Rumours are circulating the Formula One pit lane that BBC commentator David Coulthard will be forced to take drugs throughout the rest of the season in an attempt to make the tedious sport seem more exciting.
Viewing figures for F1, historically referred to as TV tamazepam, took another battering at the first race of the year in Australia where thirteen of the twenty starters became so bored they parked their cars in the pits and wondered off looking for something else better to do. Even former ex-World Champion Fernando Alonso claimed he had ‘memory problems’ so he could go home early rather than drive his new Mclaren because it was so dull. Fearing David Coulthard’s commentary was already responsible for losing the BBC three thousand viewers a week, Old Auntie bosses have finally decided that drugging him is the only way.
Martin Seismic, overseeing Motorsport at the Beeb, stated, ‘Basically we’re up shit chicane without a steering wheel. We have two problems. Number one, F1’s as boring as watching somebody else’s extortionately expensive paint dry – in the dark. Even Hamilton’s old girlfriend has fucked off somewhere else to sell her yogurt. Secondly, David sounds like a slowly deflating bagpipe droning on about ‘race management’, ‘tyre management’, ‘strategy management’ and bloody ‘management management ‘ to the point where he makes the races sound as exciting as paying off a mortgage even when the cars are crashing in flames. With half a pound of crystal meth up the old, thistle-faced jockstrap he will be able to make ‘Celebrity Bake Off’ seem as exciting as Luke Skywalker blowing up the Death Star. Never mind making this disgusting corporate waste of money seem intriguing. It’s the only way. Anyway, look what it did for Murray Walker’s career and indeed the whole sport in general.’
David’s enormous chin will be heard uncontrollably juddering about the next boredom strewn GP (Mercedes/Red Bull advert) from Malaysia next Sunday. The race will be broadcast live on BBC 1 at who-gives-a-fuck o’clock on Sunday morning and repeated at I-thought-I-told-you-the-first-time-I-don’t-give-a-fuck o’clock on Sunday evening.