A Cambridge student, Ronald Coyne (21) has set fire to his entire fortune in front of a tramp for a ‘ruse.’ The incident happened on ‘Enrage The Poor Night,’ a weekly tradition for Cambridge students wishing to apply for the privileged Bullingdon Club and, although local Tory club representatives have temporarily barred Mr Coyne for public relations reasons, it is known that government budget officials have already earmarked the cash burning student for a top job at the Treasury.
Lord Arthur Avarus, chief advisor to the UK Treasury commented on the incident, “Not only has Coyne shown how effective a top-notch English education is for instilling a sense of cruelty, natural superiority and ridiculous self-entitlement but also establishing a keen understanding for the true value of money. He’s all set to be the new George Osborne and is certainly paying attention in his classes which, I might add, are obviously worth every single one of the trillions and trillions and, literally, trillions of pennies that it costs you.”
Mr Coyne’s parents were upbeat about the incident laughing, “It’s funny. He never did this type of thing at home. Though, there aren’t any poor people here to goad so they might explain it. We’re not made of money, though fortunately our bank account is so we’ll be sending him another van load of the stuff so he can rub it in a waitress’s face, or wipe his arse with it then slap it on the forehead of a lap dancer on one of his nights out with his brainy uni mates. We feel that it’s important, especially at testing times such as these, that people always remember whatever he does with it – even if he rams it all up a vicar’s backside with a punting pole – he’ll still walk into a highly-paid job when he leaves university which, in itself, is far more enraging.”
Mr Coyne was not available for comment himself as he was busy flushing his wallet down a local Premier Inntoilet in front of a cleaner on minimum wages but Peter Patiens, the tramp in front of whom the money was burnt, said, “What a prick. At least it kept me and my mates warm for the night and, as we stood around warming our hands and taking the piss out of the little tosser, we discussed that surely the only effective way of resolving the existing international economic crisis, thus preventing this uneven spread of wealth, was to give the government back the ability of money production for which they need only charge interest rates in line with inflation when, after all, lending it to themselves, instead of borrowing it from the usury-based, privately-owned central banking cartel. But no one listens to us because we didn’t go to Cambridge University. Never mind. Going to be another cold night. I wonder where the prick is?”
Ronald Coyne was seen on a Snapchat video wearing a white bow tie and tails and struggling to set alight the …
8 Dec 2015 – Before I became a student there, I never quite appreciated how the … like Oxford and Cambridge were being used to prop up the class system in this country. … I also paid for the privilege of working at that ball, for my part ..