DODGY ELECTRICS

 

I: FINAL COUNTDOWN

Far out incandescent concrete message final countdown phantom hitch-hiker fall apart rainbow bridge designer death threats burnt-out cars torn maps of inner space – its all in a day’s work for the man on the train reminiscing (mint juleps pillared verandah those were the days) bombed-out instrumental breaks ultimate urban adventure every Friday night at La Casa Neurotica anytime anywhere shareholders cream-off millions whole thing bad trip derangement overload burning tabernacle critical year all we need why sir I do declare simpered Angie from The Hotel Balkan – I woz a gay biker centerfold seventy three seventy five lets go lets go just another service wheel clamps and a pain in the arsenal Jack. Bad old days Whitechapel Mile End down and out far gone far out far flung corner of The Empire get away with murder loss of identity crisis I keep re-living these nightmares hidden heritage deep underground deep down deep and dark we just don’t talk about it anymore may you rot in hell you goggle-eyed couch-potatoes looks a wreck now dear god no more oh pleases don’t ooh ow ow aaah do you really wannit? Alumni lesser lights and luminaries violence swearing drug abuse nudity and now a few words from our sponsors obscene fat cats large cigars limousines colour TV Botticelli shower-curtains great expectations. Trapped Phoenix life or death girls or boys ladies and uh gentlemen The Screaming Skulls of Olde England! The Mad Dogs of Worthington! What a scoop outside this charmed circle of slowly revolving clear blue plasma I just love rooftops exotic kaleidoscope dubious screen personas dead branches I cried 96 Tears of remastered ecstasy just so blank inside killer testimonials third eye warning meltdown into trash trash into style and back again he would say that Action Girl smashes thru window prances across the table gives Jack a big wet sloppy one right on the kisser couldn’t believe my eyes what a turn up dirty street screeching video howlers flaring nostrils cracked skin – don’t say anything darling not a thing

II: MARBLES LOST IN SPACE

Wrinkle your nose stick out your tongue wiggle you bottom trust me I’m a doctor regular sensitive synchronize your watches there’s a lot of it about. All I got was an ansaphone and continental drift blue mountain no more crushed velvet flares arch across sky with diamonds full-blown orchestra of long-haired weirdos in mascara funny hats can do without this actually I always wanted to get some girl to carve swastikas in my hair (or face) dismembered by the audience reconstituted as the Orphic shaman of rock ‘n’ roll I’ve seen the future and it stinks to high heaven better believe it or else charismatic renewal smoke filled rooms beer skittles rum bum and concertina pile ‘em high sell ‘em cheap dirt cheap shift product crucify your sister on prime time news pile up bodies on the beach don’t look at the camera! Make it real sunset over the bay with illuminations I always wanted to be like the vicar’s wife so demure so childlike so innocent crashing chords jangling nerves dismembered chickens couldn’t possibly comment smoke drifts across battlefield walking wounded fall into trenches jets buzz overhead tattered flag flame-throwers real thing not just TV big movie production values ‘the works’ (you’ve got it just name it yours for a price) lets face it kiddo we’re on different planets trash into style and back out again and again smoke gets in your no way no more last known portrait and there was golden mountains on mountains all living on The Edge its all SF now broken film fast lane red green amber gray clouds back of beyond living death middle of nowhere no place Sic Transit Gloria your hazel eyes your gilded youth I get so confused my father looked like Edward Fox sign here

III: KICKING AND SCREAMING

Electric windows sunroof alloy wheels remember how what when?

For a few quid you can be whoever or whatever you want: Wannabe The Empress of Cool? Wannabe Kathy Acker? Wannabe Eric Cantona? Wannabe an all-round entertainer? Wannabe The Great Og Dogon? Wannabe Gazza? Liza Minnelli? Peggy Lee? Perry Como? Recall those rituals? Old stagers never die just fade away some day hysterical takes allsorts Zany Janey from Dial-A-Dildo drapes herself across an ice cold Croc-O-Roc chrome plated cocktail shaker red light green light Bistro Bar Cafe Moiré gerrem off run a gauntlet of hate in your slinky numero noir its a hundred quid if you gerrem off on the tube unique blend of high quality service lets go go go well I always cum kicking and screaming its two hundred quid if you gerrem off in flight entertainment kamikaze cherry blossom life support every evening every afternoon last night the moon turned green eye-popping mesmerizing dazzling affecting this lower class accent my Aunt Polly was well-sprung and religious I used to dread her regular visits morbid gazing city of spires just watching movies all day long clear out riff-raff common as muck even now my funeral cortege stink of sweating its fifty quid if you gerrem off in a restaurant (waiter has to sign) put some meat on your ribs fully licensed wine bar crammed with saucy sixteen year olds know what I nudge mean nudge done up to the nines patent leather shoes lounge lizard chop suey garden Chinese Lanterns gerrem off at the weekend no questions asked oh Donna ain’t no way out how sordid can we get never mind your airs and graces floral tributes wreathes bouquets shock loss of identity this is it

