ZUCKERBERG ANNOUNCES NEW SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM
The column that doesn’t know anything about bigotry, but knows what it doesn’t like
READER: Did you have a flutter on the name of the new Royal baby?
MYSELF: I’m not much of a betting man but I had a fiver to win on Frank, and a pound each way on Alan.
READER: What a waste of money!
MYSELF: In what way?
READER: Alan? Frank? Come on, don’t you read the papers? It ain’t exactly Waldorf science is it?.
MYSELF: I think you mean rocket…
READER: Sorry! It ain’t exactly rocket salad is it?
MYSELF: As I said, I’m not much of a betting man. So what did you put your money on in the end?
READER: Following a dead-cert hot tip from a friend of one of Meghan’s obstetrician’s stable lads, I had a pony on Donald, and a pangolin on Oprah.
by Ryan Ayre
The Hastings Royal Ballet Company have announced they are to stage a mammoth production of Andrew Lloyd-Webber’s ambitious new dance musical Sloth of the Antarctic (libretto by Russell Brand), this summer. It will be choreographed by Max Petomaine (Legs Eleven, Tutus on Broadway) and will feature a chorus line of top ballerinas, specially trained to perform Max’s legendary Pas Ballonnés and Chassés au Fondue in sub zero temperatures. It is rumoured that the cast may include 79-year-old torch singer Fifi LaRoche, who will be required to learn the rudiments of ballet in just a few days. The theme song, There’s No Blindness Like Snow Blindness will be rush-released ahead of the opening, and is expected to dominate international sales charts.
PANTOMIME HORSE SHOT
An East Sussex man has died after participating in the London Marathon as the back end of a pantomime horse. Roger Hind (39), of Plumpswelling, broke a leg crossing Tower Bridge after treading in a pothole and had to be humanely destroyed by an armed division of St John’s Ambulance Brigade.
“We were galloping along, doing really well,” said Hastings-born Thomas Dowting, 43, who was in the front part of the horse, “we had just overtaken a Tellytubby and two Ewoks when I heard Roger cry out and quickly became aware that he had pulled up. It suddenly felt like I was hauling a huge sack of coal. Almost immediately we were surrounded by race officials and when I heard a loud bang, I knew instinctively that Roger had been shot”.
A spokesman for the RSPCA told us: “This sort of thing is more common than most people imagine. During the 2017/18 season for example, eight rear-end and four front-end pantomime horse operatives regrettably had to be shot. Three of these tragic incidents occurred in the same show, the notoriously hazardous Charge of the Light Brigade -The Panto”
Rapidophilia (n) The irrisistable compulsion to tell everyone how far and how fast you have jogged that day.
Hollyoaks (n) A mythical place where people who can’t act are given things to say by people who can’t write.
Have you ever had one of those sinister chain letters? This one came through my letterbox the other day in a plain brown envelope, reeking of fish.
This is what it said:
WARNING: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES READ THIS LETTER
Too late. You have started so you must finish. These are the words of Brother Luigi Smegmatini founder of the Norwegian Order of the Cloistered Herring, who originated this letter in 1804:
Dear specially selected friend,
so far, over eleven million people have received this personal communication. To ensure that your remaining years are dogged by good luck rather than crammed with calamitous misfortune, you must make 600 copies of this letter and send them to friends, relatives, colleagues, and if necessary, people you have never met. Then, in a separate envelope, send a cheque or PO for £50 made out to Vivien Graula Associates, at PO box 17, Keynsham, Surrey.
THE FOLLOWING TRUE TESTIMONIALS ARE FROM REAL PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY EXIST:
Alfalfa farmer Zeke Spoonbender of Kneejerk, Colorado
I made 600 copies and sent them all to my sister-in-law in Appaloosa. Three days later she gave birth to bouncing twin boys, despite being 75 years old, and a sexual deviant.
Maureen Xeno, Innuit housewife, Anchorage
I had 600 copies of the letter engraved on blocks of ice and transported overland by dog sled to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, where I made many friends stationed as a tank driver during the war. Due to a clerical error they were diverted via Colombia and Venezuela, to a pole dancing club in Havana, Cuba, where they eventually melted, breaking the chain.
The very next day my husband Nanook, a plumber, was working on the septic tank of a mobile igloo with a Rudyard & Kipling helium arc welder when he was crushed to death by a herd of stampeding Emperor Penguins.
Lawrence Van der Gouda, stone cladding salesman, Rotterdam
I woke two weeks after receiving this to find my entire house had been redecorated by people with no taste. The only thing left untouched was the fourteenth century Ming Dynasty wastepaper basket in the study, where I discovered the cynically screwed up copies of this letter, which I had forgotten to post
Derek N’Gunu, Estate Agent, Goose Green
I had my Mexican houseboy make 600 copies on 300g vellum in an obscure Indonesian dialect and post them to my extended family in Jakarta. Four days later I was astonished to discover that my left leg, amputated after a childhood supermarket trolley accident, had miraculously regenerated. I later dedicated my life to becoming a world-class athlete, winning a gold for East Falkland in the 1998 South Atlantic Game 8,000 metres sheep-shearing.
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