Grayling Attacks Cyclist To Promote Rail Travel



graylingKeen to promote evermore expensive rail travel, Transport Secretary Chris Grayling has knocked down a cyclist outside the House of Commons in his chauffeur driven car. Mr Grayling (54) stood over the injured cyclist and snorted, ‘If I can do it, anyone can. If every UK motorist could bag at least one of these Lycra-clad idiots then the morning train from Brighton to Victoria will look like the 8.45 am into Calcutta station. C‘ching!

Mr Grayling, who has never been on a bike, claimed, ‘You’d never get me on one of those things,”; has never been on a train and claimed, “You’d never get me on one of those things. No but really – what I’m promising is a new Golden Era of rail. Literally. If we keep prices in line with balloon inflation, as we are at the moment, then by 2020 rail users might just as well be travelling on trains made from gold. With one exception. They won’t be. They will be the same old rusty, purple, brown, orange, green, yellow, blue, red and tartan, piss-stinking old ones from before but vastly, and I mean vastly, more expensive. Not only will they be as expensive as trains made from gold but they will be as fast as trains made from gold and we predict an increase of anywhere between 1-24 hours journey time and that, on average, each commuter will have to spend at least £300 on sandwiches or die of starvation before they alight at their chosen destination. But don’t worry, I’ll be regularly driving past in one of my governmental cars or maybe even flying over you in Theresa’s helicopter to see how you’re doing. Neeeeoooowwww.”

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Ethan Harrison is the republisher of and has his own blog


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