The column which puts all its eggs in one basket, then leaves them on the bus
READER: You look a bit cheesed off, what’s up?
MYSELF: Cheesed off? So would you be after a year-long spat with the council’s Department of Sinks & Drains. Having wasted my precious time writing countless letters trying to find out exactly who is responsible for my bathroom’s malfunctioning U-Bend, I received this unexpected letter in yesterday’s post:
Dear Mr. Guano,
this is to inform you that as from 31st January 2023, the department hitherto known as the Department of Sinks & Drains will officially amalgamate with the department formerly known as The Road Traffic & Illegal Parking Department. Henceforth, all present employees of the former departments will be joint employees of the amalgamated department, which will be known as The Department of Road Traffic, Sinks, Illegal Parking & Drains.
From the 31st, any sink or drain not conforming to the new departmental standards will be towed away. Similarly, every car, omnibus or horse drawn vehicle will be subject to stringent water-tightness regulations based on cubic capacity. Taxicabs, buses, bicycles and sit-on lawnmowers will be exempt. All sinks using the public highway will have to display warning beacons and travel on the pavement.
READER: Good grief
MYSELF: Wait for it…. Drains, standpipes and sewerage conduits will have the same rights as tractors and articulated lorries, except where they can be shown to be a danger to pedestrians. Skateboards, cycles (including unicycles but excluding tricycles) and wheeled furniture are required to be fitted with a plughole and an approved plug on a chain. Swimming pools of more than 10 metres in length shall flash full beam headlights and sound the horn on sharp bends or blind corners. All motor vehicles over 2000cc shall be equipped with Olympic standard diving boards and have a lifeguard on duty during school holidays.
Bathtubs, shower units, sprinkler systems, bidets, commodes, jacuzzis and saunas may park free of charge in the town centre, provided a badge is displayed.
I hope this has been of some assistance.
R.Mutt, Assistant Chief Consultancy Liaison Officer, Amalgamationary Tactical Thinktank Focus Group, Rasputin House, Cockmarlin
READER: What’s their position on mobility scooters?
MYSELF: They will have to be fitted with hot and cold taps, and an approved overflow facility.
DON’T SHOOT ‘TIL YOU SEE THE WHITES OF THEIR EGGS!
Le Gaz Moutarde, a First World War-themed “pop-up” restaurant, is to open in the catacombs underneath The Church Of St Vlad The Impaler on the outskirts of Herstmonceaux. It will feature barbed wire, simulated landmines and trenches filled with real mud. Although still under construction and swathed in secrecy, I managed to tunnel in and photograph this prototype menu with my miniature spy-camera.
LE GAZ MOUTARDE
Closed Monday, Friday, Wednesday Saturday & Thursday.
Motorcyclists are requested to remove crash helmets whilst dining. Bloodless black pudding can be provided on request for Jehovah’s Witnesses (24hrs notice required). Erotic sausages will be served free of charge on Canadian bank holidays.
(après mois, le déluge)
Hand grenade-seared sirloin of beef in a pungent mud sauce served with pied de tranchée and a sizzling sidecar of vomir de la merde.
(for four persons 24 hours notice required)
Fermented rat kidney in goat urine.
Served with bomb bay potatoes, special fried rice (rice with species) or fecal fried rice (rice with feces).
There is also a small a la carte non-WW1 pirate selection
(suitable for pescatarians)
Pieces of Eight
Nabob of curried seagull beak with cured turtle eggs and maggot-stuffed grape pips, served on a plank with ship’s biscuits,
roast bacilli of scurvy and 30 lashes.
Virtual prunes & custard, with VR headset
Germ warfare cheesecake
A spokesman for the proprietor told us confidently that “Everything is going to plan” and that Le Gaz Moutarde will be “all open by Christmas”
POLICE CALLED TO COMB SCARE
Armed officers attended a violent affray involving two bald men at an Upper Dicker town centre bar last Friday.
According to witnesses the two bald men were overheard engaging in a heated argument in the back bar of the Blighted Potato, a pub known as a hotbed of political debate. The cause of the dispute became clear after armed officers stormed the building and swiftly brought the situation under control. As is so often the case in confrontations of this type involving bald men, a comb was brandished, which was subsequently alleged to have been the catalyst for the argument. Gloved detectives arrived at the scene and took away the six-inch plastic implement which, further to laboratory analysis, was sealed in a plastic bag and locked up in the evidence room. At the scene, East Sussex police chief Hydra Gorgon described the affray as “A storm in a B-Cup, frankly”. In a later statement to the press, she appealed to all members of the public who may have attended the Blighted Potato on the evening in question to come forward, adding, “even those of you who actually stayed at home that night but would quite fancy coming to court and just making stuff up.”
YOU MUST BE WOKING
Are YOU unpopular? Are you fed up with being labelled a Non-Lol? Next time you go out, why not try one of these PC-guaranteed jokes, which incorporate the very latest post-ironic modernism for the new zeitgeist?
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are shipwrecked on a desert island, with no food, water or shelter. After three days, the Irishman comes running up to the others with a filthy Arabian brass lamp he has discovered washed up on the shore. Excited, the three men rip off their improvised loincloths and begin frantically polishing the lamp but apart from producing dazzling shine, nothing happens. Within a week all three are dead from malnutricion.
Joke 2, a riddle.
Q: How many unicorns does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is absolutely no evidence for the existence of the unicorn and even if there was, its cloven hooves and lack of an apposite thumb would make it extremely difficult to even pick up a light bulb, let alone change it.
A lion walks into a crowded bar and orders five large scotches and three pints of beer. In the ensuing panic, several customers are fatally trampled. The lion downs all the drinks, leaps over the bar, tears the barman to pieces and eats him. Despite being drunk, the lion somehow manages to win £50 off two regulars in a pool game before being fatally wounded by police marksmen.
La vie saucisson!
SAY GOODBYE TO IRONING MISERY!
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MAY CAUSE SMILEY FACE T-SHIRTS TO LOOK
by The Hunt Cult. Click for video
“Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn’t do anything”
By Colin Gibson
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