SAUSAGE LIFE 246

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column that comes with its own cat flap

MYSELF: Why the long face?
READER: I’ve been hacked
MYSELF: What makes you think you’ve been hacked?
READER: I got this text message on tik tok or skype or the internet thingy.
MYSELF: Are you sure that wasn’t an email?
READER: An Email, that’s the one. As you know I love emails, but what do you make of this?

Dear Mr & Mrs Lwellyn,
Thank you for enquiry. The answers to your questions are as follows

Yes
A mixture of sand, cheese and concrete, with water added
A type of rubbery snack
Seven, including the waiter
Not without a protective hat
Lumpy
I’m not at liberty to answer that one
3 bags (full)
The Big Rock Candy Mountain
A rare form of Belgian yeast mould
As long as you hold your breath
Why not? I do
Just try and remember where you put them when you came in
No! You would be electrocuted

MYSELF: Apart from the fact that you are not Mr & Mrs Llewellyn, I don’t really see why any of that would lead you to suspect that you have been hacked.
READER: Really? What about this then? My facebook page now lists me as Tam McSmooter, Third Laird of Brackie Burn, Hootsmon Hoose, The Noo, Caledonia and my occupation as Co-Chairman of the Flatter Earth Society
MYSELF: The Flatter Earth Society? This sounds a lot more serious than I thought. Aren’t they batshit bonkers?
READER: Well, they actually make a lot of credible points about gravity, I’ve checked them out on Wikipedia. They believe the earth to be much flatter than that claimed by the Flat Earth Society and that the moon is a hologram belonging to Elon Musk.
MYSELF: I had no idea the flat earth theory was so controversial.
READER: Oh yes! I also found out there’s yet another theory, propogated by a group who call themselves The Even Flatter Earth Society, which claims that…..
MYSELF: Hello? You’ve gone offline. Hello? Hello?

STOP PRESS: FISH TO HAVE PASSPORTS
Shellfish and amphibians face deportation in immigration crackdown (see back page).

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
As a Gemini, you are two completely different people. One is a debt consolidator from the Hague with a stammer, the other a Ukranian ballerina named Rita Pavlova, who performs the pas de deux from Les Sylphides every time her trained sealion honks She’ll be Comin’ Round the Mountain on the musical car horns. Get a life.
Cancer (22 June 23 July)
Career prospects for cancerians look promising although a job as assistant head of accordion sales may not be what it seems. A punch in the mouth from a window cleaner really hurts.
Leo (24 July-23 August)
Leo. Leo? What kind of a name is that? Do yourself a favour. Change it to something like “Bill”, or if you are a woman, “Frank”.
Virgo (24 August-23 September)
It’s no coincidence that you, like many other Virgos, have recently lost a hat. Beware of a brief flirtation with a gynocologist on the 25th. A deaf postman delivers bad news using international sign language.
Libra (24 September-23 October)
Let’s face it, nobody likes a smartarse.
Capricorn (22 December-20 January) Take that smirk off your face, your flies are undone. Remember, a Moose is a large, powerful animal, not at all suitable as a pet. Think again!
Aquarius (21 January-19 February) They say an ill wind blows nobody any good, but with Pluto in the forecourt and Uranus upended, don’t count on it. Remember, German is a difficult language and not to be trifled with.
Pisces (20 February-20 March) It’s all about shoes this month. Brogues and espadrilles will help you take full advantage of Jupiter’s domineering shyness. Tennis shoes could play a significant role where romance is concerned, unless you are Italian or in the grocery business.
Aries (21 March-20 April) Aren’t you sick of sausages? What do you think goes into them? Pisces is lurking just around the corner, so resist the urge to join the armed forces, particularly the navy. An aunt sends you a postal order, which you spend on sausages.
Taurus (21 April-21 May) The bad tempered nature of Taurians is well documented, and will be exacerbated this month by the full moon’s unrelenting sarcasm. Stay calm, take a deep breath and count to ten, you ignorant fat wanker.
Saggitarius (24 November-21 December)
Romance is in the air. A Gipsy princess has a letter for you bearing an Austrialian postmark. Your metals are Lead and Aluminium, so you should wear pink and speak with a big stick. Penguins bring you luck, but cannot prevent your bicycle from being stolen by Germans.

