It’s time to get to the classroom and climb aboard the podium or the dais. I’m not sure if they’re the same thing or if there’s a difference. Perhaps I shall simply get behind the lectern. I’m not sure of the best terminology, and have no wish to be seen as pedantic, but I suppose the correct word matters when all is said and done, when the accounts are audited, and when the day of judgement arrives, which does not seem so far off, the way things seem to be going. This is a key element of the lesson, and pedagogy should never be underestimated. Let’s be honest. Almost everything I do these days is for the sole purpose of self-amusement. And once I’ve been amused the purpose is served and I forget about it and move on. On the other hand, perhaps nothing is true and I am on a hiding to nothing, and my father was right when he said I would be doing the world a favour if I stuck to something harmless and devoted my life to working in a greengrocers, or somewhere of the same sort.
I’m distracted by a young lady, I have no idea what her name is, sat at the front of the class sucking suggestively on a lollipop: she is wearing a delightful summer frock, a little off-the-shoulder number, of varying shades of green, and that to my discerning eye appears to be made of probably a cotton and polyester mix and upon which (I am using binoculars) are depicted a number of rabbits frolicking in and out between trees and up and down the hillocks and under a cloudless sky and fauns are grazing as upon grass and against a tree reclines a young man reading a book of love poetry upon which he has only half his mind, the other half being upon the absence of romance in his life, and he is thinking about the milkmaid, a lass rosy-cheeked and of comely form, to whom he has addressed his own gentle verses, none of which he has as yet deemed fit or fine enough to give to her while he is also acutely aware that he lacks self-confidence and may not have the courage ever to give his verses to a maiden to whom he has never spoken, and it is all very well for a dashing romantic hero to take a damsel’s breath away with his swish and good looks and seductive verses but he thinks this is surely just one example among many proving that fiction is one thing and fact is very much another thing, while a rabbit comes to sniff for a moment around his feet and I think it best to leave this paragraph here and move on: I have a very active imagination and if I have a problem it’s a tendency to lose focus.
So, back to ‘Rhetoric 101’ and today’s lesson, which is going swingingly. While I am of course reluctant to sing my own praises, having been brought up to know better, although father was wrong, I am, even though I say so myself, a gifted teacher and communicator, blessed with a natural and easy affability and a classroom manner that makes me a favourite with 90% of my students. The 10% who do not care for me are not really worth thinking about, to be honest. And, as usual, the lesson goes off without a hitch: after around an hour and a half of explaining the difference between sarcasm and irony with the aid of examples from great and not-so-great literature, clips from films and television sitcoms and a rather witty PowerPoint presentation, all that remains is to say I’m sure you have understood everything I’ve said because I know how smart you are and I hope you all have a pleasant weekend.
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Conrad Titmuss
Picture Nick Victor
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