- OWLING MAD
This is just one of the many letters we received after Hastings’ inventor Professor Gordon Thinktank outlined his controversial plan to curb the creeping seagull menace. Thinktank has proposed that the entire population of the town’s aggressive herring gulls be replaced with owls. “Daytrippers”, he argues, “so vital to Hastings’ economy, are rightly fed up with having their hard-earned breaks ruined by voracious dive-bombing seabirds as their fish ‘n chips are cruelly whipped away and gobbled up. Replacing these flying fast-food predators with owls, who have a completely different diet, means that the whole problem can be resolved at a stroke.” - Sirs,
- In my opinion, besides a few good inventions like the ecologically sound Panting Dog Hair Dryer and the Good Luck Ladder which automatically folds up when anyone tries to walk under it, the ideas of so-called “professor” Gordon Thinktank are the meanderings of a deluded sociopath. In the event of an apocalyptic planetary catastrophe, most people agree that a dystopian society ruled by owls and seagulls would be the inevitable result. But who would dominate? Seagulls are beefy and tough, like Tongan rugby players, whereas owls are wise and organised, like accountants. To put it simply; owls know stuff and seagulls are thick.
- Furthermore, in an owl-dominated society, the thinned-out human population would be forced to survive on a trickledown economy based on the leftovers of regurgitated mice, voles and small birds. Eggs would be beyond ordinary families’ budgets because of the difficulty of rearing battery owls. Free range owl eggs, would cost upwards of £2,000 per dozen. Seagull eggs would be far more plentiful, but unfortunately taste like curdled rat vomit. To sum up for the couch potato generation; seagulls are jocks, owls are nerds.
Trappiste (mrs), - Beyondenden Owl Sanctuary
Sussex
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Colin Gibson
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