INTERNATIONAL SPORT: LATEST
BRAVE BRITS BUGGERED BY BRAZILIANS
Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC 0 AC Somos Todos Chamados Ronaldo 8
By your man on the terraces with the poison tipped umbrella and the rolled-up copy of Pravda
Scandal-dogged Italian manager Sergio Peccadillo’s band played on as his unsinkable team of Titanic Terriers gurgled to the bottom of the ocean they call the qualifying stages of the Nuclear Waste Disposal Solutions World Club Trophy 2022, clobbered by the unstoppable iceberg they call AC Somos Todos Chamados Ronaldos.
I watched the defeated heroes of Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC as they waited for the bus to their digs at Mrs Yokohama’s Gentlemen’s Boarding House, some of them weeping openly. I caught up with manager Sergio Pecadillo as he relaxed with curvy team physio Lulu LaVerne in the Jacuzzi of his air conditioned Sauna-Style luxury caravan parked in a nearby secluded lane.
“They played with a lot of flair, which we weren’t expecting. The ball was too round, which made kicking it very unpredictable. Their entire squad is called Ronaldo which meant we never knew who they were passing it to. Our hotel was above an all-night dentist, so we didn’t get enough sleep because of the constant drilling and screaming. They also brought their own voodoo witch doctor who stuck pins into effigies of Craig Cattermole, causing his haemorrhoids to flair up. One of the Ronaldos had an effigy of Liz Truss tattoed on his chest and lifted his shirt whenever any of my players threatened to tackle him. Goalkeeper Tim Smegma, had an ice-cream headache and Nobby Balaclava’s trousers didn’t come back from the cleaners in time so he had to play in a skirt.” the Italian told me, pouring the team physio another glass of champagne.
“Furthermore I would like to quash once and for all the rumours concerning physio Miss LaVerne and myself. A bloke gets photographed in a layby without his kit on in the back seat of a girl’s Volvo and everybody jumps to conclusions. At least this defeat will get my knob off the front pages.”

RESULTS:
Hobson’s Denture Fixative League (south),
St Kilda Macaroons 32 Maidstone Beehive 12
Accrington Lugworms 4 Chelmsford Woodpeckers 21
Wokingham Tabernacle 5 Dudley Rubbernecks 47
Castleford Lemmings 56 Doberman Intellectuals 14
Hungerford Warlocks 18 Manningtree Cheesemongers 11
Wexford Limbo 3 Ullswater Cannibals 46
Rutland Straitjackets 0 Stratford Transylvanians 88
Godalming Whippersnappers 5 Newmarket Spaniels 12
Toxteth Calisthenics 32 Hartlepool Wendyhouse 16
Bournemouth Terydactyls 8 Etchingham Moths 35
Gillingham Futon 9 Stalybridge Verrukas 0
Morton Spoonbenders 55 Channel Light Vessel Automatics 4

Here are some jokes for the new woke consensus, incorporating the very latest
post-ironic modernism:-

Q: How many unicorns would it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is practically no evidence whatsoever to support the existence of the unicorn, and even if there was, the lack of an apposite thumb would make it extremely difficult to even pick up a light bulb, let alone change it.

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are shipwrecked on a desert
island, with no food, water or shelter. Dehydrated and nearing starvation, they search the island for sustenance. They are on the point of exhaustion when the Irishman comes running up to the others with a beautiful golden bottle he has found washed up on the beach. Excitedly, they all begin polishing the bottle, using J-Cloths salvaged from their wrecked ship. Despite all the rubbing, absolutely nothing happens, and within a week all three are dead.

A lion walks into a crowded bar and orders five large scotches. In the ensuing panic, several customers are fatally trampled. The lion downs the scotches, eats the barman, and despite being drunk, manages to beat two regulars at darts before being shot by police marksmen.

Q: What’s the difference between an orange and a bicycle?
A: None. All things are equal in the Eyes of the Lord. Hare Krishna.

Sausage Life!

Colin Gibson • Emmet Ives • Anita Makris

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