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Bird Guano
The column which occasionally says maybe when quite often it actually means perhaps
READER: I’ve had it with Netflix.
MYSELF: Yes, I know what you mean. Netflix is the new Blockbusters.
READER: At least at ‘Busters you would usually come home with something, even if it was an animated Finnish version of the film you actually wanted. What are we supposed to do now that proper live entertainment doesn’t exist any more? Like The Great British Panto Tradition – it’s all dead in the water!
MYSELF: That’s where you’re wrong. -For example last week I was lucky enough to get tickets to a socially distanced production of The 2020 Annual Vera Lynne Memorial End of Decadence Panto & Tea Dance at Upper DIcker Pilates Centre.
READER: Woof! That sounds edgy.
MYSELF: Edgy, gritty and dare I say it, daring. White Cliffs of Dover never sounded so fascist. I mean, where else would you come across a pantomime man worked by two real horses?
READER: Horses? Don’t be ridiculous. How would that work?
MYSELF: One at the front, one at the back.
READER: Of course.
MYSELF: After the show they had Covid-19 games; abstract expressionist face painting, pass the suspicious parcel, and later, after the children had cleared off, stilting.
READER: Stilting? What’s that?
MYSELF: I’m afraid I’ll have to tell you some other time, in private. This is a family paper, suffice it to say everyone went home smiling.
DICTIONARY CORNER
Poppycock (n) the shrivelled penis of an opium addict
Sewage (n) a bi-product of needlework
WARRIORS’ WOES
Hastings & St. Leonards Warriors’ new head coach, gifted psychic and amateur ventriloquist Seaton Sluice, (aka The Great Mento), is looking forward to levitating the sagging fortunes of the ailing soccer club.
“I predict that this club is destined for the future”, he told us without moving his lips, “I see great things ahead, going forward”.
No stranger to criticism, his controversial coaching methods include encouraging the team to communicate with the dead using a Ouija board, teaching them card tricks and conducting training sessions through Douglas his ventriloquist dummy.
“Douglas helps me get my tactics across to the players, some of whom are, frankly, a bit thick” he told us,
“Take battle-scarred midfield enforcer Nobby Balaclava for instance, who still has to have his boots labelled left and right, and Irish striker Finnigan Swake, well known for forgetting to wear his shorts when coaching the ladies team”.
Sluice, formerly manager of Herstmonceux Cannibals FC replaces disgraced Italian supremo Sergio ‘The Horse’ Peccadillo, whose departure coincides with accusations of inappropriate behaviour with team physio Sabrina Devine (aka Lulu LaVerne). She alleges that il capo showered her with a succession of suggestive gifts, including a studded leather apron illustrated with scenes from My Fair Lady and a set of saucy casserole dishes.
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ASK WENDY
unqualified advice for the terminally confused
BLACK CAT SAT MATTER
Issue 666 of Witch, the consumer magazine dedicated to occult-based mumbo-jumbo, features an interview with Hastings inventor Professor Gordon Thinktank, in which he recommends that all black cats be fitted with his latest innovation, an anti-bad luck device dubbed The Cat-Nav. The satellite-linked helmet automatically detects when an innocent stroller’s path is likely to be crossed and transmits an electronic image of a plump, delicious mouse directly into the predatory area of the cat ‘s brain. This distracts the animal and also emits a warning siren, prompting the pedestrian to take evasive action. The inventor is also, according to Witch, working on a ladder which automatically folds up when anyone attempts to walk under it.
ASK THE JUDGE
Readers’ legal questions addressed by Lord Justice Hyphen-Hyphen, QC & Bar (Leonem Rubrum)
Dear Your Worship
As a one-man pantomime swan act, I implore you to settle this question once and for all. Are pantomime swans required to conform to the same Equity regulations as pantomime horses? I mean, does there have to be one small actor in the front and another one in the back? I enclose a publicity shot of me in my one-man-operated swan costume, described by Stage magazine as “more swan-like than the real thing”. However thanks to intense union pressure, I now find myself effectively blacklisted in the pantomime swan community.
Melvin Twollet, Hartlepool
THE VERDICT:
I am sorry to hear of your current employment difficulties, but as a matter of health and safety, Equity rule 2177114b specifies plainly that there should at all times be two small actors inside every pantomime swan, (see Quigley vs Theatre Royal Doncaster 1948), principally so that the one in the rear can act as a guard.
Your Honour,
Is it true that if one is bitten by, or receives a severe scratch from the claws of a badger (Meles meles), one might eventually turn into a badger? What I would like to know is, if that were to occur, where would one stand legally?
Beatrice Rasputin (Mrs), Lilliputtenden, W.Sussex
THE VERDICT:
An interesting question, which brings immediately to mind the notorious precedent of Schultz v Stott (Nottingham Magistrates Court 1973). After being bitten by a badger whilst working a nightshift, window-cleaner Darren Schultz woke up the following afternoon with the overwhelming impression that he was a badger. With the aid of expensive hair dyes and a fortune spent on nose operations, he was eventually able to, as he put it, “go and live in the woods with my people”.
During the afforementioned court appearance, resulting from his arrest for causing a nuisance in the garden of former neighbor Willie Stott, council for the defence maintained that since he now lived in the woods and foraged for insects and the occasional earthworm, and furthermore had been cautioned on four occasions for urban bin raiding, he should be classed as a badger. One witness for the prosecution swore under oath that Mr. Schultz, had given TB to one of his cows. The magistrate, former dairy farmer Wilhelmina Salamander would have none of this, ruling that becoming like a badger was not the same as becoming a badger, and ordered the defendant to be culled.
Sausage Life!
POISON PEOPLE
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POISON PEOPLE
POISON PEOPLE
PEOPLE POISON
GONNA MESS UP ON YOUR SCENE
ITS DANGER DANGER
FROM PEOPLE POISON
MAN THEIR SPIRIT IS SO MEAN
THEY GOT SLEAZE
DESEASE
KNOCK KNEES AND SCANDALESE
THEY TAKE MY PSYCHE AND THEY GRIND IT DOWN
SLAP A MASK ON MY FACE WHEN THEY COME AROUND
SLASH THE MUSCLES THAT MAKE ME STRONG
FORCE A DRUG UP MY NOSE WHERE IT DOES NOT BELONG
THOSE POISON PEOPLE ARE THE PITS
DEEP DOWN THEY’RE SO SHALLOW
BULLSHIT BRAINS
THEIR STRAIGHT AND NARROW
YOU’VE MET EM
DON’T LET ‘EM
FUCK WITH YOUR HEAD
THEYD LIKE TO SEE YOU DEAD
OR BLIND YOUR EYES
WITH THERE BRAINLESS LIES
TIL THE HATE THEY BRING
AND THE SHIT THEY SLING
WITH THEIR DIRTY MINDS
GET YOU ALL THE TIME
POISON PEOPLE
PEOPLE POISON
YOUVE GOT TO STAY OUT OF THEIR WAY
ITS DANGER DANGER
FROM PEOPLE POISON
ITS THE HIGH PRICE THAT YOU PAY
WHAT MORE CAN I SAY?
WALK WITH THE ANIMALS AND TALK TO THE TREES
IN SPLENDID ISOLATION YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU PLEASE
BUT LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THE WORDS I WROTE
IF PEOPLE GET TO BITE YOU
THERE’S NO ANTIDOTE
POISON PEOPLE DRAG YOU DOWN
ITS DANGER DANGER
FROM PEOPLE POISON
MAN THEIR SPIRIT IS SO MEAN
POISON PEOPLE DRAG YOU DOWN
DOWN
DOWN