IV: BREATHTAKING RIVETING

A parrot screams Stella Artois! Crisis shock loss of identity parade gerrem off three hundred quid if you gerrem off on Blind Date what a hoot Cilia faints shock filthy job somebody’s got to do it variations gerrem off in Blackpool for five hundred no more no less breathtaking riveting darker than the darkest black hole New York invaded by twenty-foot high battery-powered pissing Barbie Dolls “Its like some bloody awful B Movie” muttered Brad as a he took my arm passing trade big money media tycoonery international door-opening gerrem off cause international incident all good stuff all mod cons spotless white spiritual heartland broken silent films rolling flickering frames night moves grainy images aging gigolo don’t gerrem off for him no way not even for seven hundred a real lifeline oh please don’t its too little too late if he looks this way don’t say anything (story of my life) just bourgeois trash cross over into other dimensions in a white Ford Galaxy Street lights streaming away gerrem off end up on a wall in post-modern lights gerrem off on up down do the Lambada jive bunnies live it up ghosts of Glen Miller Ritchie Valens you should be so unhygienic crispy prawn wantons makes you wonder about this younger generation such poor taste total basket case who’s this talking voices in my head told me to do it do it just do it tawdry leopard-skin coat barely concealed power mania that’s what it is then we were zapped by commie psychics

V: ALL THE STREETS

Utterly unthinkable on The Thames Turbo of all places Electronic Huggy Trolls rub hair for luck can feel it coming (all) over me gerrem off inspire nameless terror face the music take it like the weedy wimp you know you are – intercession – thank you very much make of it what you will Ford Transit Gloria Mundi stirring dead leaves in Surrey Countryside apocalypse noir yesterday I thought I saw The Shadow ghost of inhuman bondage gerrem off gratis in a portaloo centre of town broad daylight smell of street crime car crime hate crime mingles with melting tarmac some old guy with bad memories of The Burma Road I just wanna see her face its life just life that’s all just life innit? But she turned her face to the wall yeah it’s only flesh only folded-in childhood memories yeah an eclipse of the sun Siegfried’s Rhine Journey not too hard teach me a lesson just do it – its the best – all girl body builders for Death Metal wheels within wheels vicious circles undertones overtones evil in the small ads bridegroom wore suspenders distant fractured recording of Doris Day singing Move Over Darling on the edge on the very edge morbid fascination for lives of loners and losers any one who’s no one City of Destruction hot towels lifetime of wandering its all the streets all the gutters star crossed fallen love uncertain spaces drained liquid energy Kool Dude Hombre live every Friday nite wicked in the wicked

VI: SOLARIUM TREMENS

City scabby bag lady New Age Strippers Queen Mary’s husband was the same “and she was ALL starch, absolute starch.” when we had Joe’s funeral the vicar was under the arch normally he’s up the other end gutted? A young couple from Woolwich just fainted on the spot I should say I’m so fat men don’t look at me anymore or the wrong men enter The Saloon Ranger one of the wrong men in a distorting mirror can I effect machines? And now the good news put it where you want to be kissed explore new dimensions pump up the volume triffic version of I Got You Babe ivory satin corset ecru lace and tulle pouting bee-stung lips welcome to Planet Earth Bozo we name the ships of shame dead vision quest into Faze Zone Karm Zone two nights in a crevasse embrace white whore echo homo naked pictures obsessed attacker hasta la vista baby love suspension bridge incident pages in the wind ecce ancilla dominatrix anti-crosswise slip roads mega-babe boobs mama just another macho trip scared sharks seven tentacles each with a mouth specialty of the house toady’s fixtures Hatfield and the North Mariana in the South The Merton Parkas The Barking Psychos your Hollywood Gothic allure its that old black well did you ever no more no less impersonating The Girl Who Broke Buddy Holly’s Heart hunger for perverse liberation windswept bridges grinding juggernauts I can take it clenched fists nothing can hurt me now live Monday live Tuesday dead by Friday collide with Mars spinning top La Grottesca Ballet And Dance routine Avon calling put him through rodeo switchback bright young things who come and go oh shapes and shades bold and beautiful solarium tremens more dead than alive you’ll never forget never from here the river looks like glass

