Thirteen Ways in which Dave is Difficult to Communicate With

1  After Harvesting:
Despite weeks of plucking, gathering
    and reaping, cooling, sorting and packing,
    the scythe and sickle remain constantly at
    Dave’s side. One can only hope for the
    autumnal equinox to pass.  

2 After Bell-ringing:

   Conversation rarely promises to be a treat.
   Dave’s tone is steeped  in campanological
   pattern, his bearing that of one who has climbed
   a tower or mountain, seen the view, and  wishes
`  to share his findings with others
   that may benefit from his wisdom.
 3  When accompanied by a bird of prey on his wrist:

   This does give Dave impact on arrival
   and a degree of  ‘eye-catching appeal’.
   But concern about being attacked,
   blinded or pecked by Kenny, Howard
   or Baldy, is such that it precludes
   any form of fruitful social exchange.

 4  After breakfasting in the summerhouse:

   Dave’s stride becomes bounding. And
   yes – he’s breezy – but, one can’t help feeling,
   too breezy. And too bounding.

 5  After walking amongst fallen apples:

   Dave embraces what can only be described
   as ‘poetic mode’. Communication with one
   of the reclusive and increasingly remote
   Masai Bushmen would be equally rewarding.

 6 After using his lectern as a pulpit: 

  Having commanded much respectful attention
  in his efforts at moral instruction, Dave wears
  his saintliness as a form of heritage; however
  his perorations are largely alive to what many
  will always consider to be ‘the unexplained’.

After playing chess in Venice:

   Circumspection gives way to languid,
   laconic questioning, rarely condusive
   to any form of relaxed reciprocity.  
 8  After wearing his fake beard:

   This always gives Dave a ‘Dutch rash’
   his constant scratching more than a distraction.

 9 When his arms are below his legs:

  Never a slave to conformity, Dave has frequently
  welcomed new and unusual methods in the workplace. 
  However – re the above – best to simply leave a message.

10 After listening to Captain Kidd and the Peglegs:

   Dave gets far too full of that ‘funky pie’.

11 When he’s been on the duck sherry:

   His wooziness knows no bounds. Nor borders.

12  Having recently used his ‘Too Good to Queue’ card:

   Having signed up for, embraced (and been accepted by)
   this highly elitist initiative – as controversial as it is hard
   to enforce – Dave takes on an insufferably arrogant air,
   thereby not much disposed to accommodate any other
   point of view or opinions. He always knows best.

13  After bowling between the hip and the heart:

   All he talks about is ‘his victims’.

Phil Bowen



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