Journeys from the Heart of the Street Writer – part four


I’m going to split this one into three parts: Youth, IN IT, and Goodbye – because me and ‘N’ where together for almost three years!


The first night after we first met ‘N’ got a lift into mines with her mum and she was shitting herself so much that when she got to mines she told her mum to drive away because she was scared of meeting up with me sober ha ha…

For the first couple of weeks we would just sit in my mum’s kitchen drinking cuppa after cuppa and just talk and get to know each other!

One night my mum was out with her work friends and we were getting hot and heavy on the sofa and she stopped me for a moment and said: are you going to do it or not? – I said: I didn’t know if you wanted to or not? – She looked at me and said: FUCK YEAH! – I just smiled and tore off my clothes and hers.

This was the start of our fan-fucking-tastic sex life!

One night she dressed up in a sexy outfit and I was doing her from behind and when I came I knew there was something wrong.

When I pulled out – the condom was broke and I fucking shit myself…

She sat up and sparked up a cigarette and told me to have one, but I shouted: this is no fucking time to be having a cigarette!!!!

She got the morning after pill in the morning and we dodged it: thank fuck!

Most nights we just made love and watched DVD’S and ate takeaways and we were so: in young fucking love!

Eventually I moved out of my mum’s and got my own place again and she started coming in most nights and she eventually stayed over most nights.

Now, she was scared to ask her parents if that was okay, but they were absolutely fine with it because she was her own woman now.

And… after all the sex she ever had before me: she never had an orgasm – not once!

When she came for the first time she went silent and left my house without saying two words while I was smiling away and laughing.

She text me when she got home and said: WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED? – I just started laughing my ass off and text back: there’s more where that came from ha ha!

Our sex life was so experimental (nothing left to the imagination) that she would suck my dick when I was talking to my dad on the phone, or wake me up in the middle of the night sucking it ha ha…

For her 21st birthday I took her away for a weekend holiday in a place called Portrush which is beside the sea and a beautiful town to just walk about in, and she loved playing the slot machines while we were there…

She saw this little ring in a jewellers in the town and she fell in love with it…

We went back to the hotel and when she fell asleep I ran over to the jewellers and bought it and placed it on her night stand and when she woke up and found it you would think I grabbed a star out of the sky and gave it to her… so, beautiful!!!!


Her parents broke up and some of her family members had died over a period of a few months and she moved in with me and shit got REAL!

She wasn’t happy with the bungalow I was living in and she wanted a house, so I went house hunting for us and eventually we found one she loved and we moved in.

So, she got what she wanted (even though I was happy enough) but you got to do what you got to do to keep them happy.

Eventually our sex life went out the window (it was so out the window that we started scheduling days to have sex and we weren’t married)…

I told her one night that I can’t be in a sexless relationship.

I was a bit bold with it and then my conscience came in and told me: don’t be a dick Paul!

I got up and started walking over to her side of the bed and I could hear her sobbing, like I could hear her tears falling on her delicate hands.

I told her I loved her – I hugged her and apologised for being a prick.

She got kinda lazy and would ask me to go to the shop every day for food and fags.

I did snap after a while and told her: I can’t even afford to smoke real fags everyday so how the fuck am I supposed to keep you on them?

She would usually just say: that’s fine, whatever! And I would snap and throw my shoes and hoodie on and go over and get what she needed and I would walk in, slam the door and throw the stuff on her lap and say: there you go!

She would say: you don’t have to be like that!

I wouldn’t respond, but we would always laugh afterwards ha ha…

And the entire time we were together she would never say ‘sorry’ even when she was in the wrong!

One thing she was disappointed in with me was: marriage life!

You see, I have never wanted that life with any woman I have ever been with and she would ask me every few months if I have changed my mind and I would always say: No.

One time she got so frustrated with me that she threw a remote control at me and it hit my leg and I said: what the fuck? And she replied: I missed!

(And Goodbye)

Throughout our relationship we broke up every now again and then made up, but she was about to go to university and live that life and that was the time I decided I would start off my writing career and share it publicly and see where it would go.

We sat down and came to an amicable agreement that we would be better off alone and going our separate ways.

She stayed one last night in our 2 year old home.

We sat watching American Pie and we got one last takeout, but she couldn’t handle it after we finished eating and went up to the room all night.

I never went up, I just left her alone!

When we woke up… she packed up her stuff – got into her car and drove back to her mum’s house but – of course I asked her: is it okay to kiss you one last time? And she said: yes. (Very softly)… I wanted it to end like the way it started!

She did text the next day asking if we could get back together and she poured her heart out into every message but I just said: no – and I know it upset her, but I knew for definite that we were better off following our different paths and WAYS!

And the funny thing is: I was putting money away for a ring! And when I told her, when she was picking the rest of her stuff up she said: I can’t wait to tell my mum that one…


Rejected Hearts


Paul Butterfield Jr


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