SAUSAGE LIFE 262

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which makes its own bed then persuades someone else to lie in it

READER: Just remind me, you still don’t believe in astrology do you?
MYSELF: Absolutely correct. Along with fairies, God and David Icke.
READER: So you probably haven’t heard about the sad passing of Mystic Meg, the all-seeing Sun psychic who failed to predict the demise of the News of the World?
MYSELF: My scepticism has so far not affected the output of my radio, nor the avalanche of garbage coming out of social media, so I have indeed heard the devastating news. But of course it can’t have come as a surprise to her.
READER: That, if I may say so, is a typical reaction. You’re a Virgo if I’m not mistaken and prone to mistrust, joylessness and despondency?
MYSELF: As a Saggitarius with Spleen rising, I refute your accusation. So much so that I have commissioned Her Mysticness to write the astrological predictions for the next Sausage Life, from beyond the grave.
READER: Don’t be ridiculous
MYSELF: I won’t if you won’t.

CRICKET NEWS: WOOMERA THRASHING “MORAL VICTORY FOR ENGLAND” CLAIMS BASMATI

The shock innings and 300 runs defeat during the Australian tour by Woomera Consolidated Insurance under 17s XI, was described by England captain Wally Boomerang as “a moral victory” for the national team. Later, during the traditional Woomera Cricket Club Dinner and Drinking Competition where he was giving a speech, he set out the reasons why: 
“It was like a battlefield out there. The Woomera bowlers threw the ball really hard, making it difficult for our batsmen to hit. Sidebottom (H) got one on the arm at one point, which stung quite badly. The dressing rooms were damp, which made our pads heavier, also the benches near the boundary had been recently painted which made some of the lads feel a bit sick, especially after the over-chilled lager they gave us at tea, instead of tea. Our wicket keeper Taki Wakajawaka got an ice cream headache and missed several easy catches as a result”

SWISH SWOOSH

“The bats were narrower than we are used to in England, and some of their players deliberately stood in places where they could catch the ball when we did manage to hit it. The Woomera first slip, Bruce Wallagooner made personal remarks to our batsmen which cannot be repeated in a family paper, but I would like to reassure fans by putting the record straight. None of the lads is openly gay, or would do anything inappropriate with any kind of marsupial, let alone the one specified by Wallagooner.”

MATTER OF PRIDE

“Many people have questioned my decision to declare at 19 for 7 on the first day, but for us it was a matter of pride. I shall be handing in my written report to the Aussie Cricket Board tomorrow, when I fully expect the result to be awarded to us on moral grounds.”

WAR IN A BILLABONG
Team Manager Dave Barraboise added: “Some of their bowling would have been more at home in the muddy trenches of Ypres, or the heartless arenas of Ancient Rome quite frankly. The Woomera fast bowler Bruce Hogmanay kept a live budgerigar in his pants, and would terrorise our batsmen by pulling it out and pretending to bite its head off.  As for our sluggish performance, it is worth noting that despite the 90 degree temperatures, the Woomera players presented us with thermal underwear at their welcoming ceremony the day before, and some of the lads felt compelled to wear it out of politeness. That’s why Stokes kept fainting.”