blockage in a matter of hours, after which tea may be poured with a fluid, free flowing action not dissimilar to that of Niagra Falls in Buffallo, New York.

Sausage Life!

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Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

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JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

https://vimeo.com/user129836501

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