Bird Guano’s
The column which thinks the subconscious is an undomesticated beast which should be kept outdoors

READER: I’m so looking forward to the World Cup!
MYSELF:  No doubt the World Cup is equally excited at the prospect of your attendance.
READER:  Oh I’m not going to Qatar, it’s far too hot. Anway, why the barely concealed sarcasm?
MYSELF: It’s because I have an irrational hatred of people with more money than they are able to spend and have a desperate desire to sportswash away their utter indifference to human life, despite never having had any discernible interest in football. Or for that matter those organisations with a penchant for money laundering, blatant, filthy corruption and bribery.
READER: Are you suggesting that FIFA were not being totally transparent in awarding the 2022 World Cup to Qatar?
MYSELF: Well, given that the oily little fiefdom has never disguised the fact that it is a family-run business with intolerance, misogyny, international destabilisation and a deep hatred of democracy at the top of their agenda and that the FIFA of Sep Blatter and Michel Platini presides over a disgusting, morality-free cesspit of pitiless greed…. yes. What does it take to stop people looking the other way? And even if they stopped, how long before they start looking the other way again?
READER: Money talks, I suppose.
MYSELF:  Money don’t talk it screams, as Arthur Miller said in 1947’s All My Sons.

The Countryside Alliance Legalise Pot Campaign kicked off in earnest yesterday as the Royal Wiltshire and Upper Dicker hunts combined to protest outside the Houses of Parliament. Police were left powerless after Grant Schnapps, Grand Wizard of Westminster Masonic Lodge handed out brown envelopes to officers.
Led by Upper Dicker Master of Hounds Reginald Dogger, the pink-jacketed mob lit up huge pungent reefers and glued their horses together in a bid to block MP’s from voting down the legalisation bill. Members of the League Against Cruel Sports turned up about fifteen minutes into the demo to promote the idea of drag hunting by dressing as Coronation Street actresses.


1. This ludicrous fashion for droppin’ the letter G in words endin’ in ing– what’s it all about? I suppose it at least forces thick MPs to keep an eye on what they are actually saying. The much-missed Minister for the Abolition of Human Rights Priti “Vacant” Patel had a huge problem with that, as she randomly forgot to drop the G when she got over excited about sending children to Rwanda for instance, or torturin’ kittens. I offer this solution to all members of parliament; in order to keep yourself on your toes in today’s pronunciation minefield, start adding Gs to words ending with ‘N’.  Then we can discuss Vladimir Puting, Boris Johnsong and Joe Bideng with impunity.
2. The worst and most irritating ads on radio:
The woman with the rusty seesaw voice who wants to persuade us to use Vodaphone and the Samsung Galaxy by imitating an injured parrot on a bouncy castle.
Shameless hack Kevin Bacon plugging EE,  who, by using his extraordiary thespian talent, manages to sound like a hammy English radio actor with a terrible US accent.
Harry Redknapp, the sensationally unfunny ex-football manager who pretends to be a thick bloke with an overbearing wife in order to get other thick blokes to gamble. I say pretends to be thick, but I’m not certain.

And the winner is: Boost your Credit Score with Experian, a desperately patronising piece of condescention which tries to convince the unwary listener to destroy the radio with whatever weapon comes to hand.

READER:  Isn’t it about time we had another horoscope? What sign are you anyway?
MYSELF: Surely a man of your intellect doesn’t swallow all that rubbish? I’m Porcupine with Spleen rising, if you must know.
READER: Go ahead and scoff, but the Chinese have been practicing horoscopy for 5,000 years.
MYSELF: Well they must be pretty good at it by now. Would you like me to do a horoscope?
READER: You? You’re not qualified.
MYSELF: That’s where you’re wrong.  Remember The Amazing Marzo, the celebrity psychic clairvoyant who used to have his own TV show?
MYSELF:   Well that was me.


Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Let’s not beat about the bush. Now that Saturn is on the up and up, a tall man with a purple goitre will steal your pyjamas, and leave in their place a string of spicy Cumberland sausages. Eat as much avocado as you can stomach, but steer clear of the number 41.
Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Ha! Caught you! You ought to be ashamed of yourself you dirty, disgusting pervert. If God had meant people to do that sort of thing, he wouldn’t have invented chimney sweeps. Stay away from very small African snooker players if you know what’s good for you. 
Aries (21 March-20 April)
A shock from a household appliance could leave you with a permanent lisp. A smaller than usual Mars dictates your love life and hobbies, so avoid gaseous things, the letter Q and marshmallows.
Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Yippee! Now is the time to take that holiday in Munchhausen, as Venus, now on a collision course with a giant asteroid, dominates your rising sign of Virgo. A bus conductress brings you important news of an Egyptian nature, testing your easy going personality to the full.
Gemini (22 May-21 June)
A man wearing a Father Christmas outfit is living in your garden shed. Call the police.
Cancer  (22 June 23 July)
A chance meeting with a zookeeper will inflate your ego and give you a false sense of importance. Remember, penguins have fiery tempers and don’t approve of swearing.
Leo  (24 July-23 August)
No. It’s simply not worth it.
Virgo (24 August-23 September)
Virgos are temperamental due to a clash of rising signs. Steer clear of moths and Yorkshire Terriers, at least until the clocks go back.
Libra (24 September-23 October)
Hardly anybody likes your new car. I’m not surprised. Wear a maroon pullover during the eclipse.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 23)
Boil an egg, it feels good and no-one minds really.
Saggitarius (24 November-21 December)
Resist the temptation to become a dentist this month, as Mercury is squashing your diving sign of Pluto.
Capricorn  (22 December-20 January)
With Mercury on the ascendant and Uranus looming, the game is up.
Everyone knows about the squirrels. If you want my advice, get out of town fast. Avoid prunes.

Jeremy Wuss is head of sales at Buzzin Buzzard Vibrators in Hampton Wick and a keen Senenth Day Evangelist. His Mother Dorothy invented the three-cupped bra used by Lulu LaVerne in 1953’s Carry on Up The Drainpipe.

By Jeremy Wuss

I think of Jesus In my shoe
And in my thornproof trousers too.
He maketh all the cows go moo
And cleaneth up his doggy-doo

Where ‘ere you look you will find Jesus
Even in the strongest cheeses
Stinking Bishop springs to mind
Though not the paedophilic kind

Our Blessed Lord, though omnipresent
Is not the slightest bit unpleasant
I keep Him in a little box
Bless His holy cotton socks.



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