SAUSAGE Life 268

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column that says to hell with coputers, we’re sticking to our tursty old tyrepirter

READER:  Have you seen Titanic II yet?
MYSELF:   Unless someone took me during the night when I was asleep, no.
READER: Well you really must see it!
MYSELF:   Oh. Really? Must I?
READER:   Yes! Its brilliant! But if I was you I’d take a packet of tissues.
MYSELF:    Ah, now it’s beginning to sound like my type of film.
READER:   Oh dear. Sometimes words fail me.
MYSELF:    Sometimes?

RECORD OF THE MONTH
Help Me Out I’m Down To My Last Million by Rick Wokeman
All your favourite fragments of music played on a CFX99229 handcrafted bamboo piano supplied by Hoyahama of Japan with ivory keys made from the tusks of sustainably harvested free-range African elephants. Rick, composer of the legendary Ice Skating On Ice and author of My One Hundred Favourite Fishing Lures proves that he isn’t quite ready to pop his rock ‘n roll clogs with this stomping 200-track release on vinyl, CD cassette and chromatically-enhanced AI hologram showcasing a personal selection of well-loved classics, scientifically reduced to their smallest atomic size. Download these tracks: Dvorak’s Humoresque (bars 28-32), The hummable bit from Rites of Spring (11 sec), 4’33” by John Cage (digitally remastered 15 sec mono edit), Hey Big Spender (chorus only, with guest appearance by Shirley Bassey).

THERE’S A GULL IN MY SOUP
Hastings’ most eminent inventor, Professor Gordon Thinktank, has come up with a brilliant solution to the escalating herring gull problem. Hot on the tail of his innovative NoShit seagull diapers, the Patent Office is currently considering an application for The Foodflap, a decoy litterbin designed to entrap the always-hungry seabirds. The invention is based on the council’s classic litter bin designed by local artist Bandy Sponk known as Birdfeeder, which has successfully sustained the local gull population over many years. Thinktank’s version will appear perfectly normal, that is to say overflowing with pizza boxes, half-eaten cheeseburgers, and mouldy chicken remains and surrounded by old mattresses and prams. Once the bird is inside, the lid slams shut, and the only way out is via a tunnel which terminates at Brighton.

TROPHY ATROPHY
Hastings & St Leonards Warriors 0 – Chiddingly Pharaohs 8
Hastings & St Leonards Warriors have suffered another embarrassing first round Lillettes Cup exit, this time inflicted on them by lowly Chiddingly Pharaohs, 200 places below them in the Bob’s Corner Shop ‘n Nail Bar League (south). Warriors’ Irish manager Alabaster Tipperary was visibly upset as he spoke to us, post-match, in the back room of The Tortured Soul, the S&M bar owned by the club’s Russian-born proprietor, Oliver Gark. “We was robbed,” he told us, “and I have lodged an official objection with the FA. Apart from the fact that all eight goals were clearly offside, the lads were inhibited by The Pharaohs’ pink away strip with black lace edging, an outfit so garish that some of the lads had to wear blindfolds. Even fearsome central defender Nobby Balaclava was repelled enough to prevent him from getting close enough to demonstrate his legendary vicious but fair studs-up sliding ankle-bender”.
“On top of that” he continued, “we had groin-kick specialist Ruud Van Smoot sidelined with a broken jockstrap, and we are still waiting for the medical team’s verdict on Bert ‘Pinocchio’ Lampwick whose girlfriend’s father’s attempt to castrate him the night before the game was fortunately thwarted in the nick of time.”

A BEFORE B EXCEPT AFTER C
Donald Trump and I are old friends, and he recently sought my advice about indexing the 300 kilos of vinyl records he has ordered for the ‘Trumpus Room’ in the replica White House he is having built at his 2024 presidential campaign headquarters in Miami. Donald is nothing if not his own man, and when I suggested that the alphabetical method was far superior to indexing by genre, this is what he replied:
“The alphabet? Tremendously bigly overrated.
Over.
Rated.
A is always first. Why? What’s so great about A? Step up to the front Z. Valuable letter Z. Can only go up in price. Can you guess what A is currently worth? Nothing folks. Practically nothing. A? Totally overrated letter. Mort Hitler, who will be my secretary of defence after I have won in ‘24, tells me the letter Zee is worth a hell of a lot in Scrabble. (I don’t have time for Scrabble by the way. In case you hadn’t noticed, I own several golf courses). Whatever…. Melania loves it. (The letter Zee, not Scrabble)… Smart lady.”
@donaldjtrump

ROYAL VISIT
King Sparky Hullabalulu II, Mighty Grand Wizard and Supreme Potentate of the Principality of Pomegrania, arrived in Upper Dicker recently on an official state visit, arranged to coincide with the coronation of HRH Charles Windsor and to mark the towns’ twinning with Utterfrack, Pomegrania’s capital city. At a special ceremony, Lord Mayor Derek Windfarm presented King Sparky with a Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC away strip (pink polka dots on imperial purple with green satin shorts), a Warrior Park Soccerdrome season ticket (restricted view), and a black commemorative sash celebrating last year’s Alistair Crowley Day. Thanking His Highness, the mayor gratefully accepted in return the King’s gifts of a two live ostriches, a solar-powered electric blanket and a diamond studded Mickey Mouse watch.

Sausage Life!

Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

https://vimeo.com/user129836501https://vimeo.com/user129836501

JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

https://vimeo.com/user129836501

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