In the beginning, the beginning began with Top Dog (TD) Bojo and his sidekick, Top Dog Advisor, Dombo, herding the dogs towards national doggy immunity. No need for muzzles, apparently. Not too many rabid dogs on the horizon – yet!
Then, as lots of older dogs, especially those in Dogs’ Homes started to lose their mortal leashes, Dombo got the heave-ho. Dogs now were only allowed limited exercise times. Shortages of Pedigree Chum ensued. And there appeared totally confusing new regulations and words. In fact, TD Bojo commissioned a special upbeat song as the Disunited Kingdom entry into the Eurovision Song Contest. The title?
‘Mediation and Mitigations,’ or, ‘Self-Congratulations’ as some called it!
It wasn’t long though until Bojo was telling the world that his pack of dogs were the luckiest, safest, happiest dogs in the world. But they would now need to wear muzzles when venturing outside of their homes. But, the Bojo Message was Forever Upbeat:
Not only were they enjoying the highest number of Covid cases in Europe and more intensive care in doggy hospitals, but lucky dogs that they were, increasing numbers were heading off to Doggy Heaven. TD Bojo told all the doggies that they were blessed with the most intelligent Research Vets in the world, that TD Bojo’s government were following their most esteemed vetinary advice. And anyway, England was dead on course to Change the World, with miracle jags…and the arrival of the G-Gnomes. Bojo proclaimed,
“We have the biggest, best-est Vets in the World. Bar None.”
Apparently, doggy research tests were being carried out to improve the Jag-for-G-Gnomes Plan B. This seemed to be a wag or two of the tail different to the earlier Doggy Pack Immunity Plan A. It required the adoption of the Two-Jag approach. Some dogs were very much of the opinion that all “Jags are Bad” or “Illegal”. Woofs and howls of protest were heard across the land, often in opposition to each other: “Two Jags Good” and “Two Jags Bad”.
This was followed by more confusion as, Bojo called on the assistance of one of the Royal Ones, namely, the Duchess of Cambridge, who rapidly became the public face of the: ‘Stay-Kate-Nation’ holiday policy. The doggies of the UK were enticed with furlough-treats to get-jagged, not jet-lagged.
‘No 2 x Jag Passport – No Treats’
Almost 19 months from the ‘Beginning’, doggies were being urged that they needed passports in Wales or Scotland if they were to get any more walkies or treats. This was even more complicated and confusing for many doggies with learning difficulties as TD Bojo announced:
“If a dog you live with has symptoms of COVID-19, or has tested positive for COVID-19, you will not need to self-isolate if:
- you’re fully vaccinated – this means 14 days have passed since your second COVID-19 jag given by the NHS Vet.” …But…
“It’s a legal requirement for doggies to self-isolate – and only exercise in your own home or garden, if you are told to isolate by NHS Test and Trace. You could be fined if you do not self-isolate.”
Unsurprisingly, many dogs were becoming increasingly Barking Mad. Many had stopped using Track and Trace. Many had never even heard of Track and Trace.
Bojo and his Top Dogs started to change tack, and modify their language. Instead of saying that they were “controlling” the virus, they now spoke of “managing” it, or, “living with it.” Or, perhaps more sinisterly, “dying from it”. And if the procession of never-ending-statistics are to be believed, doggies in Wales, then Northern Ireland, then England and finally, Scotland are near the Top of the Euro League, with some of the highest number of new doggies in the world, testing positive. That included puppies in Dog Schools.
Meanwhile, as Christmas approaches, Top Dog Bojo announced:
“So, chums, Jolly Holly-Time. ‘Tis time to snuggle up and keep warm and cosy. Personally, I’m busy getting down to producing a few more little puppies. And, as you might guess, I’ve started my memoirs. An absolutely rib-tickling, page-turner. A Great British Fairy Tale. A real ‘once upon a time’ story. Indeed. It begins with the lines:
‘Once upon a time, the leaders of the World considered the ultimate question:
‘What is the most amazing ‘Idea’ in the whole wide-world?’
‘An Amazing Question. Every-day, a million souls float into the ether, and the Abode of Doggie Heaven. Yet, no-one believes that they will follow.’ ”
Oh, and…my book is provisionally titled:
‘One Flu over the Covid Test.’ ”
Yours affectionately
Bojo