MI5 have revealed plans to use a weaponised Queen Elizabeth II drone to kill President Donald Trump on his forthcoming UK visit. The hit on the troublesome US President is due to mounting international pressure to get rid of him before he does something really stupid during the next three years and 360 days of his Presidency. Such is the overwhelming support for the plan that the list of advocates contains several renowned pacifists including: Archbishop Desmond Tutu, former UN Chief Kofi Annan and even BBC 1’s kind-hearted weatherwoman Carol Kirkwood.
A top-level MI5 Intelligence boss with maximum security clearance and thirty years experience working within the heart of the country’s secretive counter-intelligence apparatus protecting our fragile nation’s peace from the very real threat of international terrorism took £10 off us and said, ‘We have had the weaponised ‘Queenie‘ drone for a while. We were going to use it on Blair in case he didn’t go through with the Iraq War in 2003. But he always was such a good boy. Anyway – the plan is to get the drone Queen to lure old Humpty-Trumpty to a part of Buckingham Palace that already needs redecorating by offering him a coke or a meeting with fellow ginge Prince Harry then – Blam! – no one could put poor Humpty-Trumpty back together again. At first we were going to use a room that she [the Queen] wanted orange – y’know? To save money. Splat! But apparently she said ‘just kill the little shit, clean the floor with a mop and bucket then hang some £140 a roll Arundale Trefoil wallpaper.’ That’s royalty for you. Pure class.’
CIA bosses have indicated they are ready to replace Mr Trump with their own drone: TRU-MP 2;(Tithead Replacement Unit – Mechanised President #2) and that the ‘switch’ will take place shortly after the ‘hit’ just like ‘the old days.’ Technicians working at the agency’s biological weapons development department said that in order to fool the press and Trump’s family members the drone has been fitted with a random sentence generator made from the broken voice box of an old GI Joe and the CPU from a computer installed with Windows 8. Another realistic feature is the incorporation of the special gripping hands from the same GI Joe toy which, whilst having both exactly the same skin colour and texture as the old president, will also allow the new TRU-MP 2 to convincingly continue grabbing women’s genitalia and to hold a crayon when he is signing the dissolution of the Kyoto climate agreement.
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