The column which thinks that a cambio is as good as a siesta
READER: You know what’s missing from this column don’t you?
MYSELF: A prize crossword?
READER: Wow! How did you know I was going to say that?
MYSELF: Oddly enough, I know everything you’re going to say. What do you think that is, up there at the top?
READER: Oh yes! Super!
Welcome to the Sausage Life Insoluble Prize Crossword.
The first correct entry will receive a set of singing golf clubs sponsored and signed by Justin Beiber. Runners-up may choose from the following: a luxury gas-powered humane mousetrap containing a tiny truckle of Tibetan Yak’s cheese, a 12-month military posting in Afghanistan or a limited edition numbered and signed print of Bowl of Soup I Spilled on my Persian Carpet by Tracy Eminem (series of 500,000).
Here are the clues:
1. Randy poodle coming back over the horizon (7)
6. Two hoots to woo may be the answer (3)
7. Chafed to bits (7)
8. Where’s my wombat I wonder? (1,6)
12. Redundant minefield up for grabs (3)
13. More sugar, but where? (2,6)
1. Eyesight detective comes up trumps (4,3)
2. Rumbled by a fishy mammal (3)
3. It’s more than likely a breeze-block (3)
9. Slightly better than broccoli perhaps? (3)
10. A snitch in time (2,5)
11. Portnoy’s compliant (3)
Answers on a 300gm goatskin vellum souvenir postcard featuring the Taj Mahal to: email@example.com
At 9-05 am on the day of the long anticipated reopening of non-essential retailers, the police armed response unit was called to what was described by officers as a “scene of utter devastation” at Hastings’ Poundall’s Bargain £1 Warehouse. According to witnesses, within minutes of a 10% off everything sign going up in the window at 9am, a large, intimidating crowd of unmasked people, many of whom had slept on the pavement overnight, began to squeeze through the front doors in search of bargains. Predictably, the main surge was to aisle 12, where a titillating selection of loss-leaders was on offer; for example you could purchase a set of 100 plastic spoons in a Victorian-style imitation bakelite spoon drawer, a combination folding nail file and fish knife, a set of non-stick suction pads (assorted sizes), an iphone accessory pack incorporating a tiny clip-on umbrella, or a battery-powered fridge, just big enough to hold a thimbleful of milk or a single sperm sample. Police believe the flashpoint occurred when two ladies became involved in a brouhaha over the shop’s one remaining Novelty Joke Toolbox (contains revolving-handled screwdriver, bouncy claw-hammer, finger-amputating pliers, comedy shelf-brackets and much much more!), causing them to collide with a rack of self-extending loofahs which had been left in the aisle. The ensuing melee resulted in an entire display of Barry Manilow-themed sanitary towel holders collapsing like dominoes. Hastings’ Chief Inspector Hydra Gorgon assured us that initial reports of the loofah rack having been deliberately planted in the aisle by alien lizard-men had been discounted after a thorough investigation.
READER: It’s simply not worth cutting corners just to save a few bob. I once bought a lava lamp at Poundalls, which was still active! Luckily for me I was out shopping when it erupted.
MYSELF: That’s nothing, when they first opened I bought my kids a bouncy castle, which turned out to be haunted.
Warning! Don’t fall for this scam!
Wai-Aorta Miracle Earplugs which are currently being touted online, falsly claim to protect the hearing of musicians. These are not earplugs, but tiny spring-loaded spinning tops manufactured in China which explode when you listen to Kanye West. Mind you, on the other hand I suppose, when you think about it, that could be considered a type of protection
THE WAI-WI WERE
2020-21 has been a miserable period I think we can all agree, so I thought I’d take a nostalgic peek at what we miss most from the 12 months preceding the first lockdown:
July 2019 saw the grand opening of Hastings’ new music venue The Cat’s Pyjama. This was was the event to be seen at, featuring as it did the reformed and much missed Meat Raffle, with original guitarist Tit Bingo but, alas, minus the other four original members. The band eventually staggered onstage 2 hours late, bulldozed their way through a 3 minute version of their 1997 Estonian chart-topping anthem Drive-By Shouting and fled the building. But not before handing over to DJ of the moment MC Squaird, whose esoteric blend of Christian Garage and Sacred Plainsong Drill challenged even the most enthusiastic dancers.
Emily Wildebeeste’s epic novel The Epiphany of Cuthbert Wasp was, for me, the standout read of 2019. Critics praised the author’s sensitive treatment of psychopathic homicide, her louche grammatical swerves and illustrator Rupert Doppleganger’s colourful depictions of the protagonist’s erotic adventures as a gas company inspector.
Strictly Come Dancing, if only for its sheer, vile, unwatchability
READER: I love Strictly, don’t be mean! Anyway what do you know about dancing?
MYSELF: Excuse me? For your information I happen to have several ballroom dancing medals, including silvers for the quickstep and foxtrot and a bronze for the galloping major. Lionel Blair once described my footwork as “like a pair of hovercrafts gliding on an endless Carribean beach”
No contest. Bandy Sponk’s wonderful Christmas 2020 exhibition of car bumper stickers at the Cockmarlin Coleman’s Mustard Gallery. My personal favourite? Honk If You Think I’m A Canadian Goose.
It has to be The Thrasher, Professor Thinktank’s revolving steam-powered cricket bat which was just about to undergo testing by the MCC. A built in light sensor detects the flight of the bowler’s delivery, and adjusts the face of the bat accordingly. A miniature Pearson 352a boiler with rotating pistons is cleverly concealed inside the hollowed-out handle, which also serves as a hand warmer for playing cricket in winter.
A favourite of mine for many years, Alistair Milqueflote posesses the uncanny ability to spew verse like a downpipe in a thunderstorm. His uncompromising 2020 collection, Hipsterphobia, is no exception, as this stanza from the opening poem illustrates.
To beard or not to beard, that is the question
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind
to fluff up the chinless facades of outdated morons,
Or to take arms against these facial follicles,
And by epilation, end them.
Titanic-The Musical at The Royal Camber Sands Golf Club Playhouse Theatre.
I loved this ambitious production, despite its cruel panning by the critics. Fair enough, during the big finale Help! I’m Drowning! thousands of gallons of water gushed out of the huge flotation tank, flooding the auditorium and washing several members of the audience out to sea. On a positive note, it did at least provide some relief from the usual fare of bingo, low grade tribute bands and racist comedians.
READER: I was there, and it really was terrifying. I managed to escape by clinging on to a passing ticket booth and was rescued by a windsurfer.
MYSELF: Think yourself lucky. One unsuspecting golfer was caught by the wave just after hitting a hole in one, only to have it overruled by the club committee on an obscure technicality.
MYSELF: I blame electronic cigarettes and homophobic medicine.
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