SAUSAGE 345

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column that closes the gate even when there isn’t a gate

READER: Wasn’t it marvellous?
MYSELF: What?
READER: Artemis II…The astronauts who travelled to other side of the moon and back. Weren’t you impressed?
MYSELF:  What’s new? It was dark, just as I’ve always suspected.
READER: You’re so cynical, have you no sense of wonder?
MYSELF: Only in the sense that I wonder why anyone cares now that we know it’s not made of cheese.

TELEPATHETIC
The Clairvoyent duo Medium and Large are to return triumphantly to Upper Dicker Empire this month, having completed their sellout tour of West Hartlepool and Darlington lap dancing clubs. The prescient pair have asked me to inform fans that their recent telesales sensation, The Traffic Congestion Tarot App is predictably sold out but the online voucher offer of one free psychic interaction with Magic Mahmood their AI-assisted tea-leaf reading satnav remains valid until June 30th. Simply send a stamped, self-addressed envelope, enclosing your car’s registration and log book, your bank details and a complete cup of tea (not just the leaves) to Medium & Large Ltd, PO box 666, Luxembourg, and remain in the vehicle until help arrives.

MAY DIVORCE BE WITH YOU
Byche vs Byche, Upper Dicker Crown Court, Justice Hyphen-Hyphen presiding ….
Mrs Onya Byche of Lower Upper Dicker who sufferers from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, is seeking a divorce from her husband Derek, whom she accuses of mental cruelty. Eric Smorgasbord KC the solicitor acting for Mrs Byche, told the jury that on numerous occasions, having returned from her job as septic tank night-supervisor at the Upper Dicker sewage reclamation facility, she had opened the door to an apparently empty living room, only to discover that her husband, had superglued all the furniture to the ceiling, but in slightly different relative positions. 
After one similar incident, she looked up to find that her husband had glued the couple’s miniature Pomeranian poodle Ecoli, to the chesterfield sofa which was affixed upside down with two armchairs and an occasional table”. After gasps were heard from the jurors, he continued “Distraught, she ran to a neighbour who sent for the fire brigade who sped to the scene. Using an extending turntable ladder and powerful jets of water, they managed to dislodge the glued furniture, flooding the two upper floors and drowning the unfortunate  Ecoli in the process. As a result my client suffered anxiety attacks, which have caused her to experience severe psychotic episodes.”
After the unanimous guilty verdict His Worship Judge Hyphen-Hyphen had no hesitation in awarding Mrs Byche a decree absolute, and full costs.

NEITHER A BORROWER…
The lending library at Herstmonceux House, unlike the majority of public libraries around the UK which are actually being closed, is to be renovated at great expense by celebrated Aberdeen architects Arlfarle Doon. In a controversial change to the original plans, Herstmonceux House is to have all their talking books moved to a purpose-built soundproof section to prevent them from disturbing people reading the free newspapers.
Also promised is a full excavation of the library’s Victorian catacombs, where those with overdue books were once taken and chained to the wall, where they would receive a severe flogging from Andrew Pendulum, the notorious head librarian.  

…OR A LENDER BE
The recent story of Dylan Amlwg-Hiliol the Welsh taxi driver who was arrested after borrowing a lawn mower from a neighbour, then modifying the engine enabling it to power a small drone which he used to smuggle wet wipes into Wormwood Scrubs. This has reminded me of a similarly regrettable personal experience. I once lent my sewing machine to an acquaintance for “a quick trouser alteration job”. After about three months he returned the machine in a dreadful state, having used it to insulate his loft, completely rebore a tractor engine and drain a septic tank. It was never the same after that. 

HANGOVER BREAKTHROUGH
Could mayonnaise be the new Alo Vera?
As scientists  search for a solution to self-inflicted morning after trauma, Professor Gordon Thinktank, local inventor and wine buff, thinks he may be on the verge of a breakthrough.  During a fact-finding trip to the Norwegian city of Fosnavåg he observed that people who, before embarking on a collossal Scandinavian bender, had consumed Håakenhurr, a pungent local mayonnaise made with enzymes extracted from the testicles of Icelandic Herring which is then pickled in goat urine for two years, were totally headache and nausea-free the next morning. “Traditionally,” Thinktank told us, “the citizens of Fosnavåg celebrate the long dark evenings between Tuesday and Sunday by drinking enormous quantities of locally brewed fish-based vodka until they lose consciousness. Unlike their Swedish cousins, the Norwegian consumers of Håakenhurr, are rarely seen green-faced and vomiting into a hedge on the way to work the next morning.”

STUFFED
Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC met Taytos Cheese ‘n Onion League (west) champions Buggleskelly Beehives in an ill-fated trip to Ireland last Wednesday, where the 8-0 defeat ended their record Lil-Lets Cup run of one game.  Relaxing after the match in The Horse & Shellaille, Buggleskelly’s famous karaoke n’ wine bar, big-hearted Beehives’ manager Darragh Bigheart told us, “Football is a game of two halves, or in Pat Hennessy’s case, eleven pints. Let’s face it we gave the Warriors the old one-two, followed up rapidly by the old three-four, a system I have been developing with the lads since yesterday afternoon. After studying a tactical video analysis we saw that what the Warriors lacked was forward strength in their back four.
We exposed their lack of depth at the front by staying deep, whereas they stuck to a long ball strategy with midfield enforcer Craig Cattermole as a fake number nine. In the long ball game, the ball is played long, as opposed to the short ball game, where a shorter ball is used. We exploited this by playing all our short balls long, and increasing the length of our shorter balls. Their only quality player was Dutch defender Ruud van Smoot, but groin-kick specialist Liam Finnigan neutralised him by removing the top layer of skin on his shins. Football is a man’s game and let’s face it, some of these skirt-wearing foreign types are not averse to supping stout out of the wrong side of the glass.”
The big-hearted gealic supremo was later strechered off after a fan accidentally trod on his hand.

DICK SONAR E-CORNER
Coypu (n) Shy defecation 

Sausage life!