SAUSAGE 349

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which, when asked if it is produced using AI replies: “That is an excellent question”.

READER: I can’t take much more of this

MYSELF: More of what? The heat? The government?

READER: War and Peace. It’s so bloody long! And I’ve only got a week left of my Spanish holiday.

MYSELF: Never mind, when you get back you’ll have a four-hour delay at passport control to catch up. Anyway, Comrade Tolstoy was never on my holiday bucket list. As a poolside read, War and Peace fails on many levels.

READER: Tell me about it! All those unpronounceable Russian names. And cities spelt with backwards letters which are called something else now. And that’s before we even get to the weight.

MYSELF: Yes ithe hardback is about two kilos. Maybe you should try something lighter. Have you read Don Seconali’s Tales of The Expected?

READER: That sounds right up my street! Is it full of amazing and intriguing facts which will boggle my mind and cause me to approach life from an entirely different philosophical angle?

MYSELF: Possibly not. Have a look at these reviews:

Tales of the Expected is a towering inferno of predictability. The omission of a twist at the end is a masterstroke.
PABLO EL COÑO, El Diario de la Tontería

Not since Aristotle has the joyless celebration of dull inevitability been so unsurprisingly realised.”
OTTO TERRARIUM, Madrid Racing Times

Don Seconali somehow manages to take the sur out of surreal and the extra out of extraordinary…
ROBERTO CASCARINI, Il Tora Merda, Milan

MYSELF: What do you reckon?

READER: Perfect. I’ve just ordered it on Kindle.

WARRIORS WELCOME RETURN OF FOKTIVANO
Recently relegated Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC will begin their 2026/27 season in the Hobson’s Denture Fixative League (South) with a heavily depleted squad, having lost pink- booted Bosnian midfield dynamo Glaxo Zog and centre back bone- cruncher Nobby Balaclava to arch rivals, Hercemonceaux Cannibals. Popular Italian manager Giovanni Foctivano (The Goalfather), who delighted Warriors fans when he decided to return to the newly demoted club after being sacked in 2019 having failed to win a single game, said he was confident that the squad would be in decent shape for next August’s debut match against Cockmarlin Thunderbolts;
“The current crop of injuries, coupled with the four-year ban on Craig Cattermole for concealing a knife in his jockstrap have done us no favours”. He told us, “and before you ask, I would rather not comment on the alleged scandal involving goalkeeper Paul Smeaton and curvy club physiotherapist and former lap dancer Sabrina Petto-Massiccio, but I can tell you this much; I have known the man for many years now and Paul is not only thoroughly decent chap, but very happily married, unlike his estranged wife Maureen”.
“In conclusion”, he continued, “in this historic World Cup Year, I intend to pull out all the stops in my efforts to make the Warriors great again. And let me assure our loyal fans; as far as my personal and deeply held philosophy of combining pure exciting football with a solid winning strategy is concerned, nothing about this great football club is going to change apart from the midfield, the defence and the attack”.
When asked about the poor match attendances which never really picked up after the Covid lockdowns, he said this: “As far as crowd attendance goes, the so-called Corona virus had little affect on the team. My players are professionals, most of whom are quite accustomed to playing in front of empty stadiums.”

LETTER SPRAY
Wreaders rite

Dear sir,
I don’t know what all the fuss is about this toxic waste? Why don’t they just flush it down the lavatory? Since I was made redundant after a giant blue alligator bit off my right leg I have had lots of ideas like this one.
Bjorn Spjunsmann,
The Three Kings Heads
Sizewell, Suffolk

Sirs,
I have noticed with alarm that there is not and never has been one single reference to bedwetting your esteemed column. Is this an editorial decision or are we to see bedwetting go the same way as cannibalism and capital punishment Ie; out of the window?
R Sheets
Pangolynne

Dear sausagelife,
Are any of your readers collectors of rare vinyl records? I am very keen to add the following to my collection (top prices paid)
I’m a pink toothbrush by Roy Orbison on Candy Records and Bob Dylan’s How to Stuff a Wild Bikini (live at the Isle of Wight Festival version)
Rowan Flutter
West Hartlepool

ALL THE G IN CHINA
Is 5g from outer space? As the daily avalanche of evidence accumulates, can we really afford to ignore the obvious signs of extra-terrestrial interference in our communication systems? Many independent science-based thinktanks such as The Cambridge Institute for The Study of Superstitious Theology and the Sunderland Premonition Centre, have recently shared their shock findings on social media.
Dr Eric von Daniken, co-chairman of The Interstellar Society for the Compulsory Repatriation of Aliens andauthor of Chariots of The Gods, explained: “Anyone who, like me, has spent years studying the alien architecture of Mexico and Peru (allegedly built by ancient South American civilisations), cannot fail to notice that 5G phone masts are exactly the same height as the beacons which probably lined the Incan landing strips which were probably used by alien spacecraft when they visited Earth and populated the South American continent thousands of years ago. That is an indisputable fact which has been confirmed by internationally recognised extra-terrestrial scientists. For those still in any doubt, the detailed drawings which illustrate my latest book Chariot of the Gods 5G, (Sledgehammer & Knutte, £15.99) make this abundantly clear.
Bob Spoonbender, British chairman of 5G mast-specialists Huawei told us: “Frankly, barmy fantasists like Eric Von Daniken are the least of our worries. All over China our customer service staff are resigning in droves, all because of the severe stress caused by the amount of prank-calls they are receiving from Newcastle upon Tyne. They pick up the phone as instructed and say “Huwei”, but are greeted with gales of laughter and cries of “Why aye man! Howay the Lads!”, a phrase which phonetically resembles a coarse Chinese insult so base and disgusting it causes many of them to spontaneously burst into tears.”

Sausage Life!

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door’s garden.

Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

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JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

https://vimeo.com/user129836501

SAY GOODBYE TO IRONING MISERY!
When added to your weekly wash, new formula Botoxydol, with Botulinim Toxin A, will guarantee youthful, wrinkle-free clothes.
Take years off your smalls with Botoxydol!
CAUTION
MAY CAUSE SMILEY FACE T-SHIRTS TO LOOK
INSINCERE