SAUSAGE LIFE 289

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which is experiencing an unusually high volume of calls

READER: Happy new year!

MYSELF: Did you manage to destroy all your Christmas cards and decorations by January 6th?

READER: I shredded everything and then had it all incinerated for good measure, you can’t be too careful. Now I can’t wait for Burns Night!

MYSELF: You mean bonfire night? I think you’ll find that was on November 5^th unless you live in East Sussex, when it was between October 6th and January 1st

READER: I said Burns Night, not burns night. Note the capitals. Haven’t you noticed my kilt and sporran? It’s the McReader tartan in case you were wondering.

MYSELF: As a matter of fact I was wondering why you were got up like a golfing drag act. Ah, Burns night, I see! It’s like St Paddy’s Day, when we’re all persuaded to become temporarily Oirish so we are, only this time we have to pretend to like the greetings card poetry of Mr Robert Burns the famous scotch whiskey influencer, and that inedible bag of oats n’ offal known as….

READER: Macdonalds!

MYSELF: No!…Haggis ye glaikit bawbag. Altho’ just like the Big McYin, ye have to be steamin’ blootered oot yer nut tae eat it wi’oot bowfin’.

READER: Why are you talking like this?

MYSELF: I’m practicing my Caledonian accent, so I can insult policemen during Burns Night without them noticing.

READER: Why policemen?

MYSELF: Who else is going to arrest me for being drunker than a herd of skunks at a Dolce and Gabbana convention?

READER: Aye the gift the giftie gi’ us

MYSELF: Lang may yer lum reek

I”D LIKE TO THANK…..

With all the top awards up for grabs, our movie critic Tanya Croquet-Lorne has thrown together a few of her predictions for 2024.

Best Picture:
When The Crocodiles Laugh The Elephants Cry (Lucasfilms Dir: Kevin Von Stroheim)
Starring Hugh Furst as the confidence trickster behind Ponzicon the billion dollar international pyramid scam, it tells how in 2020 Furst, using only a webcam and a laptop, persuaded millions of gullible investors to invest in Schitcoin, the so-called miracle currency. When IRS fraud investigators finally tracked him down to an Idaho potato farm they discovered that what he had described to his investors as an ultra secure cache of Schitcoin turned out to be an abandoned New Jersey vegetable warehouse containing 10,000 sacks of out of date Brussels sprouts.

Best makeup & hair styling:
Winford Garibaldi for Stink or Swim CH4/Balaclava productions (dir: Rick Ferrarri). The story of the 1988 sewage disposal scandal

Best documentary
I’m Getting Molten Tarmac, Loganberries and a Hot Flush Hyperfilms (dir: Carlton Misanthrope)

A fascinating insight into the world of vin extraordinaire, in which experts from around the globe savour  a £4,000 bottle of wine that spent a year under the Antarctic in a Russian nuclear submarine  – and reveal what it tastes like.

LEGAL TERRORISM
A good while ago (Sausage Life no. 257 to be exact), we published an interview with “the most dangerous far out sexed-up dude in classical stringdom, Nigel Kennedrix”. The interview, entitled The Boy with the Something About Mary Hair, provoked little controversy at the time and although Mr Kennedrix was his usual controversial self, we felt that despite a couple of lapses in taste, it all went relatively smoothly. Imagine our surprise then, when almost eighteen months after the event, we received the following letter from Mr. Kennedrix’s solicitor, the very eminent Mr. Ron Stigma:

GILT STIGMA & TABOO
SOLICITORS AND STUFF
301 The Chambers, Gas St, Carlisle

Dear Mr.Guano,
As legal representatives of Mr. Nigel Kennedrix, referred to in your article as The Boy with the Something about Mary Hair, we take grave exception to certain lewd and defamatory comments made in an email passed on to us by a Mr. Victor who appears to have some connection with the publication carrying your column.

It behoves me to inform you that our client Mr. Kennedrix’s hair is a registered trademark, and as such is protected from ridicule in paragraph 5a of the EU Artiste’s Hair Act of 2003, 2004 & 2005. Any sarcastic references to it are thereafter deemed a criminal offence and as such any further comment by you or your relatives, or by any person or persons, ventriloquists or talking animals such as budgerigars, parrots and certain members of the crow family, or human voices created by artificial intelligence or by a supreme omnipotent being, will be subject to quasi ipso loquires  and furthermore proctor ad solarium pantaloon. As a precedent, I would refer you to Menhuin vs Smethwick’s Meat Pies & Pasties Ltd, (Leeds Assizes 2003), whilst respectfully requesting that you shut up or else.

R. Stigma KC
Gilt, Stigma & Taboo

PS: I dictated this with my wig on.

LETTERS
Dear Bird Guano,
We think that the BBC should stop wasting money dramatising enormous books which no one has read, even though they claim they have.
Warren Pierce,
Gulliver Stravilles,
Moe B. Dick

Advertising feature
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CARRY ON AT YOUR INCONVENIENCE
The Inconvenience Store, Elon Musk’s attempt to break into the retail market has arrived in Upper Dicker, causing ripples in the high street. An excited crowd gathered outside the shop as Hastings’ Lord Mayor The Right Hon Derek Windfarm cut the ribbon and handed the keys to franchisees Lola and Colin Rum-Baba. The Inconvenience Store will be closed Monday to Saturday all day and in the evenings. Opening times are Sundays from 4 to 4-30am

Sausage Life!