SAUSAGE 344

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column that wonders if two-tone shoes will ever come back

READER: Welcome home, how was Poland?

MYSELF: Tremendous, but I’m glad to be back in good old Blighty, where thankfully, the cows still go moo. In Eastern Europe the cows tend to keep a low profile if they know what’s good for them. No pun intended.

READER: I didn’t actually notice one, but yes, we don’t know how lucky we are.

MYSELF: Furthermore, there appears to have been an explosion of tanning salons, nail bars, gentlemen’s hairdressers and vape shops since they relaxed the borders – all staffed by British immigrants on zero hours contracts.

READER: That’s progress! Still, it’s good that you’re finally getting the recognition you deserve.

MYSELF: Isn’t it? I had no idea I had so many Polish fans! At one book signing In Krakow’s famous Torture Park, (where a permanent banner-waving clique of my admirers gathers every other Sunday to call for my reinstatement as author in residence at Bialystok Finishing School for Young Ladies – incidentally I was cleared of all charges), one woman even handcuffed herself to the brass drawer-pull of an exquisitely carved renaissance tallboy, having already had my name inscribed across her chest in cake icing.

LETTER FROM NIGERIA
It is worth reminding ourselves, particularly during times of footloose warmongering insanity, that we are not the only democratic nation on earth. It was comforting to note therefore, that Africa’s number one enemy of corruption, Nigeria, has recently elected a new leader in an atmosphere of peace, religious tolerance and goodwill. Naturally I was delighted when I received this charming letter from a cheerful resident:

Dear esteemed sir,
police allow me to introduce my humble self. Although a poor uneducated citizen of little repute, I am presently studying to be a witch doctor in order that I may learn to cure Ebola by recycling discarded sausage skins. My star sign is Ectoplasm with Spleen rising, but because I am astrologically intolerant, I am unable to wear the required magic elasticated horoscope trousers, and so I am forced to purchase expensive imported British braces. Your worship, I am torn between support for my education and support for my trousers, but I am confident, kind sir, that because you are truly a saint among sinners, I can look forward to receiving your bank details, the name of your first pet and any supporting passwords, (which I can assure you my dearest friend, will be treated with utmost confidentiality), so that I may be at last able pursue my medical dream.
Sincerely Yaws,
Bon Voyage Dayglo Hi-Viz Macarena,
Lagos, Nigeria

APRIL DATES FOR YOUR DIARY
At Guano Greetings, we stock a large selection of cards celebrating the following:
Kissing Cousin’s Day (Norfolk, 17^th), Fiver Day (21^st), Daniel Day (Lewes, 23^rd), Fifty Shades of Gray Day,(28^th) Doris Day Day, (30^th), Hung Monkey Day (Hartlepool, 31st)

QUELLE FROMAGE
Genius inventor Professor Gordon Thinktank has challenged universally accepted cheese theory. His controversial paper, New Theories In Cheese, has turned the world of cheese on its head. Until now, it was thought that the holes in Swiss cheese were caused by tiny mice. According to the professor’s exhaustive research, tiny mice are not responsible. The holes, he claims, are caused by terrifying microscopic bacteria invisible to the naked eye with razor-sharp lobster-like claws and a prehensile tail which can deliver a deadly 2,000 volt electric shock.

CHEMTRAIL MENACE
My spies tell me that Lizard-Men are operating in Upper Dicker town centre, selling deadly chemtrail vapes to schoolchildren innocently enjoying their Easter break. These shape-shifting amphibians, many of them minor royals, are reportedly charging up to £25 for a single chemtrail-filled pipe! It is thought that some are so hopelessly addicted they have resorted to applying for part-time jobs in order to support their chemtrail habit.
READER: Lizard men? Where?
MYSELF: I’m afraid so. I saw some this morning, at The Alastair Crowley Memorial Garden Centre, loitering by the indoor plants, bold as brass.
READER: Hanging baskets are too good for them. Any of those lizard men approach my kids, I’ll swing for it.

OBITUARY
The sad passing was announced earlier this month of euphonium maestro Bill “Wee Willy” Winquay, founder of controversial thrash metal brass band Winston Churchill’s Floating Piers. Bill forged the band from the remnants of legendary folk quartet Finnigan Swake, poaching manicurist Rusty Tabernacle and DIY guru Ted Lard from The Gorgeous Gargoyles along the way. The Piers’ debut album Crystal Meth Chandelier was described by Chuck Hipster of Rolling Stone as “more seminal than Monica Lewinsky’s dress”.
Bill, who could be both charming and offensive at the same time, was an incurable romantic, as well as a notorious pederast. In 2008 he famously returned his OBE, offering to exchange it for “a BMX, or a PlayStation 2 with games”
Always an astute businessman, Bill managed to find later success outside the music business with Yanks, a chain of scissorless hairdressers for Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Top Tat, a thrift store in Belgravia where everything costs £100. Tragically, Bill died undergoing transsexual surgery in a bid to marry his childhood sweetheart “Wild” Tam McDonald, drummer with The Furry Stranglers.
He was planning, according to close friends, to change his name to Wanda.
Bill “Wee Willie” Winquay, b. June 3rd 1959 – d. April 1 2026

BABY BOOM BOYS
Those arbiters of public taste, Ronnie Dolce and Reggie Gabbana, have criticised the practice of gay adoption. On this controversial subject I am so behind Elton John (don’t!), that I am not only giving up buying Dolce & Gabbana, I am also totally boycotting Bollinger Champagne, Beluga Caviar, Rolls Royce Silver Clouds, Solid Gold Hats, Virgin Space Flight tickets, $3,000 a night whores and that coffee that comes out of a hamster’s arse. If a cheap toupée and a bottle of Brown Ale is good enough for Mr. Dwight, it’s good enough for me!

THE BELLS, THE BELLS…….THE BELLS
Finally, a reminder that the annual Men’s Morris Dancing Open Championship will take place at Upper Dicker’s Benito Musselini Hall on May 1st. Public anticipation is palpable and retailers are reporting an unprecedented surge in demand for sleeping bags as excited fans begin queuing early to avoid disappointment. This year’s contest is shaping up to be “just the same as all the others” according to Dick Lymp, leader of Morrismen’s union Bellend, who has also asked us to mention that the £250 entrance fee will be waived for anyone able to answer the following question:
If war is legalised murder, and politics is showbusiness for the ugly, is religion organised schizophrenia?

Sausage life!