FIBBER & FIBBER ANNOUNCE SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER
The column which doesn’t appear support anything, yet is Grade II listed
READER: Did you get an invitation from me to join the Linkedin network?
MYSELF: Yes, I did, along with a Cameo Easter greeting from Nigel Farage and a further 46,000 requests purporting to be from people I knew, but which were actually generated from Linkedin’s robot database. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer my pyramid schemes to at least have a pyramid.
READER: God you’re such a stick-in-the-mud! These days everybody who’s anybody is on Linkedin.
MYSELF: That’s all very well, but what’s it for?
READER: Eh? What’s it for? Linkedin? I should have thought that was obvious.
MYSELF: Well let’s assume it isn’t obvious, and tell me what it’s for.
READER: Er… Linkedin… it’s a networking thingy isn’t it?
MYSELF: Go on……..
READER: Well, it’s a place where…a place where you…online…where you can…where you might…. network, with people of similar…er….with like-minded people who are…erm…..who would, you know, um, people who would like to….er….to..
MYSELF: No further questions M’Lud.
CALLING ALL LUVVIES – YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU
Are you an ex-Catholic out of work actor able to channel their inner post-confessional child?
Can you still recite three Hail Marys, two Our Fathers and a Glory Be in ten seconds flat without glowing redder than the bottom of a red-bottomed baboon?
Have you dumped your superfluous conscience in order to milk the cash cow of commercial radio?
Do you possess a speaking voice which could smelt iron ore with its well-modulated smug certainty?
If you have the ability to talk to potential adult customers as though they were distracted 7-year-olds with learning difficulties, are able to veer seamlesslyly from dim Geordie to gormeless Cockney via over-confident self-righteous Yorkshire and can confidently exhude syrupy condescension and promote personal financial paranoia simultaneously, you could have a future in commercial radio advertising.
FULL TRAINING PROVIDED
We accept that some of you may still possess a sense of honor, integrity and perhaps even a certain amount of hard-earned thespian skill which you are loath to abandon – but assistance is at hand. Our highly focused training team will help you downskill your talent so that within a very short time you will be in demand for a wide variety of sales, ranging from gambling, dentistry, divorce and death, to long-term vehicle rental disguised as car sales.
Every lie you read out is covered by our comprehensive, legally binding disclaimer messages. If you can master these meaningless tongue-twerking tone poems and are able to recite phrases such as “99.9% APR representative” or “offer only available from participating dealers” without the voices in your head urging you to jump off a cliff, you are just the sort of shameless, swivel-eyed vacuum we are looking for.
Apply now www.illsayanythingforcash.com
Certain statements may not be true. Terms and conditions apply. Manufacturer’s responsibility excluded. Mary had a little lamb. The Leith police dismisseth us. All rights reversed. You will never own this car.
Gastric (n) party piece involving lighting your own farts
Flatlining (n) wallpapering your apartment.
Rock critic Karl Wallbanger writes to say that, in his opinion, the release of Nige Farargy’s Greatest Tits CD on streaming services will do the reputation of La Grenouille Blanche no favours. “This selection, in bizarre contrast to his early Teutonic Fascist Heavy Rock stuff, is so obviously not in Farargy’s comfort zone. Songs like With my Little Stick of Gene Pool Rock and the bonus track, 2009’s When I’m Ethnic Cleansing, which let’s face it were blatant attempts to get on Top of The Pops will, frankly, only serve to trash Nige’s hard-earned bad reputation.”
“Having said that, I must say I’m loving Spatchcock Z’s remix of Wongo Bongo Bu!…..just seeing his froggy little face and hearing that chorus; bongo bongo boo, bongo bongo boo yah! manages to somehow conjure up that old Farargy magic as though it were yesterday, or the day before.”
Sausage Life’s music correspondent Cuthbert String replies:
You’ll be pleased to hear that Faragy’s early Kraut rock stuff has now been digitally remastered on the Rattenscheiße label by Alles ist Klaar, a two-man synth co-operative trio from Nüremburg. I’m sending you the boxed set, which comes in a fur-lined leather bound replica of an inflatable dinghy and boasts a fascinating mixture of Doppelgänger Hardcore and Neo-Nazi Garage, with a subtle dash of Nancybilly.
On another subject, a reader responds to last issue’s article on austerity.
Austerity? Don’t make me laugh! Today’s kids don’t know they’re even born! In 1966, I worked at Woolworth’s Eastbourne store as a shelf stacker in the confectionery department. All I was earning was £75-100k a month plus bonuses, yet I managed to drive a Nimitz A-class aircraft carrier modified for road use, with two military grade Douglas DC9s and a Bell surveillance helicopter on board. Thanks to careful budgeting I managed to live a comfortable, relatively worry-free life. Unlike today’s moaning minnies with their cellphones and disposable income, I never complained. Fair play though, petrol was a lot cheaper in those days.
Walter Gateaux, Burlap
BOOK CLUB BOOK OF THE MONTH
Footballer’s Names for Children (Fibber & Fibber £21.99)
Many people wrongly suppose that professional footballers, having been kidnapped by premier league clubs before learning to read or write, are stupid and barely able to string two clichés together; nonetheless I cannot recommend this book highly enough. Written by goalkeeping wizard Reg Trubshaw, of Herstmonceaux Cannibals FC, with ghost writer Felicity Smallgoose, a more detailed and comprehensive list of the name’s of footballer’s children would be difficult to find. I’m confident the following random extract from Footballer’s Names for Children will whet your appetite for more and send you (in more permissive times), bounding off to Waterstone’s or WH Smith to order a copy.
BOYS: Colostomy, Groin, Cruciate, Ebola, Asbo, Gangnam, Calf, Hamstring, Nutmeg, Deathwish5.
GIRLS: Caramel, Rhapsody, Marmalade, Rubella, Tapestry, Casablanca, Wa-Wa, Handbag, Adultery
Reg Trubshaw is currently detained in a secure institution after being found guilty of biting off an opponent’s ear and keeping it in a matchbox to scare opponents with. He is due for parole consideration in 2057.