SAUSAGE 287

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which is a triumph of no style over no substance

THE CARNIVORE IS OVER
An enterprising vegan butcher has opened a pop-up shop in Silverhill. Stanislav Waikiki’s Meat is Manslaughter will sell a range of items, including vegan pork chops, vegan sheep’s brains and vegan tripe – all made from goose feathers, soya beans and a rare, marrow-like vegetable cultivated in Wales called Pwelleriac, examples of which have been known to resemble the face of Ant McPartland. “Everyone’s a vegan now, let’s face it,” Mr Waikiki told HIP, “but in my opinion it’s just a passing fad, like The Twist, or Brexit. I mean, how long it will last is anybody’s guess but I’ll certainly be keeping my options open. Until this craze has run its course, you can count on me to soya-milk it to the max”.

READER: That’s quite a coincidence because I’m a vegan now.
MYSELF: Really? Since when?
READER: Since I read about it in The Daily Mail.
MYSELF: Which means it must be true.
READER: Exactly. No more bacon sandwiches or fish and chips for me.
MYSELF: What about leather shoes?
READER: You can’t eat leather shoes…..can you?
MYSELF: Not unless you are Charlie Chaplin in his classic 1925 silent film The Gold Rush, but if you are vegan, you will be required to stop wearing them.
READER: What? There was no mention of that in The Mail. If you think I’m going to Lidl in my bare feet you’re quite mistaken. I’m calling the whole thing off.
MYSELF: A great loss to the vegan movement, but very wise under the circumstances.

DAIRY FACT
During the war, milk was in very short supply as most fighting-age cows had been drafted into the army. The top secret formula for Mucau, a substitute milk which was originally manufactured by the Ersatz Volmilsch Company of Berlin was captured by British postmen parachuted behind enemy lines disguised as milkmen, who then sent the information to MI5 by registered post in a consignment of sausages intended for German prisoners of war incarcerated in Scotland. Mucau resembled milk in almost every way, except that it tasted like cat urine soaked in methylated spirits, which is essentially what it was; however its tea-lightening properties were widely regarded as a huge boost to national morale during the Battle of Britain, when shortages of leaf tea forced manufacturers to use sawdust and rabbit droppings instead. The result, most people agreed, was undrinkable without the addition of Mucau.

SOCCER BLOW
Fans of Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC were left devastated last night after learning that former Manchester City and Liverpool striker Mario Balotelli, would not be joining the club after all. In an exclusive interview with HIP, Mario told us: “All they eat is the pies. All the time the pies. No ice cream, no spaghetti, no antipasto, just the pies. Also I wanted to play dressed as Batman, but they wouldn’t let me. They said the costume was too similar to the referee’s. When I suggested the ref could dress up as Robin, the manager fined me £500. The other players have no sense of humour. When I put a roman candle down defender Ron Balaclava’s shorts he cried like a girl.”

LETTERS
Mia Tryfell (Ms) of Wailing Trumpet writes to ask: why don’t so-called ‘smart’ motorways have dogging lanes?

Good question Mia. Whilst many might welcome the provision of lanes dedicated to this popular hobby, in my view it is far better to take the dog for a good long walk before embarking on a journey which necessitates the use of a smart motorway. A far better solution is to tell your satnav to avoid any roads beginning with M and allow plenty of time to visit one of the many lay-byes dotted around The UK’s traditional hedgerow-lined byeways, where your best friend can frolic and fraternise with other like-minded dogs.

DICTIONARY CORNER
Castanet (n) Spanish fisherman.
Rhubarb (v) (Australian) to regret having decided to cook outdoors.
Achoo (n) (onomatopoeic) one part of a bisected steam engine.

WIGS MIGHT FLY
Professor Thinktank’s latest brainwave- artificial dandruff flakes for toupée wearers -is being marketed worldwide by Japanese multinational Yadayada Industries. He calls his new invention Scrof, and I was shown this advance extract from the script of their $3,000,000 TV ad, which is to debut at the Superbowl:-

EXTERIOR DAY WINDY
We see an attractive young woman stroll by as a handsome man riding a motor scooter pulls alongside . As he removes his crash helmet, his toupée lifts momentarily and we glimpse her brief look of disappointment as she walks away. Undeterred, the man shakes his head and small white flakes begin to fall. She stops and looks at him with renewed interest. He makes the Scrof gesture, (a casual brush of the shoulder). She smiles and looks impressed as white flakes of ‘dandruff’ fall. Their eyes meet. She climbs on to his scooter and they ride off into the sunset.

DEEP-VOICED NARRATOR
Scrof By Yadayada – Your little white lie.

VERY RAPID DISCLAIMER VOICEOVER:
Scrof contains modified time release toupée flakes with Zeitgeist which is highly toxic to birds, racoons, insects, fish, nursing mothers and children. May not contain nuts.

The Professor has also been nominated for an award by UNESCO for his most recent innovative device, a perforated sou’wester for people in drought-prone countries. When it rains, the hat takes in water, which is then stored in the patent hat-tank where it can be used for making tea. The inventor has also been working on a definitive method of differentiating between molehills and mountains, following the recent case of a group of amateur mountaineers who were trapped for over a week on a molehill near Leeds. A spokesman for the team who are making a full recovery in Roundhay General Hospital thanked the professor for his invaluable work which he hoped “would eradicate this problem for good”. Group leader Cuthbert Antrobus praised the bravery and dedication of the Ribble Valley Molehill Rescue Unit, who winched the team from the snow-covered molehill by radio-controlled toy helicopter just as they were about to run out of tea.

MYSELF: That reminds me- it’s 11 o’clock, time for my tea and buscuits.
READER: Shouldn’t that be tea and biscuits?
MYSELF: No, I always buy buscuits, as they are much cheaper than biscuits.
READER: Cheaper? Why?
MYSELF: Because they are misspelt, I suppose.

Sausage Life!

Sausage Life!

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‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

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Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

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Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

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JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

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