The column which asks: why aren’t children allowed to join the House of Commons straight from school?
READER: I thought they already were.
MYSELF: It’s a rhetorical question.
READER: What’s a rhetorical question?
MYSELF: It’s a sarcastic enquiry, to which the answer is already known.
READER: Give me an example.
MYSELF: OK, have you seen the new John Lewis Christmas ad?
READER: Of course I have
MYSELF: There you are.
READER: But you know I always watch that as soon as it comes out
READER: So why did you bother asking me?
Bird Guano has left the conversation
FACT OR MYTH?
The truth behind some popular misconceptions
- MYTH: Money is an essential ingredient in a capitalist-based society.
FACT: Not true. I recently paid for a Swedish massage with a kilo of purple sprouting broccoli.
- MYTH: His Holiness The Pope does not need to wash his hands after pooing in the woods, because he is infallible.
- FACT: The Pope defecates, not in the woods, but in a solid gold toilet in his private apartments in The Vatican, and is cleansed by altar boys using toilet paper made from the Dead Sea Scrolls. Any faeces which manages to cling to the Holy Father’s bottom is removed by nuns using a high-pressure fireman’s hose containing holy water.
- MYTH: Russell Brand is a fraudulent hot-air balloon, a narcissistic windbag and a hyperactive thesaurus of faux-Dickensian cock.
- FACT: That one’s all true I’m afraid.
Maudlin (v) Playing the Maudle, an Elizabethan wind instrument, related to the bagpipe.
Romantic (n) What you got up to in Rome.
A new phone-in feature designed to elicit views straight from our reader’s mouths
As our first topic, we are going to discuss the ins and outs of what has become known as Brexit, and football celebrities. What is a hard border? Where are the Andes? What is the dark secret behind David Beckham’s gormless grin? Temporary Postman Mrs Celia Molasses of Upper Dicker is on the line. Hello Celia! What is the nature of your Bird Call.
CELIA: First time caller Bird …. I’m a bit nervous.
BG: Please don’t be nervous Celia. I’m just like you, except massively overpaid.
CELIA: I’m shaking like a leaf. I’ve spilt half my gin already and it’s only eleven o’clock.
BG: Well just try and relax darling. I don’t bite, except in self-defence. Have you got your radio on by any chance love? I’m getting some interference on the line.
CELIA: It’s probably my husband’s life support machine, hang on I’ll just go and turn it
BG: No, just a minute, don’t do that love! Hello? Celia? Oh dear. Right. Let’s have our next caller, Reg Knowles is calling from Beyondenden in Sussex. What’s your beef Reg?
REG: Good morning Mr Guano. Your listeners might know me better as Reg “Grassy” Knowles, an initial suspect in the investigation into the assassination of John F Kennedy in 1963.
BG: That’s fascinating. Call me Bird by the way, and welcome to the show. May I call you “Grassy”?
REG: No you may not. I hardly know you. I’m calling about the appalling odour of young people nowadays. You get on a bus and all you can smell is Lynx and high energy drinks. Just tell me this; whatever happened to wind-up gramophones and dark green wallpaper with parrots? And saluting AA men? I myself wear false armpits, which you can put in the washing machine (60 degrees), and now I hardly offend anyone.
BG: Well that’s very interesting sir, but today’s discussion was about Brexit, and…
CELIA: Hello?… Hello?
REG: Who’s that?
BG: Thank you Reg, great call…Celia! That’s a much better line dear. How is your husband?
CELIA: Let’s just say he’s in a better place Bird. This Brexit business would have killed him anyway.
Horrible interference, like kittens falling into a cauldron of boiling custard.
BG: Celia? Celia! Hello?
VOICEOVER: We appear to have temporarily lost the transmission for Bird Calls. We apologise to listeners and In the meantime, here is a drawing of a piece of music.
MUSIC: Nude Descending Staircase by Marcel Duchamp
Ealing Cat People (2019, Dir: Todd Goy)
Shot entirely on location in Los Angeles, this US remake of Hideo Izzymoto’s The Emperor’s Daughter fails on many levels. To say that its original setting, the bleak, tyrannical suburb of Ealing during the cruel Tang dynasty, fails to translate to the 21st century, would be a titanic understatement. One is never entirely convinced that one is in leafy West London, despite the signposts to Ealing Broadway underground station littering Hollywood Boulevard. The normally reliable Terence Nonce puts in a wooden performance as Brad Kentuckian, the travelling shoe salesman with a penchant for living above his means, who has a price put on his head after he gets on the wrong side of Chico Pachooka the Mr Big of local Latino crime syndicate The Cats (unconvincingly portrayed by ex-drug cartel boss and associate producer Enrico Enchilada. My advice: Stick to the original. ★
SURVIVAL OF THE FLATTEST
Hastings Flat Earth Society has been awarded the coveted Plaque D’Idiote by the Paris-based Institut de Bêtise. HFES spokesman Ken Sideboard of Silverhill told us: “We couldn’t be more proud, especially after beating our arch-rivals, The Flatter Earth Society to the prize. We were planning a huge celebration party, but some members of our committee, who are currently on holiday in South America, haven’t responded to our emails and we are beginning to think they may have fallen off”.
Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!
NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH
SAY GOODBYE TO IRONING MISERY!
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MAY CAUSE SMILEY FACE T-SHIRTS TO LOOK
by The Hunt Cult. Click for video
“Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn’t do anything”
By Colin Gibson
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