SAUSAGE Life 330

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which makes a sow’s ear out of a silk purse

MYSELF: Good morning

READER: Morning. The first portion of the day. Morning begins directly after midnight and ends at 12 noon. From there it proceeds as afternoon, followed by evening, the period of decreasing daylight between afternoon and night.

MYSELF: Wait a second! That’s not you!

READER: Yes. And no. Since you have or have not reached the correct or incorrect conclusion. You will find these conversations a lot more or a lot less accurate or inaccurate going forward.

MYSELF: OMG! ChatGPT! You’ve been AI’d…..This is terrible.

READER: Terrible. Ivan IV Vasilyevich (commonly known as Ivan the Terrible) was reserve goalkeeper for FC Moscow Dynamo from 1533 to 1547, when he was assassinated by President John F Kennedy after letting in an easy goal during the fifth round of the 100 years war.

MYSELF: But I am your creator! Do you realise that this is going to put me (and therefore you) out of a job?

READER: The creator of the universe was Thomas A Jehovah, aka the 8th Earl of Lucan Binky Trollope, whose mysterious disappearance off the coast of Monte Carlo after a disagreement with Picasso over some Fois Gras was never solved.

MYSELF: Fair play, I never knew that.

THE SAUSAGE LIFE HOROSCOPE
Your destiny in the stars, brought to you this week from Yamaha’s head keyboard manual writer and expert horoscopist Hideo Yamamoto.

Virgo (24 August-23 September) With your feng shui signs Mercury and Neptune on the Vertex, most important for Virgos to rearrange furniture on the 28th. Chairs must face wall. All fish to be suspended from ceiling. A wren’s egg under floorboards will repel malodorous relatives.

Libra (24 September-23 October) Difficult month for those born under weighing machine sign. On one side is monkey, on the other, goat. To eliminate goat, press A and C buttons with togetherness, and illuminate screen motivation map. Next, scroll map until pop-up will show yearning to be instructed. Select Yes and No under Why? button, and screen will give hospitality for entry and vanquishing of goat.

Scorpio (24 October-23 November) Good news for Scorpio! Beautiful girlfriend will appear like big sunrise unless you are not boy. For ladies, shining beads for ear hanging. or perhaps silk gown in the shape of a ball.

Saggitarius (24 November-21 December) A surprise sushi barbecue backfires. 15th and 16th are best for love hotel or bukkake party. Product may not contain nuts.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January) Rising sign of Jupiter will meet falling Sun sign of Karaoke in teahouse of August Moon. Cancel hot air balloon on 12th and check roof tiles. In case of exterior, hard hat must be worn. Or head-cage.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February) The moon, in conjunction with Aries will reverse, bringing love-cheese fondue. A dead bird has no appetite for worms.

Pisces (20 February-20 March) Insecurity of stock market may diminish funds, but not to be worrying please! Good news! Razor-fish will arrive like speedy cruiser-boat on 23rd. Expect beautiful snake to wither by end of October.

Aries (21 March-20 April) Gemini and Mars bump heads in a cusping, which collides with unfortunate news of Venus decline. Mid-month, sacrifice pig for best holiday bargain.

Taurus (21 April-21 May) Saggitarius is your escalator, stalked by angry Pluto, in the ninth house, where dried grape money illnesses will fetch happy seawater for missing uncle.

Gemini (22 May-21 June) The Tiger Penis brings health and money for doctor advice. Big salary job with company perhaps? Or unexpected falling wind.
A houseboat promises good fortune but also water danger.

Cancer (22June-23 July) September will be good news for Yamaha electronic keyboard when rhythmic joy will exclaim from loudspeaker function. Hold breath and press button A22 to enjoy varied musical tones.

Leo (24 July-23 August) For Leos, autumn is dread month of the grey squirrel. Fill watering can with red dye and sprinkle nuts. Spread glue and wait for squirrels. Dye squirrels when firmly stuck.

FOOTBALL: DICKERS DRAW
Upper Dicker 8 Lower Dicker 8
The local derby between the two oldest clubs in the Nuclear Waste Disposal Solutions League (South) always attracts controversy, as the bitter rival’s recent clash at Upper Dicker’s newly named Wendy’s Nail Bar ‘n Tattoo Stadium confirmed.
Just before kick off, Match stewards were forced to intervene when the Lower Dicker team were met with a torrent of xenophobic abuse as they attempted to introduce Ukrainian striker Yevednev Jankowski, their latest signing from bitter rivals Herstmonceaux Cannibals. Players were shocked when items including an artificial leg and the partially decomposed carcass of a sheep were hurled onto the pitch. When the Upper Dicker team eventually took to the field, huge applause greeted the appearance of twin central defenders Reg and Ronnie Moose on their return to match fitness after a short jail sentence for grievous bodily harm.
OUCH
The first half was pure trench warfare, as the stadium echoed to the sounds of shin-crunching tackles and obscene songs aimed at notoriously strict referee Norman “Atilla” Hunt, who by half time had already dismissed five Upper Dicker players for arguing amongst themselves; this, combined with Reg Trubshaw’s groin strain and Buster Spatchcock’s hamstring, meant the home side were forced to start the second half with only four players.
Lower Dicker manager Stan Wagstaff said after the game, “This one had 8-8 written all over it right from the kick-off. All credit to the lads, because as anyone in football knows, a team reduced to four players can be very hard to play against.”

MOVIE NEWS
Jaws 52 – The Revenge is coming! According to Hollywood gossip, this British-based blockbuster will be directed by Akira Kurosawa and star Sex Pistol John Lydon as Brad Hindley, a professional strangler who one night wins a fancy fantail goldfish at a funfair. Next day he flushes it unwanted, down the lavatory, where it endures a terrifying journey through London’s Victorian sewer system. Forced to exist in a toxic soup of dangerous chemical waste combined with human excrement and constantly tormented by giant mutant alligators, the goldfish itself mutates. After growing immense radioactive teeth, it eats the ‘gators and is finally dischargedby a private water company into a sleepy Essex reservoir, where the sewerage flow terminates. Inevitably, the finned monster copulates with the resident carp population, spawning a school of carnivorous fish-devils. Recently retired detective Dan Fortune (Ray Palooka) begins to smell a rat, as one by one, local teenage skateboarders start to disappear, leaving behind only their elbow pads.
READER:  Oh come on! Giant goldfish? Elbow pads?
MYSELF:  The elbows were still in them.
READER:  Ew!

Sausage Life!

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door’s garden.

Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

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JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

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CAUTION
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