The World According To Your Mum Does The Washing

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO YOUR MUM DOES THE WASHING

            Capitalism:

Your mum does the washing. You pay her a dollar. You get
her to do your mates washing. Your mate pays you £50.

            Communism:

Your mum does the washing. You do the washing.

Every night you salute a photo of your dad.

            Socialism:

Your mum does the washing. You do the cooking.
Everybody is happy, in theory.

            Fascism:

Your mum does the washing under the threat of violence.

            Nazism:

Your mum does the washing. You gas the laundry room.

            Feudalism:

Your mum does the washing and pays you tax

            Liberalism:

You watch your mum do the washing and feel really really
bad. ‘Something must be done’ you say.

            Libertarianism:

Your mum does the washing. You believe you did it.
 
            Religion:

Your mum does the washing. You thank god.

            Atheism:

Your mum does the washing. You make a YouTube video
demanding peer reviewed evidence she did, in fact, do
the washing

            Misogny:

You hate your mum whether or not she does the washing.

            Patriarchy:

Your mum doesn’t exist. The washing is mysteriously
done.

            Matriarchy:

Your mum does the washing. You do the cooking. You are
really happy pulling your weight in the house.

            Feminism:

Your mum insists you grow up and do your own washing.

            White feminism:

Your mum hired a woman of colour to do the washing.

            Male feminism:

That one time you did the washing, you told everyone
about it and you blogged about it, bragged about it, took
a selfie, Insta story, went on Oprah, won an Oscar, went
on Fortnite, did a dance. You’re an ally, hashtag me too.

            Hollywoodism:

You are Colin Farrell. Your mum is Angelina Jolie. There
is sexual tension. An unnamed black maid does the
washing.

            Cultural appropriation-ism:

While your mum does the washing, you steal her dirty
clothes and mimic her in public. Public gives you money.

            Colonialism:

You barge into mum’s room. Claim you ‘discovered’ her
room. Dump your dirty clothes on the floor.

            Americanism:

Your mum does the washing. It’s in the constitution.
END OF DISCUSSION

            Mansplaining:

Your mum does the washing. You tell her how best to do
the washing. You have never done the washing.

            Misandry:

That one time your mum refused to do the washing is
proof she hates you.

            Egalitarianism:

You did the washing. Everything is equal now. No one
needs feminism any more.

            Hip Hop:

Everyday I’m hustling/ every day I’m hustling/ when I
bring the basket/ mama put the washing in.

            Hotepism:

Black women are queens. The white man is a devil. The
black race must open their eyes. Mum does the washing.

            Narcissism:

You look good in the clothes your mum washed.

            Surrealism:

The washing does your mum.

 

Joshua Idehen

This is a poem from Songbook. Collected Works, which is
available from Bad Betty Press and all good bookshops.

 

Songbook comprises verses from Mercury-nominated and MOBO-winning albums by Sons of Kemet and The Comet Is Coming, alongside watershed poems of spoken word legend, newly captured in book form. From Poejazzi and Benin City to a string of supreme collaborations, Idehen’s impact resonates far and wide across the landscapes of poetry and jazz/electronica. Cross-examining colonialism, masculinity, mental health and ways of healing, his writing is an essential provocation, a diasporic dance, a comedy roast, an intervention, a cannonball from which no one is safe, least of all himself.