SAUSAGE LIFE 234

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which thinks taxidermy is the new tattooing

READER: I’m having a tattoo myself as it happens
MYSELF: Where?
READER: Where else? At SailorBwear, the coolest tattoo parlour in town.
MYSELF: No, I meant where on your body?
READER: Oh, erm…….I haven’t decided yet. Somewhere discreet, where no-one would normally look.
MYSELF: Your face?
READER: I’ll pretend I never read that.
MYSELF: I’ll pretend I never wrote it.

HOLIDAY BOOK REVIEW
The Cunning Mandolin by Rob Dulle (Lustgareten & Timewarp, £17.99)

The much-published novelist and poet in residence at Sunderland University’s Raglan College has a high reputation to live up to. This, his latest opus will be warmly received by his fans as a welcome return to form, following his detour into magical realism and Arthurian fantasy in the 2018 deckchair blockbuster Pearls on a Random Brooch.
The Cunning Mandolin is a typical Dulle novel. All the familiar tropes are here, from the curious stammer-afflicted cocktail waitress with a grudge against Jehovah’s Witnesses to the Philippino pool cleaner suspected of money laundering and poultry bleaching. Chapter one begins with all guns blazing as police discover a body, gagged and bound and hidden in the septic tank of a high court judge who recently convicted a famous ventriloquist on charges of putting libellous words into other people’s mouths. Private investigator Cornelius Pith is tipped off by a stoolpigeon, and the next three chapters concern a wild goose chase involving herring forgery, a plot to invade Albania by parachute and a pair of Scandinavian pub quiz cheats.
Verdict: Well worth getting to the sun beds before the Germans for this one.

MUSIC GOSSIP
Don’t say I told you, but my music business spies tell me that the rumours are flying that Hastings is to be blessed by a visit from 50s sensations The New Original Senior Moments, featuring members of the original Senior Moments’ road crew’s families. Watch this space.

POETRY NOW
CHRISTIANITY HO! By Crispian Milquetoast
If Constantine had used his loaf
and not been such a Roman oaf
we’d all be worshipping the gods
of this and that and odds and sods
Instead of which our failure
to worship bacchanalia
and all the other worthwhile things 
like blokes who float on feet with wings
has saddled us with Mono God
who whacks us with his steely rod
and works in his mysterious ways
with half-day closing Wednesdays

FOOTBALL KICKOFF
According to recently appointed director of football Sir Leonard Pastry (QC, AA, RAC, Init), Hastings & St.Leonards Warriors FC are looking forward to the start of the 2022/23 football season under the dynamic stewardship of Pink Panther Entertainment Group, an internationally established company with its finger inserted in many pies. “We have great plans for the club,” Sir Leonard explained over gourmet pan fried fish finger and oven-baked beans in the newly decorated pink clubhouse now renamed The Chillpit “for example, my wife, Lady Pamela Pastry, who is a keen self-publicist, will be marketing her range of upmarket nail polish, in several shades of pink, with the club’s new logo, a pink panther with two faces embossed on the pyramid-shaped bottle, with its distinctive staring-eye cap”. Critics have pointed out that the last sport-related endeavour undertaken by the multinational conglomerate, The Pink Panther Crazy Golf Charity Celebrity Tee-off fell flat on its face when the only “celebrities” who turned up were in fact none other than Sir Leonard himself and his chauffeur Frank “Lardy” Goosefat, a former Crazy Golf professional. There have been reports on the football front meanwhile, of unrest amongst the playing staff concerning the new pink strip. Welsh wizard Craig Cattermole told us: “Where I come from, men are men, and have well-modulated baritone voices. Since I moved to the Warriors from crack South Wales club Caerphilly Sentimentalists, I have naturally become more urbane and sophisticated, and will occasionally eat quiche, but I draw the line at wearing pink.” Goalkeeper Tim Smegma was more pragmatic, adding: “As a goalie, I get to wear a different coloured shirt from the rest of the team, so I’m not really all that bothered. However I do refuse to eat quiche on a matter of principle.”

STOCK PRICES
Domestic Molecule down 3, 48
Argumentative Calliope Shortfunds down 5, 57
Marigold Mustard Futures down 44, 12
Moose Derivatives up 37, 85
Ham Stallions up 42, 77
Rumplestiltskin Clown-Shoe Trade-offs down 6, 2

Advertising Feature
THE INTERNATIONAL TRAVELLING EXHIBITION OF SCISSORS
Hastings Kitchen Museum 27th July – 3rd August
From delicate Victorian chicken pruning scissors to the mighty shears which applied complex topiary to Hampton Court, one of the largest mazes in existence. Tiny Ming Dynasty nail scissors belonging to the empress of China inlaid with ivory cut from the tusks of the imperial elephant, rub shoulders with the very shears which cut off Elvis’ famous quiff back in ’58. I urge all scissor fans to attend this compulsively interesting show, if only to gargle with helpless moronic laughter at the ornate eyebrow scissors of Louis IVX, or gasp in amazement at the Green Monkey scissors carried by Georgean explorer Rumsfeld Barbican during his early journeys into the Mongolian interior. All in all, if you are fascinated by the world of scissors, a visit to The Hastings Kitchen Museum is essential.

Sausage Life!

Colin Gibson • Emmet Ives • Anita Makris



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