SAUSAGE 286

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which travels at the speed of time

MYSELF: I’m totes FUTTBT with people using all these daft acronyms all the time.
READER: FUTTBT?
MYSELF: Fed up to the back teeth. I mean FFS, they are just not necessary
READER: Unnecessary? Nonsense! NATO? UNESCO? ACAS? These organisations are the very essence of modern society without which we would be reduced to the status of uncivilised bogtrotters.
MYSELF: I see. In that case, I propose that we form a breakaway organisation called KUMQUAT. We can decide what it means later.     
READER: LOL, LMAO, etc.

THINGS TO DO THIS CHRISTMAS

Watch television. TV is especially sparkling at yuletide, and often features The Snowman, a film designed to get you off to sleep after lunch, so that the children can steal your alcohol. If you don’t own a television, buy something else to stare at, like a tank of tropical fish, or a tasteful nude by Modigliani.
Sell your soul. A Faustian pact always livens up a dull holiday – you can always borrow one if you need it.
Take up surfing. It keeps you fit, and a surfboard will always double as an ironing board in an emergency.
Learn to play a musical instrument. A jaunty tune played on the pianoforte will make any party go with a bang. However, a word of caution; when I was a chap of diminished stature, music was made by professionals, with proper jackets and music stands, and moustaches which curled up at the ends. Today it is all leather trousers, electronic organs and stereophonic sound, a combination which quite frankly, does not cut the mustard, so dress accordingly.
Apathy. Apathy is this year’s top hobby, and it’s easy to see why. Anyone can do it, all you need is an interest in virtually nothing, and a wide enough range of things to not care about.
Make your own crackers. All you need are the following items: some hollow cardboard tubes, such as you might find in a toilet roll, crepe paper, twisty freezer-bag ties, a small quantity of nitro-glycerine or plastic explosive, and a funny joke or riddle.

Here is an example to start you off:
Q: What does an octopus have on its underpants?
A: Squidmarks.

POSTBAGGAGE
Dear sir or madam, or inflatable doll, or whatever,
my husband Donald suffers from chronic wind, which quite frankly is ruining our social life. During a recent foursome of bridge, I was mortified with embarrassment by the chorus of parps issuing from the rear of Donald’s trouser area, which at times resembled a brass band attending a pet shop fire. He is a very fussy eater who will only consume Heinz baked beans directly from the tin, making eating out very difficult. Should I attempt to change his diet? Or could something else be the culprit vis a vis the flatulence problem?
Coco de Moule (Mrs), Upper Dicker

Dear Mrs de Moule,
Although I sympathise entirely with your problem, I am afraid at this stage, a diet change may be too dangerous to attempt. It should be pointed out that the cause of your partner’s petomania is most likely phenohybrilogeniheliophyll, a byproduct of the linoleum manufacturing process which is used by Heinz to prevent their flatulent, sugary legumes from tasting like goat faeces. My advice is to install an extractor fan in the rear of Donald’s trousers, with an outlet situated at the farthest end of the garden.

MEDIA NEWS
Facebook, TikTok and X (formerly Y?) have jointly announced that for the duration of Christmas, the use of several words and phrases including peeps and blessed are to be barred from online posts, after reports that drains are backing up due to excessive vomiting. A comprehensive list of all proscribed sentimental horseshit will be published shortly. In another shock statement issued by Hastings’ Chief Constable Hydra Gorgon, it was revealed that chemtrails, once thought to be a government plot to control our minds, are nothing of the sort and are, in fact, the accumulation of vapour clouds exhaled by vaping children.

SURREAL ESTATE
Delightful semi-detached period cottage in much sought after location close to local amenities. 7,000 bedrooms (3,862 en suite), plus bijou box room too small even for small boxes. Master bedroom with fitted walk-in Narnia wardrobe, time machine and steam operated champagne cooler. 150-acre kitchenette with built-in appliances including hovering microwave nutmeg grinder, fitted giraffe hook and motorcycle racing monkeys. Olympic size indoor ski slope with artificial carp lake, golf umbrella repair shop and circus facilities. Enormous rear garden with 200ft beanstalk and mature giant.
Would suit professional footballer or bus conductress. Offers in the region of £800b invited.

Sausage Life!

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door’s garden.

Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

https://open.spotify.com/album/2fHlSX6Dm7hEm9TUYkGUAN…

Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

https://vimeo.com/user129836501https://vimeo.com/user129836501

JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

https://vimeo.com/user129836501

SAY GOODBYE TO IRONING MISERY!
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Take years off your smalls with Botoxydol!
CAUTION
MAY CAUSE SMILEY FACE T-SHIRTS TO LOOK
INSINCERE