In an unprecedented move this week President Trump announced that Israel will be formally moved to the US. The news was unanimously welcomed by Arab leaders throughout the Middle East –along with a majority of world leaders- as it had been feared that Trump foolishly planned to move Israel’s existing capital from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, a potentially disastrous step with grave ramifications for the Palestinian Israeli conflict and almost certainly guaranteeing an escalation in hostilities both across the entire region and into the global sphere by breaking the Holy City’s 1948 UN-assigned neutral status first established to minimize historical religious tensions. Islamic communities around the world, along with 98% of all Earth citizens, breathed a communal sigh of relief when White House officials announced a last-minute change in the presidents’ plans and that the new occupied territories will be Trump’s deserted Plaza in Atlantic City which will be renamed ‘Israel II The New Second Coming‘ or ‘The New Holy Land Atlantic City Heights Plaza Strip‘ for short and feature a two-thousand mile long 30 ft high ‘Mexican-style’ surrounding wall.
President Trump explained the thinking behind his plans in a Tweet made whilst eating a pizza on the toilet, ‘This plan is a great plan. A plan which is truly great. Yes, truly, truly great. We first considered moving Israel’s capital from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem but then, after I saw a great film last week called Cast A Giant Shadow where Kirk Douglas moves Israel from the Bible to Palestine, I thought if Kirk can move countries round like that why can’t I? What a great movie. So, henceforthrighteously I have chosen to make the new Israel in Atlantic City and call it ‘Israel II The New Second Coming‘ or ‘The New Holy Land Atlantic City Heights Plaza Strip‘ for short, after some great advice from my truly great team of hand-picked advisers. Great advise and a great name. After all, America and Israel already share many great policies like; great democracy, war, religion, secret nuclear weapons, normal nuclear weapons, lots of other weapons, new weapons, old weapons, conventional weapons, space weapons, chemical weapons, weapons in general, giving weapons to each other, especially us giving weapons to them, using weapons in wars, invasions, occupations, stealing countries, regime change, did I mention wars and weapons? Oh and money, Goldman Sachs and putting a huge 40 ft menorah in your front garden at Christmas. What great countries we both truly are. Happy Hanukkah to my best friend Benjamin Netanyahu. I love ya Bibi!’
This is not the first time Israel has been relocated as it was last moved from the minds of British politicians 100 years ago in 1917 onto a piece of paper called The Balfour Treaty which was then sent to Baron Lionel Walter Rothschild and drawn onto his extremely expensive map of the world. Speaking on the epochal events unfolding on the world scene, both now and over the past century, acclaimed peace activist and member of the recent Israeli and Palestinian Women’s Peace March Professor Eirene Pax PhD, commented, ‘Let’s face it, the 100 years since it’s [Israel’s] last relocation have been a bit of a [coughs]… can I say headache? for everyone concerned, and unconcerned for that matter, so let’s hope that Israel can finally get on with its new neighbours which, apparently, already outnumber existing Israelis in its present location.’
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