Sausage Life 222

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE 
The column which, without proper maintenance, would collapse under the weight of its own self-importance.

MYSELF: I would like to announce that from today, all reader’s letters will be replaced with our new phone-in program.
READER: What? No more letters?
MYSELF: Correct. From now on, all correspondence will take place via the telephone, a medium which is both immediate and personal.
PHONE: Theme from Flash Gordon by Queen.
MYSELF: (after two verses and a chorus), Hello?
READER: Hello, it’s me.
MYSELF: Well?
READER: Er…..
MYSELF: Yes? Have you anything to say?
READER: That’s your job, surely? Why don’t you make me say something interesting for a change?
MYSELF: That would alter our relative dynamic for the worse I feel.

OH YES HE DID – PANTO REVIEW
Nevermindland, Cockmarlin Arena until March 31^st
This exciting production stars Bert Lord of Traffic Cops In Drag as Piers Pan, the boy who wouldn’t grow up and Adam Seagull the voice of Lala in Tellietubbies as Captain Hokum, the one-eyed pirate who claims he had his hand bitten off by a crocodile but everyone knows it is up his sleeve. Although X-Factor winner Kandy B is mesmerising as Windy, the irresponsible child-minder who kidnaps her young charges and whisks them off to Nevermindland, the indisputable show-stealer is mischievous fairy Tinkerballs, played by Gladiator star Rambo Udder, who flits around the stage like an excited moth, colliding with spotlights and scenery alike in her unquenchable quest for validation.

POLITICS
During a recent PMQs, Iain Duncan Sailor, the minister for cruel sports rejected suggestions that Russian sanctions might result in blocked channel ports and a 50-mile tailback of lorries filled with dying sheep. “Hasn’t anyone heard of the Dunkirk spirit?” he shouted at braying opposition backbenchers, “I call upon anyone with a seaworthy vessel, even if it is just an inflatable canoe or a kitchen sink with the plughole blocked up, to do your bit for Queen and country. Let our plucky little offshore tax haven show these eurocratic oligarchs that Britannia still rules the waves with an iron fist. Last one across the channel is a rotten egg!”
Mr Rees-Mogg, the Minister for Naked Ambition, interjected, saying that what Team UK required was a conglomerate of greedy businessmen prepared to accept millions of pounds of dirty money and make massive promises without having the slightest intention of fulfilling them. “Look at Hannibal,” He demanded, “they laughed when he suggested crossing the Alps with privately funded elephants but who’s laughing now”? As he paused to milk the puzzled silence, the Prime Minister pounced. Standing up and strapping on a huge red nose, Mr Johnson provoked 3-minutes of uproarious faked laughter from the Tory benches by claiming to have once pulled a Christmas cracker containing the riddle: “What do you get when you cross the alps with some elephants?” However, when pressed by the opposition leader Sir Kier Starmer QC for the answer he replied disappointingly: “I am unable to comment until the results of the Sue Grey enquiry have been successfully buried in the rubble of Kyiv”.

WENDY WRITES
Clear, unqualified advice for the constantly confused.

Dear Wendy,

I put on an awful lot of weight during the Brexit negotiations, and I am increasingly concerned that our sanctioning of Russia is going to leave me beached, like an abandoned one-man nuclear submarine. Do you have any dietary advice?
Tallulah Bunkbed, Lilliput.

Dear Tallulah,
first the good news. Now that we have severed our Russian ties, virtually all fattening food will be unavailable unless you are a hedge fund manager. Dieting in future will simply be a matter of course, about which you have little choice. Try this daily menu for a slimmed-down 2022, which I guarantee will turn you into a svelte, sylph-like silhouette, able to slip silently into any room, even when the door is barely ajar.
Breakfast: 200gs Marmite (no toast). Lunch: Small Potatoes drizzled with nothing at all. Tea: Hard British cheese. Dinner: Austere fry of run-over squirrel with roasted acorns and low-fat lard.
If you are at all squeamish, ready run-over squirrel can be ordered from Squirreldead.com (minimum order 10 squirrels).

Dear Wendy,
Following your new policy of replacing letters with phone calls, would it be possible to have an actor read this one out, pretending to be me?
Marcia Twelp, Periwinkle

Dear Marcia,
Due to reader’s overwhelming objections, spearheaded by an online petition, the editor has agreed to reverse his original decision. Any future phone calls will be transcribed by a legal stenographer and will be available in a full colour illustrated pamphlet.
Wendy

WHINE LISTS
All this month, Upper Dicker’s Pink Triangle Gallery hosts Upper Dicker installation artist Bandy Sponk and his exhibition of handwritten band set lists which he has collected from all over the world. Hastings’ hottest Band Meat Raffle feature, alongside international superstar acts like Fur Cough, Tinfoil Hat Band, The Cock Genies, Lemming Rebellion and Platonic Bomb.

MEAT RAFFLE- PIDDLEHOE KIPPERDROME 2003
Set 1
BINKY BONKY BOO
DONALD WHERE’S YER TROOSERS?
OH FOR THE WINGS OF A HERON
SMEGMA TRUSS
PUSSYFOOTIN’
WHY OH WHY (DO MY TROUSERS FALL)
MY SWEET LORD
NO, NO NANOOK
PLUMSTONES IN MY CROSSROADS
AWA’ AN BOIL YER HEED
WHEN MOLLY O’HARA RIDES HER BIKE, (YOU’RE SURE OF A BIG SURPRISE)

Set 2
HOW HIGH THE TULIPS-OH
SAWDUST
THEME FROM WINDOLENE
APACHE
LUMPY-PUMPY
PLIPSY-PLOPSY
FOUR WHEELS ON MY WAGON
BIG BABOON
WALK LIKE A WHELK (NOT THE ELVIS VERSION)
QUIT SUCKING AND BLOW
LIPSTICK CARAVAN

ENCORE:
(MEDLEY) BABY I’M A HORSE/LITTLE MOUSE WITH CLOGS ON/ DANCE OR I’LL VOMIT/WALK LIKE A WHELK (ELVIS VERSION)

.

Sausage Life!