Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which thinks that if we didn’t have badgers no-one would know our names
MYSELF: What’s up sourpuss?
READER: It’s my foot. I got out of bed and trod on an upturned electrical plug.
MYSELF: Ouch! Painful! You should have put your slippers on straight away.
READER: That’s not as painful as stubbing your toe, which is what happened next.
MYSELF: Oh dear that is painful. What did you stub it on?
READER: My slippers.
PIGEONS IN FLIGHT
All this week on Dave you can watch Quentin Penguins’s TV adaptation of War Bird, Frank Dougan’s incredible documentation of the military carrier-pigeons of World War Two. Having given everything in order to advance the war effort, those brave pigeons who sacrificed their lives were posthumously promoted to the rank of captain and received full military honours. But it wasn’t just pigeons. In the penultimate episode, Dougan reminds us of those other species who made similar sacrifices; the mine-detecting performing fleas of Mongolia for instance, who cleared a safe path for the Allies through the humid Burmese jungle before being crushed underfoot by the advancing US infantry. Or Ronnie, the famous submarine-ramming rhinocerous who after the War was given a peerage but was never allowed to sit in the House of Lords.
HICCUP SORCERY
Professor Gordon Thinktank has come up with what he claims is the “definitive hiccups cure”, which he hopes will be approved by the General Medical Council in time for the summer. “Hiccups,” the inventor told us, “is a vastly underrated threat. The great tenor Caruso, for example, after a weekend vodka binge in a Turin bar in 1959, suffered from an attack which lasted over three years. The constant hiccupping rendered him totally incapable of performing live, and every recording during that period had to have thousands of hiccups edited out by skilful audio engineers before it could be released”. The professor, although pressed, would not reveal details of the cure, adding only that it may contain nuts and will be available at all branches of Wetherspoons.
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THEY SEEK HIM THERE
Sussex detectives still have no clues to the identity of the elusive cheese burglar known only as The Scarlet Parmesan, who breaks into houses, stealing only cheese. “We are devastated,” one traumatised victim said, “the worst part of it is the mouse droppings he leaves on the carpet in an attempt to mislead the police.”
“Some of this country’s finest forensic minds have been invited to look into this case,” Upper Dicker’s chief of police, Hydra Gorgon told us, “and they are, quite frankly, baffled.” When quizzed about wild online theories speculating on the true identity of The Scarlet Parmesan, she would only say this, “Sir Cliff Richard, Ant & Dec and Adrian Chiles, all known caseophiles, have been arrested, questioned and released without charge.”
HAMBURGERS CONTAINED HORSE
Government hygiene inspectors raided Upper Dicker’s hippest restaurant RIPE earlier this month. The premises were sealed off with scene of crime tape and police officers stood guard, as food analysts in white decontamination suits entered the building carrying racks of scientific equipment. Although all refused to comment, we have since received information from a reliable source which suggests that the restablishment, which boasts only food manufactured from fibreglass, has been serving its customers fibreglass hamburgers containing fibreglass horse.
“Yes, there was an incident with a burger,” manager Norman Rude (53) confessed when confronted with the evidence, “and it was found to contain traces of fibreglass horse. I mean traces in the sense that the fibreglass patty enclosed in the fibreglass bun was composed entirely of fibreglass horse”.
“Although these circumstances were completely beyond our control”, he went on, “our customers were, quite rightly, unamused. Ever since we opened as Upper Dicker’s first establishment catering exclusively to the fibreglass-eating community, we have been more or less fully booked every night. Rumours that this incident, or anyone involved in the management of RIPE, was in any way connected with the recent kidnapping of fibreglass thoroughbred racehorse Gulzar’s Folly from its paddock, are entirely unfounded. I would stress that according to experts, fibreglass horse is no more harmful than fibreglass beef when consumed in moderation”.
EVE’S DROPPINGS
I heard the following exchange in a well-known coffee emporium recently:
CUSTOMER: I’d like a Triple Mochalocca Mardi Gras with double caramel fudge, whipped cream, marzipan chips, extra chocolate, spiralized marshmallows and those things that look like miniature dolly mixtures.
BARISTA: Large madam?
CUSTOMER: How dare you! Anyway, what if I am? Your no Kate Moss yourself.
Sausage Life!
ATTENZIONE!‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door’s garden.Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)
Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!
NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH
JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA
CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDEROn September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.
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By Colin Gibson
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