SAUSAGE Life 305

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column that glows in the dark – even when the light’s on

READER: What time do you call this?

MYSELF: What do you mean?

READER: You’re late, where on earth have you been?

MYSELF: I’m not really supposed to tell you, but let’s just say but I’ve been away on Government business

READER: You? Government business? What sort of business?

MYSELF: Government business. I’ve been put in charge of conspiracy theories

READER: Excellent! It’s about time someone put a stop to this sort of moronic drivel. There’s far too much misinformation flying around, usually claiming to be from qualified people. For instance I saw a doctor on YouTube the other day, telling everyone that Russell Brand was a wise old sage with a finely-tuned grasp of the spiritual/human condition, instead of a pretentious arsehole who’s swallowed a thesaurus and written a book called My Cocky-Wok. That ‘doctor’ turned out to be a window cleaner from Scarborough by the way.

MYSELF: I had absolutely no idea Russel wrote Chinese cookery books! In any case, my job is to start these theories, not stop them, and then to do everything possible afterwards to make sure they go viral.

READER: Wait a minute! Are you having me on?

MYSELF: That’s for you to decide.

ONE DOOR CLOSES ANOTHER ONE MYSTERIOUSLY OPENS
2024 Paranormal Olympics begins
Team UK’s paranormal athletes made a huge impression during the opening ceremony of the Paris 2024 Paranormal Games, proudly displaying their strengths in the Downhill Ouijaboarding, Synchronised Mindreading and the Ladies 1,000 Metres Coxless Tarot.
Mystic Dorothy and Malcolm our brightest hope in the telekinetic blindfold darts pairs, drew wild applause as they recreated William Tell’s famous apple-on-the-head story on a giant tableaux towed by a Billy Smart’s Circus lorry. The heaving crowd – some of whom had camped out all night in the rain on the Champs-Élysées were mesmerised as the spectacular parade featuring spooky apparitions and barrels of fiery ectoplasm finally drew to its close.
There were gasps as during the spectacular fireworks display, Israeli cutlery fraud Uri Geller descended by parachute from behind a huge red cloud, and bent the iconic Eiffel tower almost double with the sheer force of his overbearing personality, then vanished in a puff of chemtrail smoke. Seconds later he reappeared from an enormous hollowed out elephant dressed as Hannibal and carrying a giant spoon. Levitating to the top of a huge spotlit podium he declared through a huge IDS megaphone that during the 2028 games in Italy, he was going to “straighten out the leaning tower of Pisa once and for all’, before being whisked away by a sinister drone.

WORSE NEWS
Officials have announce that from 2028, there will be an additional two week Games added to the growing list of Olympic Bore-a-Thons. The 2028 Participation Awards Games in Sydney will offer competitors with a lack of drive a chance to inflate their self-esteem and become functioning narcissists. “All medals will be gold and everyone will get one” head co-ordinator Bruce Numchuck told us, “and events, like Non-Contact Boxing, The Flat Ski-Jump, The Synchronised Egg Race and Horseless Dressage, will ensure that everyone gets a fair suck of the sauce bottle.”

DICTIONARY CORNER
Patrolling (v) stalking your father online
Musselini (n) – Italian seafood

WE’LL BE BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE
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BURGLARS STRIKE HITS HERSTMONCEAUX
Herstmonceaux Police have declared the ’quietest night in years’ as the burglars strike begins to bite. “We’ve got nothing to do” said Detective Sergeant Derek Plasticene, “It’s boring. Scrabble, Monopoly and table tennis may do very well as distractions, but are no substitute for real crime fighting.”
Talks are continuing with representatives of CATBO the burglar’s union and the police federation to see if an agreement can be reached.

POETRY KORNER
Falafal, by Emily Pastry

Some folk say falafel is awful
That it’s one molar short of a jaw full
But I say not true
would you rather eat poo?
Cos falafal’s not awful at allful

ENGLAND MANAGER LATEST:  
Shock appointee, ex –Hasting & St Leonards Warriors FC manager Jose Pypeban has defended his recent controversial team selection: “The skills necessary for international football management should not be confused with those required for non-league football – it is an altogether different kettle of fish” he told us, “The team shape and tactics are simply not the same and people seem to have a hard time understanding this. When the FA appointed me as England manager, it was not because of my years of experience in the Hobson’s Denture Fixative League (South), my unique attacking vision, or my sparkling outgoing personality. Quite the contrary; I was picked to manage the England football team because of the outstanding tactical skills acquired through years of stonewall defending and pinpoint-accurate arse kissing. That is why I am playing Vardy in goal.”

THEATRE NEWS
Theatrical impresario Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber has been ordered by the RSPCA to replace all human actors pretending to be cats in the show Cats with real cats. He is said to be ‘devastated’ by the news, claiming that real cats will take years just to learn the lines. let alone master the intricate choreography.

Sausage Life

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door’s garden.

Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

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JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

https://vimeo.com/user129836501

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