The column which sucks eggs against the better advice of its grandmother
MYSELF: You’re looking stressed, what’s up?
READER: I’m going to have to stop watching lockdown football on TV.
MYSELF: Really? Is it the poor quality? Is your team doing badly?
READER: No, it’s the bloody shouting, I can’t concentrate. The boot boys, sponge-men, assorted ground staff, all of them bellowing at the players in some kind of made-up language. It’s giving me disturbing childhood flashbacks.
MYSELF: Goodness. Can you be more specific?
READER: Yes. Imagine if all the rag and bone men came round to your your house at once.
MYSELF: That is a terrifying thought upon which I would prefer not to dwell. Would some curious facts from around the world of items help sooth your Freudian soccer-angst perhaps?
READER: Bravo! That’s more like it! I feel better already!
BLIMEY! CURIOUS FACTS FROM AROUND THE WORLD OF ITEMS
Did you know that the spider is not an insect, but a mammal, which can break a man’s arm with any one of its eight wings?
Did you know that the Montezuma Quail is witheringly sarcastic, and is not to be trusted with money?
Did you know that the late Ginger Baker, ex drummer of The Cream, recently turned down the role of Dr Who?
Did you know that Nigel Farage, the Caribbean calypso singer owns his own miniature one-man submarine?
READER: I have a feeling that one of those “facts” is not true.
MYSELF: Fair enough, which one do you think is false?
READER: Let me see…. I know Nigel Farage owns a miniature submarine and is definitely from the Caribbean, because I saw a video of him limbo dancing under a horse in St Kitt’s. As for number 2, I myself was once grossly insulted by a Montezuma Quail after I rashly lent it £10.
MYSELF: So, could it be Ginger Baker as potential Dr Who perhaps?
READER: Well, that definitely has the ring of truth about it, even though he is dead, which just leaves the limb-fracturing arachnid. Is it the spider?
MYSELF: You are going to kick yourself. The odd one out is the Montezuma Quail, a polite, charming and trustworthy bird with whom you would happily go into business. I can only suppose that the Quail you met was suffering from stress. Or perhaps it was another type of bird altogether, wearing a Quail costume?
READER: Actually now you come to mention it… it may have been a Hoopoe.
We are obliged by the Press Council to publish the following letter
Dear Mr so-called Guano,
in these more enlightened times, must we, the plain folk of Ireland, still have to put up with cheap stereotypical so-called “irish jokes” like the pitiful example on display in in last week’s Sausage Life? Contrary to (un)popular opinion, we are not a nation of potato-eating bumkins, permanently fluthered on too many jars of the black stuff. Nor are we patronised poltroons, rib-ticklingly amused by ridiculous cod-Irish names, like Toby Shaw which your ‘reader’ claimed to have changed his moniker to in honour of St Patrick’s Day. This type of puerile humour may well appeal to your low-level Jackeens, your banjaxed Bosthoons or certain classes of eejit – but I feel sure that the intelligent readership of your respected and venerable organ would be better served were you to rise above this type of thing.
Sue Atiz, Dublin
TV TITBITS-RAMSAY’S RECURRING NIGHTMARES?
Following the Covid 19 lockdown, Gordon Ramsay’s chain of upmarket kitchen utensil stores Chef-Swear, has posted a severe profit warning, since when he has been looking for a way back into TV. The potty-mouthed TV cook is rumoured to have agreed a deal with Channel 5 to front a new series Ramsay’s Council Nightmares during which he will go into UK borough councils and try to improve their efficiency.
“This is going to lift the lid on the f•••ing appalling state of UK local councils,” he is alleged to have told a journalist from the catering magazine Shock Chef, “you wouldn’t f•••ing believe the state of some of the chambers I’ve been in. One, which I won’t name,” he reportedly railed, ” had a disgustingly filthy agenda containing council policies well past their sell-by date, covered in f•••ing mould and stored next to rafts of proposals and exposed plastic trays containing f•••ing pre-cooked processed plans waiting to be zapped in a f•••ing microwave and served up to the unsuspecting electorate as fresh.”
A spokesman for the unnamed council said, “We welcome Gordon’s intervention. This could be just the breath of fresh air we’ve been looking for. Let’s face it, if Chef Ramsay can turn around an anachronistic, run down organisation as grossly inefficient as ours and at the same time get us massive TV coverage, it’s surely got to be worth a bit of public humiliation. I for one am perfectly comfortable with being called a “worthlless f•••ing slug” or the more comprehensive “a totally unqualified f•••wit of a wa**er who couldn’t organise a f•••ing sh•• in a f•••ing bucket”
Your favourite Agony aunt is back, rehabbed, replenished and refreshed, with strictly unqualified non-confidential advice for the needy, the lovelorn or the just plain confused.
Wendy is sponsored by Wurlitzer Organs UK
I’m frantic. My husband Harry’s 50th birthday is three weeks away and he has all the gadgets a man could ever wish for (including a mechanical device he keeps in his shed but refuses to tell me what it’s for). He’s very musical, but recently returned from a business trip in the Far East with chronic incontinence which has sadly prevented him from continuing with his part-time job as church organist. Wendy – what can I buy him for his special day?
Mia Tryfel (Mrs),
Dear Mrs Tryfel,
Don’t panic, there’s no such thing as the man who has everything. I can think of no more appropriate a gift for your musically talented yet cruelly afflicted spouse, than the Pump ‘n Dump Commodium by Wurlitzer. With the aid of this medically-approved portable self-flushing combination reed organ and commode stool, your husband can safely resume his part-time occupation. His musical doodling will no longer be curtailed by the ominous rumble of nature calling unannounced. As your husband’s errant bowel is gently regulated, the pneumatic foot pedals pump pressurized air into the Commodium’s unique U-Pipe disposal pistons. Once the system is plumbed in to an external septic tank, any unpleasant waste is efficiently dealt with by the chaise percée-themed hygienic mahogony commode stool.
The Wurlitzer Pump ‘n Dump Commodium comes with a free starter pack of ‘sheet music’ toilet paper, featuring organ maestro Gottfried Schtumm’s moving selection of ‘relaxative’ melodies including Exodus, I Shall Be Released, The Old Log Cabin and many more.