SAUSAGE Life 272

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which knows exactly what 9% apr representative means, but refuses to tell you

MYSELF: What time do you call this?

READER: Sorry, the trains were on strike again. Why do they keep doing this?

MYSELF: Well, they want a pay rise.

READER: A pay rise? What for?

MYSELF: The usual, you know, food, rent, clothing, that type of thing.

READER: How bloody inconsiderate! Who do they think they are?

MYSELF: Anyway I thought you were working from home?

READER: Not since I got out of prison.

DEAD CATS SPOTTED IN CHANNEL
Semi-retired agent provocateur Nigel Farage, speaking from the top bunk of his air-conditioned Arron Banks-funded luxury motor home parked on the white cliffs of Dover, has reported a raft full of dead cats trying to cross the English Channel. “I was scanning the busy shipping lanes with my Arron Banks-funded Super Migrascope with radar-assisted cross hairs,” the weasel-faced stool pigeon told us, “when I spotted the flimsy inflatable vessel drifting dangerously near the wake of a P&O cross channel ferry bound for Dover. Being unable to spot any undesirable aliens, I assumed that the raft contained old, unused government proposals which had been cast adrift – that is until I noticed the cases of extra-virgin snake oil stacked in the stern, the pall of smoke and the tell-tale flash of mirrors. I immediately reported the dead cat sighting to Home Secretary Cruella de Braverman and the editor of The Daily Mail, who between them manufactured a jolly scary story with the headline DUNKIRK HEROES SPIN IN GRAVES AS FOREIGN INVASION CONTINUES “. My disciples (or as I refer to them on twitter, my ‘peeps’) were thus able to spread this manufactured crock of nonsense like well-rotted manure, over social media’s green unpleasant pastures.”

KANGAROO CAUGHT
Mugabe the boxing kangaroo, (or as many journalists have dubbed him), Raabo, has finally been catured after almost three years on the run. He was tracked down at the Upper Dicker branch of Tuckerbag, the supermarket which caters for ex-pat Australians and confused Kiwis, where he was spotted buying cans of the popular antipodean soft drink Kookaburra Koala. A police helicopter arrived within minutes and after surrounding the store, tazered him and removed his boxing gloves. Trained members of the Upper Dicker Armed Kangaroo Squad expressed surprise after discovering that instead of the expected horseshoes, Mugabi’s mitts contained only Vegemite sandwiches.

The kangaroo escaped in 2020 from Strangeway’s holiday camp in nearby Herstmonceux, where he was employed to give small children rides in his pouch. He is now believed to have been staying at a Travelodge in Bexhill under an assumed name.
“Of course what the management of Strangeway’s hadn’t realised,” East Sussex Police Chief Hydra Gorgon told us. “is that the male kangaroo does not have a pouch. We think this gender confusion may have been a key factor in turning what was once a loveable, Disneyesque character into the rogue marsupial he subsequently became.”

MERGER MOST FOUL
It was reported in the financial section of The Fortean Times yesterday that The Knights Templars, The Illuminati, and The Elders of Zion are to be the subjects of an aggressive takeover bid by Lizard Empires, the misinformation company run by the track-suited guru of the gullible David Icke. In a recent interview with Bonkers magazine, Mr Icke suggested that it was about time all the bat-crazy theories of the world’s leading proponents of horseshit were brought together in one giant conspiracy.
“We now live in the tiktoking twittersphere of social media,” he told us from Lizard Empire’s headquarters in East Grinstead, “where the proliferation of so many differing theories such as 9/11, Pizzagate, Chemtrails, and QAnon, is sowing the wrong sort of confusion in the minds of the general population. In my opinion, the public would be much better served were they able to embrace one enormous all-inclusive nose-bag of Merde de Cheval.”
FAIR PLAY
Mr Edde, a spokesman for The Monopolies Commission however, had this to say:
“Existing legislation is quite clearly laid out in paragraph 447a of the 1949 Malicious Propaganda Act”:  
The spreading of total bollocks and the dissemination of horseshit shall be treated with the same consideration for proper competition as any other business. No pun intended.
“It is our view that this merger would simply narrow the public’s choice when it comes to deciding which particular pot pourri of half-witted balderdash they wish to swallow.”
On the same day, despite heavy rain, a well-behaved gaggle of around twenty anti-vaxxers and 5G conspirators added their high-pitched voices to the debate by converging on Parliament Square and marching up and down with banners proclaiming:
WAKE UP SHEEPLES! POLIO, MEASLES AND DIPTHERIA ARE A HOAX! and THE DEVIL MASTS OF DOOM ARE COMING TO EAT YOUR CHILDREN!