SAUSAGE LIFE 288

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which cuts of its nose to spite its face and then can’t smell the coffee

READER: Are you enjoying the fireworks?
MYSELF: Pardon?
READER: I said…(Bang!) ARE – YOU – ENJOYING – THE (Whoosh.. BANG!) fireworks?
MYSELF: sorry I didn’t (Woof woof woof. wooof. WOOF WOOF, woof!) quite get that. Did you say “am I joining the (Boom! Phweee!) fire service”?
READER: What did you say? (BOOM!)
MYSELF: Ah, that’s better, I think they’ve finished…(Screeeeeeam! Whoosh!…. FUCKING ENORMOUS EXPLOSION)
ALL THE DOGS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD: Woofwoof woofwoof woof!
READER: Nope, sorry, didn’t get any of that.

BOOM BANG-A-BANG

Yes, that’s how it goes during the East Sussex Pyromania-obessed  “Bonfire Season”, which lasts approximately from October 1st to New Year’s Eve. Every night between those two dates, it celebrates Guy Fawkes’ unsuccessful 1605 parliamentary coup with sound and fury signifying nothing (nothing, that is, unless you are a dog or a cat or a wild animal, when you will be under the impression that the world is about to end).
Rishi Sunak, the rich man’s Guy Fawkes, will be gone by summer, but sadly for the animal kingdom and anyone annoyed by antisocial overgrown schoolboys, fireworks will prevail.

DICTIONARY CORNER
Transparent (n) When your mum is your dad
Sorcery(adj) tending towards being disc-shaped

ABBATTOIR PLANS ON SHOW
Herstmonceaux landmark set to be Europe’s biggest cow processing plant

Shame-faced councillers were forced to admit today that the 16th century Church of the  Holy Trinity, one of Herstmonceaux’s most famous landmarks, is to become a cow processing factory. A spokesman for Ahamay Meat (Huddersfield) Ltd, issued the following statement; 
   “Yes, we have been granted change of use permission by Herstmonceaux Borough Council on the premises known as The Church of the Holy Trinity. Unfortunately, during the recent unwanted publicity surrounding this decision, the word abbattoir appears to have achieved undue prominence. I would like to put the record straight and the public’s mind at rest regarding this important developement. To put it simply, cows will file in through the main entrance on the High Street, and delicious sausages, pies and meat-related products will emerge on the seafront via the lower entrance, presently a gift shop. Traffic will be diverted via Cockmarlin Road.”
BROUHAHAHA
Donald McRonald, the councillor in charge of Culture and Waste Disposal for the Herstmonceaux area had this to say this morning:
“As usual, an unholy brouhaha has been whipped up by the local gutter press, which is one of the reasons we never told them about it in the first place. This far-reaching and brave decision by Herstmonceaux Borough Council will not only provide local employment opportunities (of particular interest to those with a penchant for chopping up cows into bite-size pieces), but will also properly utilise a splendid old building whose slaughterhouse potential has for too long been ignored. Let us hope that this, along with the proposed 30ft electric fence which will eventually surround the area, will satisfy the whinging conservationists once and for all.” 
LIBELLOUS
Reading from a prepared statement he added; “I would also like to take this opportunity to scotch certain scurrilous rumours which have recently been brought to my attention viz a viz the matter of the proposed redevelopement of the Church of the Holy Trinity site:
  1.  The fact that I am a non-executive director of Ahamay Meat (Huddersfield) Ltd, had absolutely no bearing on the council’s final decision, which was taken at a properly convened council meeting on my yacht during an official fact-finding mission to Saint Tropez.
  2.  Much has been said about the alleged decline in the quality of cultural events taking place at The Church of the Holy Trinity recently. I am referring particularly to the appearance last month of Mr Rolf Hilter, the disgraced Bavarian professor whose claims that World Wars I and II ‘never happened’ have shocked many right thinking people, as well as myself. As councillor in charge of culture I take full responsibility for Mr Hilter’s shameful rantings. The buck stops here, and the person responsible, which wasn’t me, has been sacked. The situation arose through a simple misunderstanding between my secretary Ms Lulu LaVerne and the booking agent Mr Lou Mogulstein, who represents both Mr Hilter and Mr Jim Davison, the respected comedien who was supposed to have appeared that night. With reference to Mr Davison’s non-appearance, the fact that only three members of the audience noticed is neither here nor there.”
Donald McRonald is 52 and collects bouys.

UPPER DICKER INTERNATIONAL TRIANGLE COMPETITION Jan3rd-6th
Now in its fifth year, the three day event sponsored by J.Pearson & Co (revered manufacturers of fine triangles since 1888), took place at Upper Dicker’s magnificent Custardrome, attracting triangle fans from all corners of the globe. The opening heat was an exciting example of what this competition means to the town, as two giants of the triangling circuit clashed in what has been dubbed Trianglageddon. Local trianglist Mimsie Borogrove wowed the audience with a controversial arrangement of Eric Saté’s Fanfare for a Hat Run Over by a Steamroller the climax of which requires three cannons, a dairy cow and a forty gallon drum containing toxic industrial waste.
Not to be outdone, North Korea’s eight-year-old child prodigy Wan Ping Tong performed a complex and dense rendering of Calamari’s three-triangle opus Tre Lati Sono Meglio di Uno, in which she demonstrated the difficult technique known as forte ma non penetrante. The audience, temporarily stunned into silence by Wan Ping Tong’s sheer virtuosity suddenly rose to its feet and burst into wild applause as 500 members of the Korean secret police motorcycle formation team, all playing tiny soprano triangles, roared on to the stage to reprise the earlier, deceptively plaintive D minor scherzo, a triumphant demonstration of dramatic, percussive intensity.