VII: DODGY ELECTRICS OR ELSE

Du musst Caligari werden…mutters old Dr. Crow beaten to the pavement outside The Swiss Centre Leicester Square London England Europe collapses in fetid heap beneath a crowd of rabid soccer hooligans – its the Curse of The Great Og Dogon re-live your nightmares wailing banshee torture chamber taught a lesson dead broken fool stroll on banned salutes molten celluloid text of montages sliding doors priests’ holes decaying plaster rusty bedsprings Raquel picks up the pieces wordsearch wizard always a bit of scatterbrain deep in the basement of The Trocedaro and The Hot Wok Club fast film fast food fast times tell it to de judge here come de loose hand gang rolling isolated from outside world done up as Cinderella in a Black Cab stink bombs down drain next door to Fry Rite the girl (looks just like Ellen Barkin in Sea of Love) chants hypnotist from hell! Got me under his spell! Hiegh-ho some scene like The Blizzard of Ooze meets The Wizard of Id pouting bee-stung apocalypse all Doo Wop and Hula-Hoops hanging out at The Golden Fish Bar Take Away massive sign reads THE FUTURE HAS ARRIVED ON ROUTE 220 transcendental noo age experience at Patisserie de Light no more no less multi-gym and sauna dirty streets talk mobile escape from Borstal fine head of hair frizzed by the dodgy electrics or else we wanna know the reason why gotta keep my hand in that nostalgic flea-pit music really gets you right here hard shoulder suede dreams bobbins and beads supplies grand illusions strange attractions and there was a – and there was – and there was – needle stuck – and there was — silence over the moon river sick as a parrot screams NEVERMORE don’t call us we’ll call Eve Ferret Tourist Annie Jumpin’ Mad Jack Gordon Screamin’ Lord Bosphorus Goldie Hawn jumps through burning hoop perfectionist not sure where to turn looking real good for the money eat your heart out take da heat out of those home video howlers

VIII: EXHAUSTED NIGHTLIFE

Electrodes nematodes high brow hi tech hi fi hi down hi mom hi dad hi everybody hi life dead screaming windows world of splintered frames smoky basement venue maids of dishonour dreaming “My body is a sign tattooed in Space,” thought Amanda falling backwards into a giant vat of molten metal alien-style chestburster cheated in last minute sacrifice misquoting Octavio Paz (“Space is a body tattooed with signs” A Draft of Shadows, 1974) film running in my head now grainy shots of Cuban Missile Crisis strange many splendoured decor midnight light fantastique sheer deaf mute death row line up blockbuster of a lifetime street of shame hotel with no name on the game lost world shrouded in mist Lago Maggiore looks like glass politics of death nail thru head horribly hilarious another plague of Hairy Huggy Trolls vinyl cape stand-up collar bewitching boutique fiendishly funny walks spooky tricks and treats tubular artistes panting pouting Penthouse pussies on parade line up backs to the wall reggae background delirious but deeply deluded hand round old photographs incriminating negatives bloody kids right up my nose camera lucida killer pictures snuff movies snot funny rough and tumbrel pied pipers demolition men light fires hammer walls mortar cracks new skyline in five minutes even seconds had my number Spider Girls Asian Gangsters amber clouds white dred dead heads Jack assaulted by giant blind cave fish gasped Brad didn’t stand a chance no questions asked lucky break lucky strike images of aging gigolos exhausted nightlife call for futuristic beauty vile style junk journalism fast track TV parade masculine focalization at every opportunity not at all correct headlines from nameless slivers of broken glass its just so easy to stop caring dreadnought sinks with all hands steaming mainline images future cataclysms distant bar room piano

