Sausage 355

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which pings where others merely pierce

READER: Ping? Pierce? What’s that all about?

MYSELF: Good morning to you too. Since you ask, the new rules of financial disclosure which come into effect this week now apply to the written word, and therefore I am obliged by law to declare any commercial interest I may have.

READER: Well everyone should have a hobby. I collect Victorian tram tickets.

MYSELF: Not that sort of interest you idiot, I’m talking about corporate sponsorship.

READER: Oh you mean bribery? At last the cat’s out of the bag.

MYSELF: The cat is, as you put it, well out of the bag and furthermore writhing around in a barrel of herring, because right from its beginning this column has been secretly sponsored by the respected firm of RJ Pearson & Co of Peasenhall, manufacturers of fine triangles since 1888.

READER: So, you admit you’re bang to rights!

MYSELF: Well, ping to rights…

READER: Exactly. All you have to do is slip in a couple of gratuitous mentions and bingo….or pingo if you like, big fat brown envelopes in the post, cash on delivery.

MYSELF: Gratuitous? I take exception to that remark as well as umbrage and high dudgeon. Any mentions I may have made have been crucial to the plot and believe me, all I got out of it was a few free triangles for the kiddies. I paid for that fortnight in Las Vegas out of my own pocket. Anyway, it’s all out in the open now and I feel a much better person for it.

HERR TODAY
Lame duck American president and longtime Sausage Life fan Donald Trump has sent us this message via Truth Social. After congratulating the UK on “giving those frog-eating golf-hating European surrender monkeys the finger,” he went on to say; “After I have won all the mid-term elections by a very very big LANDSLIDE, probably the biggest one ever, I intend to build a time machine and the first thing I will do is travel back to Victorian times and make H.G. Wells pay for it! After that I will time travel forwards a little, avert the Wall Street crash of 1929, then go have a talk with the president of Germany Herr Hitler, a misunderstood person with whom I have much in common, (except for the Herr!) and after persuading the guy to chill out, I will return triumphantly to the present, perhaps with a piece of paper signed by Mr Hitler himself who knows? Or even two, three maybe four or five pieces of paper. After averting a massive global catastrophe and having saved billions of innocent lives the American people will rise up and crown me as Good King Donald I whereupon I will take up permanent residence in the totally refurbished White House which I intend to rename Trumpingham Palace. Thank you for your attention to this matter.”

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WARRIORS CODSWALLOPED

Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC, whose surprise wild card inclusion in the 2026 Euro Non-League Championships gave fresh hope to local football fans, were last Saturday unceremoniously ejected from the competition in the first round by lowly Icelandic club AC Håakenhüur, who fielded a team composed entirely of retired cod fishermen. Warriors’ recently appointed manager Serge Catastroph gave us this statement in the immediate aftermath of the shock 8-0 defeat; “I was criticised before the game for my squad selection, but I stand by my decision to include 58-year-old midfield dynamo Wilf Smidgeon, and to play our crack Bosnian striker Glaxo Zog in goal. We are still in with a chance, make no mistake about it. The Warriors are not quitters. We do not know the meaning of the word defeat, which is why we didn’t do it to anybody last season. I am not a man to walk away from a challenge without a very persuasive package of remuneration. People scoffed when I hired Maharishi Mahesh Moolah the yogi soccer motivator, but he has worked wonders with the lads, and has even got some of them reading.”

MP SOUP
Upper Dicker Reform UK MP Ron Gravy, formerly of the British Gravytrain Party is in trouble again, this time with the trading standards authority. Rumour has it he may have to be recalled, forcing yet another by-election. It is alleged that he has been fitted by a wealthy overseas bitcoin investor with an illegal piece of software designed to conceal from government inspectors his true emission levels of clichéd sound bites, diversionary half-truths, general hot air and horseshit. By all accounts this may be merely the tip of a giant Titanic-style iceberg, and many more parliamentary motormouths are in danger of being recalled. One devastated voter, Mr. Dirk Teknick retorted; “Following the unmitigated success of Brexit, I allowed Ron Gravy to bamboozle me into thinking that I could depend on good old-fashioned solid Reform UK engineering. All this has come as a terrible shock.”

BOOK OF THE MONTH
THE NEW BABEL by Candida Beverage (Second abridged edition, 2026)
(Frakov & Windfarm £15.99)
Subtitled The Elevation of Groundless Speculation into Deep Incisive Wisdom, this book is an invaluable addition to the great lexical canon, and examines how cruelly we treat language. In Part 1, The Mangling, Beverage discovers how a big ask came to be more efficient than a question, how birthing replaced being born, and how going forward came to mean anything you want it to. The 2026 addendum to part 1 includes a fascinating new chapter entitled That is a great question, which asks: When did the simple answer ‘yes’ morph into ‘absolutely, one hundred percent?’
www.booksyouwishactuallyexisted.com

VATICAN: IT’S A NO BRIANER
Last Sunday, in which catholics commemorated the holy miracles of St Celia the Unfortunate, Pope Leo XIV, the Chicago-born Capo di Capo of the Roman Catholic Church stepped onto his Vatican Balcony to make this unprecedented statement “I’m getting fed up with people telling me they are blessed“, he said in broken Latin, “They are not. They may have been lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time or be the fortunate beneficiaries of chance – they may even have recently acquired a delightful kitten, but they are not “blessed”. Only Brian is Blessed”.

In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti
pultem vitae!

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door’s garden.

Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

https://vimeo.com/user129836501https://vimeo.com/user129836501

JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

https://vimeo.com/user129836501

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