The column which believes that in the country of the bland, the one-idea’d man is king
READER: Did you see the amazing photo of the black hole?
MYSELF: I saw it. A very good likeness.
READER: Oh come on, don’t pretend you’re not impressed. This thing is bigger then our entire solar system!
MYSELF: You don’t say. And how big is that?
READER: Nobody likes a smart-arse mister. It’s very big, that’s all I know.
MYSELF: I would keep that to yourself if I were you.
Police were called to the town centre after witnesses reported a “busk-off” in the pedestrian underpass. Roger Mildew, a Hastings guitarist who regularly entertains tourists and shoppers walking to and from the town centre, turned up at his regular pitch outside Poundstrechers to find it occupied by Reuben Squidly, an accordionist from Upper Dicker, who was serenading passers by with Streets of London. After Mildew’s polite request that Squidly move to another location was ignored, he took out his instrument, stood directly in front of the accordionist, and began playing a spirited version of The Kinks’ hit Waterloo Sunset in an unrelated key. Squidly immediately increased the thrust of his bellows and tried to drown the guitarist out with sheer volume. Frightened passers-by, alarmed by the cacophony, telephoned the police. Five vans containing riot equipment and water cannon were dispatched to the scene, by which time a large crowd had gathered. The situation deteriorated considerably when a gaggle of Morrismen on a pub crawl entered the tunnel and began dancing. Hastings chief of police Hydra Gorgon told us; “The Morris dancers, fuelled by alcohol and a weird sense of entitlement, actively ramped up the affray, whilst at the same time preventing my officers from going about their lawful duty. When asked via megaphone to leave the crime scene they became violent, and were soon encouraging the crowd to sing The Wild Rover using seized police truncheons to punctuate the chorus, which, being a waltz, clashed wildly with the two other songs”
“Unfortunately” she continued, “in the ensuing chaos, the two buskers escaped. Photofits have been posted on social media, and members of the public have been asked to remain vigilant, but under no circumstances approach the men, particularly Mr. Squidly who is believed to be carrying a loaded accordion and is not afraid to use it.”
CROSSWORD GENIUS COMPLETES CROSSWORD
Self-styled crossword genius Howard Canard (39) of Little Pilchinghurst, has completed MENSA magazine‘s notoriously arduous Very Difficult Cryptic Crossword. His mother, Daisy, a retired glove restorer, told us: “This is a proud moment. Howard has been doing crosswords ever since we discovered he was a child prodigy, but up until now has never managed to finish one. I did question a couple of the answers, but he assures me that words such as Spillboony and Quagtable are genuine. Howard’s always been very brainy, so I’m sure they are”.
“This is one of the hardest crosswords there is,” Howard told us, “and my only regret is that I didn’t finish it before the competition entry deadline of March 14th 2019, or I may have qualified for the first prize of a MENSA ball-point pen and tie-clip”.
Upper Dicker Parthenon May3rd – 27th
May’s standout event was without a doubt Baked Potatoes – The Musical. This vibrant, exhilarating piece of work by former comedy duo Hugh Smoulder & Ray Burns was the high spot of The Upper Dicker Dramatic Society’s bold spring programme. Patrons were observed humming joyously as they left the theatre, and no wonder, with such memorable songs as Leave Mine In A Little Longer, I Like My Cream Sour, and Why Don’t We Do It In The Microwave?
SOCCER SCARS: Hastings & St.Leonards Warriors’ new artificial pitch gave serious cause for concern during last Saturday’s 8-1 thrashing by Herstmonceux Cannibals when several Warriors players were engulfed in flames performing the knee skid goal celebration. Midfield dynamo Craig Cattermole had to be airlifted to hospital with third degree carpet burns.
NET FLACK: During an unseasonal May heatwave, controversial ladies netball team Ticehurst Tittilators were charged with looting and causing an affray, after what police described as “a performance enhanced riot” in Ticehurst town centre.
DENTAL SCIENCE BREAKTHROUGH
“Rinse Out For Jesus!” was the advertising slogan on everyone’s lips, as Hastings inventor Professor Gordon Thinktank unveiled his new frankincense flavoured holy water -based mouthwash, Genuflex. Despite the fact that the Advertising Standards Authority later forced him to remove the claim that the product was “miraculous,” and could regenerate lost teeth, it has been a runaway sensation. Other recent Thinktank innovations such as airbags for pedestrians who are prone to falling over, and a nuclear powered blender, have proved cosiderably less successful.
Hastings’ first drive-in psychoanalytic service, Wind Your Window Down And Tell Me About Your Mother, began its advertising campaign last week, provoking a predictable twitterstorm. The following piece of contentious copywriting is what caused all the fuss:
Does your psyche resemble a canal full of rusty bicycle frames and dead cats? Do you worry about not being paranoid enough? Do people think you have a Bluetooth headset when you are actually talking to yourself?
Over 300 irate owners of Bluetooth headsets gathered outside the town hall to demonstrate, some of them carrying rusty bicycles and dead cats, which they hurled at Hastings’ Lord Mayor Derek Windfarm who had appeared on a balcony in a bid to calm the situation down.
A spokesman for the militant Association of Rabid Social Entropy (ARSE), told our reporter: “Bluetooth headsets may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but lumping them together with dead cats and abandoned bicycles is, frankly, very unhelpful. ARSE would also like to take this opportunity to point out that not all canals are the filthy repositories of society’s detritus.”
Colin Gibson • Emmet Ives • Anita Makris
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By Colin Gibson
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