Some thoughts on the General Election 2015

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1. Lets not have any more elections. The idea of elections every five years is outdated, elections are expensive and time consuming, we should look to a progressive country like China for a better example, the Chinese have streamlined their political system to just one party with no elections. Think of the efficiency savings – they would be enough to make George Osborne giddy, so giddy he might change his name back to Gideon or Giddy Ian or Giddy Ian Duncan Smith Ate My Hamster.

2. Boris Johnson’s hair is not as wild as reported. Contrary to popular belief the man no one knows as BoJo does not have anything other than a regular amount of straw like hair, that looks slightly unkempt. The press inches gathered by his fairly normal barnet speak of a greater malaise in the blandness of political haircuts, there are no mohicans in the house of commons, no one has attempted anything crazy with hair dye, there are no dreds, there are just rows and rows of greyish short back and sides. Another good reasons to vote for the Greens.

3. Nigel Farage may be out of a job in a few weeks time. The pub-bore who looks remarkably like a toad has promised to resign as leader of UKIP if he fails to win the seat of Thanet. Farage has built an image of himself as a jovial anti-establishment figure who it would supposedly be not such a bad idea to have a few pints with. However I can’t think of anyone I’d rather avoid in a pub, Farage reminds me of the boring old git who wont shut up about tractors at the village fête, he leads a party of borderline nut jobs, some of whom believe gay marriage provokes floods, quite a few of whom fiddle expense accounts, all of whom have no place in the mainstream of UK politics.

4. The term ‘General Election’ is dull. Generally speaking these elections we’re having are quite general in nature, as a general rule, I generally tend to vote. But really why are these elections general? What does the general part actually mean? Are we voting for Generals? Perhaps one of the reasons so few young people vote is because of how boring the term is, how about ‘Super Funky Election’, ‘Mad Real Election’ or ‘LOLZORD ROFFLECOPTER TOTES AMAZEBALLS Election’, terms much more likely to capture the imaginations of the young than ‘general’.

5. No matter who you vote for there will only be one winner. Almost all modern elections are won by ‘did not vote’, making apathy easily the largest political concern, or lack of concern, in the country. In accordance with this we should probably not have a government at all, or instead be led by a bunch of good-for-nothing, self promoting charlatans, oh wait, we already are.

6. Nick Clegg may not hold onto his seat. The Liberal Democrats are polling so low that they could probably be beaten by a one issue pro-meercat party. One of many seats under threat is the Deputy PM’s own, though fortunately he is not running directly against a meercat. If Nick Clegg is not elected it will leave gaping hole in UK politics, not because he is of any real importance, but who can we blame for the mess we’re in if there is no Nick Clegg to blame?

 

Charlie Baylis

 


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