The column which thinks that if you can remember the sixties you were there, it’s just that nobody noticed you
MYSELF: A Happy New Year to all our readers!
READER: Thank you, but happiness is only depression with laughs. Do you think Boris has finally urinated on his french fries?
MYSELF: Is the Prime Minister a friend of yours?
MYSELF: Stop calling him Boris then. Like recurring haemorrhoids, the Harpo Marx-wigged sociopath will keep haunting your arse until the electoral Anusol has been applied.
READER: Do you think there’ll be a General Election then?
MYSELF: As the reality of Brexit begins to waft around like a lift passenger’s ill-concealed flatulence, the thought of a breath of fresh air will begin to have irristable appeal. Prepare for leaflets, party political broadcasts and doorstepping knuckle draggers who are not Jehovah’s Witnesses.
READER: Tell me about it! I’ve already been targeted. Do you know anything about The British Cocktail Party?
MYSELF: Never heard of them.
READER: Oddly enough, they appear to know an awful lot about me.
MYSELF: I wonder if perchance……have you been falling for clickbait? I seem to remember you recently liked a facebook post about Lady Gaga’s cellulite. Actually, no, you are not that gullible…..are you?
READER: Of course I am – I mean of course I’m not. The Gaga cellulite business aside, the information I have is that the BPC are planning on a return to proper traditional political party values – dress trousers, prawn cocktails, tiny pickled onions on sticks, that sort of thing. I’m voting for them.
MYSELF: Tiny pickled onions on sticks? That’s good enough for me.
The controversy following an incident which occurred at the cup tie between Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC vs Upper Dicker Macaroons continues. A member of right wing organisation WAKO39 was arrested and charged with affray after he invaded the pitch and battered Warriors’ defender Craig Cattermole about the head with a loofah. He was identified by police as Reg Pompadour, an ex-Warriors striker thought to have a long-standing grudge with the club after being sold in 2017 by former manager José Pypebahn to a male escort agency. After issuing Pompadour with a 75-year match ban, Warriors’ Russian-born proprietor, Oliver Gark spoke to us about the unfolding drama.
“The overwhelming majority of our fans are, let’s face it, good, honest, decent folk, and I am frankly disgusted with you media people for your unfair portrayal of Warriors’ followers as knuckle-dragging, urine-gargling halfwits, just because a group of extremists happens to have infiltrated our supporters club. A bit of decent research could have told you that until Reg Pompadour joined WAKO39, they were just a group of harmless right-wing hot-air balloon enthusiasts with no particular affiliation to any football team. Now gangs of them can be seen strutting menacingly about town in their flamboyant gold jewellery and concealed loofahs, spreading their evil doctrine of hate.”
“Make no mistake, Craig Cattermole is a big lad who can handle himself,” he continued, “but he is now having to undergo intensive therapy for Post Traumatic Match Syndrome (PTMS), with the club’s physio, former lap dancer Sabrina Petto-Massiccio. You can drive these people out of town, but trust me, they’ll pop up at some other club next year, with bigger loofahs, threatening tattoos and more expensive bling.”
HARTLEPOOL STATE CIRCUS
Cockmarlin Astrodome, January 2-19
As the nation’s favourite international big top extravaganza returns for its annual East Sussex fortnightly residency, I was lucky enough to secure ringside tickets for the opening night of this colourful carnival of fun. It was a night which, sadly, was not without its teething problems. Much-loved Ringmaster, Mr Marvellous, appeared a little worse for wear as he staggered on to the sawdust to introduce the festivities. The audience, mistaking him at first for one the clowns, laughed uproariously until they noticed his lack of trousers and the half empty bottle of Bourbon poking from his tailcoat pocket.
As children’s eyes were hastily covered by horrified parents, trapeze artiste Dan Dangling of the The Fabulous Dangling Brothers bravely stepped in and managed to remove the reluctant MC; alas not before he had managed to insult Ivana, the wife of guest of honour Hastings’ Lord Mayor, Medved Oligarki, by inviting her to join him in his caravan for a selfie.
Romanian balloon sculptor Remy Vaselino, was hastily ushered into the ring appearing flustered. He explained that he had not had time to apply his Elephant Man makeup, although no-one had noticed. Announcing that he was going to construct a scale model of the Taj Mahal from balloons, he produced two from a bag, inflated them and began making them squeak. When, after fifteen minutes, there was no sign of Agra’s famous mausoleum, or anything like it, the audience became restless. “Perhaps he meant the Indian restaurant in Bexhill!” shouted one disgruntled wag, providing some rare amusement. “Bring on the clowns!” shouted another, and on cue, a brightly painted clown car poop-pooped its way into the big top, knocked over the tottering balloonist, and as the doors fell off, disgorged Smoulder & Burns, billed as “Britain’s clowniest clowns”, who roared around the tent eating goldfish and menacing children until they burst into tears. After introducing the next act, Sylvia Remington and her Infinite Monkeys, they piled into the car and zig-zagged out.
At first, Sylvia’s chimpanzees, dressed as babies, delighted everyone with their antics, but when they became aggressive and began to hurl the contents of their nappies, the audience began to panic. During the ensuing stampede, crucial supporting guy ropes were uprooted, and the entire tent collapsed. Miraculously, no-one was badly hurt, but it has been reported that Hartlepool State Circus PLC has agreed to an out of court settlement with the Lord Mayor’s wife who fainted after head clown Ralph Smoulder revealed where he had concealed his goldfish, causing her to bang her head on a discarded unicycle.
Deerstalking (n) Channel five daytime chat show in which Scandinavian ruminants discuss topical subjects
Ramification (n) Indoctrination in the ways of the sheep
A state of emergency was declared today by East Sussex County Council, who reported that “something may have happened” in Upper Dicker town centre, but that they were “not sure what it was”. Michael Mauss, a spokesperson for ESCC’s highways department told us: “It can very difficult sometimes to put one’s finger on the cause of a particular problem. In this instance, the problem has been further complicated by the council not being entirely sure what the problem is, or indeed whether there was one in the first place. We will be dispatching an elite squad of surveyors and traffic flow experts to Upper Dicker to assess the situation and draw up a detailed report, to be be published by autumn 2022 or late spring 2023, virus permitting.“
In the meantime, local MP Aluminium Hart had this to say: “We must not hesitate. It is time for action. Let us point fingers and name names. Make no mistake about it, the blame for whatever has occurred, if indeed anything actually did, can be wholly apportioned to the ruthless, highly organised people-smuggling gangs whose sole purpose in life is to make me look tough.
I have been reassured by Upper Dicker Council leader Len Pokemon, that the enormous luminous orange plastic barriers manufactured by a company owned by his brother-in-law Ron Devious which are currently being erected all over the town centre, will go a long way to alleviating the situation, assuming we ever get to the bottom of it.”
“I need not add” she added, “that all this is happening in a part of East Sussex which normally attracts huge amounts of visitors during the summer season, which, lest we forget, will soon be upon us.”
by The Hunt Cult. Click for video
“Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn’t do anything”
BY Colin Gibson