– Can you keep a secret?
– That depends.
– That’s not a very good start.
– Well, I’ve never told anyone about your you-know-what.
– My what?
– You know, your thing.
– I don’t have a thing.
– If you say so. Anyway, it’s safe with me.
– It’s not safe with you. I don’t have a thing to be safe with you.
– As you like. As I said, mum’s the word. And let’s keep it that way.
– Yeah, let’s. For fuck’s sake . . .
Martin Stannard
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