The column which thinks that inside every atom is a bomb
MYSELF: So the finest minds of the Tory party have narrowed it down to two blokes, one of whom is a woman.
READER: Don’t beat about the bush, which one?
MYSELF: Never mind. One of them said this: “People think I’m smug. I’m not smug, I’m just stupid and ambitious in equal measure, which is why I am wearing this badly misjudged expression.” – who was it?
READER: A quiz! Brilliant! Let me see…. billionaire Rishi is obviously ambitious, but clearly not stupid, Liz on the other hand is thicker than a metric tonne of condemned mince but mysteriously, also ambitious. They are both smug but then smugness is endemic to conservative cabinet ministers. This is a very difficult question. It could also be Jacob Reese-Smugg or Nadene Doris or Priti Patel or……
MYSELF: Now steady on! Nadene Doris is the bees knees, a fragrant rock and a possible future dictator and I won’t hear a word said against her. Only Ann Widdecombe has more stature, grace and eloquence.
READER: Was it Lars Vondervondervonder the Swedish trombonist?
MYSELF: If you say so.
USED CAR MART
Hatchback for sale: Top of the range Howayman Wagawagawagon 2017. 23,000 on the clock, runs like a dream. Aircon. Full SH. Leather seats. Panoramic sunroof. Whitewall tyres. To see is to buy. Any trial. Regrettably have to let this beauty go at the bargain basement price of £3,500 ono, due to dead body in boot. No timewasters please.
Kia Starmer MK 2 (2022): Red. No engine, hence low low price of £256.32. Suit enthusiast. Buyer collects
Jus Teat, the Upper Dicker Spanish milk bar co-owned by Lord Haha of Beyondenden and Professor Gordon Thinktank the eminent Hastings Inventor, hosted the Upper Dicker Literature Festival 22, now celebrating its fifth year. Festival-goers queued for hours at the professor’s book signing where his autobiography Give Me An Envelope Large Enough and I will Post the World was going like hot cakes. The book covers all of Thinktank’s comprehensive catalogue of ingenious patents, including 1992’s King Tut the pyramid-shaped tupperware container, which not only kept soup hot even in the fridge, but also sharpened razor blades. His ubiquitous Panting Dog Hand Dryer, which won the 2014 Ecology Now prize for innovation, remains, despite some major drawbacks, the inventor’s favourite. “The Panting Dog Dryer was environmentally sound,” he told us “having no energy source apart from dog food, which compared to fossil fuels is cheap and plentiful. One minor disadvantage was the time factor, as a pair of wet hands could take up to three hours to dry, provided the dog could be persuaded to stand still long enough. Unfortunately, in this time-dependent era people have come to expect things like hand drying to be convenient and quick, an attitude which I have consistently warned will result in the decline of all life as we know it, and the eventual domination of the Earth’s ecosystem by deadly microscopic bacteria by the year 2537″..
The festival was curated by Jools Holland, who announced at the opening ceremony:”After the incredible success of my autobiography Plink Plink Plonk I’m going to start writing more books. The BBC have already commissioned my idea for a book program Literator with Jools Holland, where I have famous guest authors who let me write a bit in their books”. Amongst other notable publications were the long-awaited third volume of Celia Kanth’s trilogy Dark Satanic Mills and Boone and performance artist Bandy Sponk’s lavishly illustrated treatise Art with a Capital R. Also on show were excerpts from Sponk’s acclaimed exhibition at Upper Dicker’s Pink Triangle Gallery of the handwritten set lists of rock bands which he has collected from all over the world. This one is from Platonic Bomb’s legendary farewell gig by at Tokyo’s Fukuoka Karaoke Gymnasium the night before it caught fire:
ESKIMOES DON’T SMOKE
UGLY PURPLE STRIPES
TOAST IN MEMORIAM
WAITING FOR THE TEA FAIRY
IT AIN’T ROCKET SALAD
NEWT DESCENDING STAIRCASE
ENCORE: NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LYNCH/CLONE DANCING
RITZ HOTEL TO BECOME OCEAN-GOING LINER
Cunard announced today they have completed the purchase of the Ritz Hotel Piccadilly for £600m, and intend to convert it into a transatlantic cruise ship.
an artist’s impression of what the HMS Ritz might look like sinking on it’s maiden voyage
HORSES DEMAND EQUITY
Actors wearing horse costumes clashed with real horses outside the Upper Dicker Hippodrome yesterday as the row over pantomime rules escalated.
Mr Ed, leader of the Pantomime Horse Union (PHU) has rejected demands from the equine performance community that real horses wearing pants be used instead of the traditional two-man horse costume. Mr Ed has criticised the demands on the grounds of safety, citing the 1864 London Palladium pantomime tragedy which resulted in several fatalities after the horse in Dick Whittington sent the audience into a panic after leaping from the stage. “That was why they introduced the pantomime horse we know and love.” he told us, “In this business we call show, safety is always paramount. The PHU’s view is this: as well as providing employment for two actors, the pantomime horse is one of the safest traditions we have, since the actor ain the rear also doubles as a guard.”
comes this week from the US dictionary, Webster’s
- One who coots.
- (superlative) More coot than……Example “My douche-bag is cooter than yours”
I am against the word douche, which is of course, from Amerika. It is unnecessary as there are plenty of words associated with cleansing the front bum area which originated right here in England’s green and pleasant land. Wordsworth never used the word douche, because he preferred the word daffodil. Shakespeare, similarly, totally avoided the word, as it gave him headaches.
Colin Gibson • Emmet Ives • Anita Makris
SAY GOODBYE TO IRONING MISERY!
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CAUTIONMAY CAUSE SMILEY FACE T-SHIRTS TO LOOK INSINCERE
by The Hunt Cult. Click for video
“Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn’t do anything”
By Colin Gibson
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