IX: CROSS MY HEART AND

Clear blue skies picturesque swirls white cloud et voila! Post-voidal dribblings take your pick cross my heart and name your price dig deep cold water fish hot spicy wings tinkling ivories only finest private oh so private effect zone ends discover new world of blood-soaked banshee spectre in 1959. Party poppers Pizza Hawaiians untold benefits regular fries cold gray platforms deserted alleyways secret labyrinth ancient footpaths cutting at strange angles through suburbia roof tiles slipping away kak kak kak bow wow wow ha ha ha sunk without trace endgame creatures gaping jaws death in the fast lane expanding inner space UFO crashes into church spire sign of the times high in the sky ring dem bells wot a giveaway lyrical extravaganza exploding mirrors soaring strings don’t cry for me hara-kiri cherry blossom floating worlds philosophy slips away Y-Fronts adrift aged codger falls asleep at cafe table cruel Britannia stroll by stroll on stroll off roll on roll off roll up roll up poppy knot itty bitty critters glow-in-dark fiendish fingernails fright-lights slime-in-a-tub witches noses luminous hands emotional striptease oompah oompah stick it up your whooppee cushion Birth of Venus shower-curtain Lavazza disco divas itsy bitsy dotty thong dayglo fishnets high heels cheap perfume nips and tucks blue hair gilded nipples black leather fingerless gloves grubby green jacket UK Subs badge ears pierced in seven places lips nostrils you name it Bovver-boots harlequin plasma clear blue skies so anyway I said cross my heart an’ hope against hope against messy scandals with a cast of thousands tabloid high jinks and your number’s up matey roll on roll off exploding mirrors in cloud filled valley far away eh funny

X: STICKY FIXERS

Peculiar cast of features flushed straight down London’s new tube desolation overload well that’s life cabin class travelers battered suitcases can’t wait to get home sheeting rain cloudburst falling leaves flash floods the monstrous Og Dogon licked its blubbery lips pulled out a giant handkerchief of splintered skulls poor Bruno and Tony charity shops up in flames new lease no premium one million plus horror-pops jackpot multi-purpose sticky fixers I was dazed phased and quite frankly amazed sand and shot blasted to hell and back might be then again might not c’est le monstre Og Dogon zut alors glistening illuminated facia continuity breaks down limp banana skin torn bus ticket train overshoots platform obscene graffiti cracks in cohesion ground control to major disaster galactic penal colony treadmills rats in cages pale blue pathetic irony waves of nausea acrid stink of yellow death ghastly ghostly garden giggles on the first day I got locked in the toilet all I remember – have you heard of Borley Rectory? Burning stars full satisfaction or money back tense nervous headache knife boys gay dreams pale wasted faces etched in train windows white style multi-reflections ultimate collide with radiation relic in new twist collage Action Girl takes off Aristoc Body Shaper brooding twilight gee honey I shrunk the Queen Loopy Lou meets Lucy Lastic urban shoot-out smashed-out guitar solo from The Barking Psychos buncha berks in snot-stained bandanas drugs barons commit suicide as copters fly in low over jungle giant aircraft carrier slides up Suez Canal acrid stench of machine plastic menace back row can’t see from here no more no less slice of the action girl arrives at last but just too late to save the planet oh well you win some you lose some

XI: OPAQUE YUK

Killer vidz kidz prole models news opaque garde toi drown in mud and giant Tabasco Cajun disco so I make my debut on Hungarian TV next week that is unless I’m cut or half-cut he he delighted to be voted TRUCK OF THE YEAR 93 digitally remastered Living Shadow Number Nine persistent offender ecstasy tragedy quark gluon quack mambo mumbo jumbo soup manic street raunchy crunchy-topped steaming screaming wheelslip why don’t you just burn up and die? Two weeks of like chaos y’know Dotty Dawg Betty Boop Ditty Bop Daffy Duck Teeny Weeny Tiny Tots Choo Choo Cha Cha Zsa Zsa Iddle Twiddle Polly Wally Widdle Niddle Dippy Dotty Loopy Droopy Lucy Lastic Eeny Meeny Tiny Teeny no friends of mine super semi-quasi four year life-span exact distance from Earth unknown eight billion light years and behold Canes Venatici Red Shift 4.9 yuk light rain on rooftops yuk gemme outa here yuk come-as-you-are yuk kicking and yuk screaming yuk mix of high octane glamour yuk sniveling prats yuk break in break out break dance break down yuk hip yuk hop gasp rip yuk rap and yuk I don’t mean yuk that as a complement ankle chewing back biting dirty tricks transfigured nightlife yuk gerrem of again I see your hair is Borley Rectory burning ghosts in the woodwork and a machine gun in a state of grace yuk The Sheik of Araby did Victoria Fall? Are you electric? Do sheep shrink? Are Gnus Opaque? We ask ze questions no news is good news so keep watching cracks in sky giant locusts gas planet alarms built as a shrine data dump in timeshift never-neverland live and die shadow of your former selves on every multiverse return ticket quantum signature tune whistle in bath eccentric old timer out in woods carves strange figures sees loathsome entities in dead branches faint rustle of dry leaves…

 

 

© A C Evans


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