SAUSAGE LIFE 279

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column with a mobile phone in every room

READER: Looks like Vlad the Inhaler got his revenge on that Wagner bloke who used to be a window cleaner. You know what they xsay, revenge is a dish best served cold, in business class.
MYSELF:  Be that as it may, but a lot of people forget about warm revenge. If your having a barbecue in November for example, or if you’re receiving first aid after falling through thin ice on a frozen Scandinavian lake, a bowl of warm revenge, perhaps with a glass of mulled Schadenfreude, can be just the ticket for boosting the circulation, and restoring a warm glow to the cheeks.
READER: Unless of course it was a genuine accident.
MYSELF: Quite so. In view of his recent history though, I think it’s only fair we should give Mr Putin the benefit of the doubt.

CRAZY ROLF
Every year the International Miniature (don’t call it Crazy!) Golf Tournament is hosted at the championship course on Hastings’ seafront. The current holders, crack German team, The Teutonic Teeboys, has already arrived here to prepare for the next encounter, due to take place in June 2024. During a torrential downpour, team captain Rolf Schlepper broke off training to talk to me about their careful preparations to lift the trophy for a record breaking 17th consecutive year;
    “Your English weather is full of wind”, he told me from beneath a giant, partially destroyed golf umbrella, “and we do not like this. On the third hole for example, the sails of the windmill go around so fast that the doors at the bottom do not open long enough for a regular ball to enter. This is why we have in the laboratory developed a new ball which is slightly rounder than the old ball. We have even spoken with Hastings’ famous inventor Gordon Thinktank, who has agreed to supply us with his revolutionary motorized putter, which incorporates a tungsten laser – guided shaft with a fake leopardskin grip. Although it is true that the rest of my team, Klaus Wunderbra and new member Deiter Klansmann, are megastars in the world of MiniGolfputten, it will always be necessary to make arrangements so that it is certain that we are triumphant”.

DON’T MENTION THE WATER HAZARD
When I asked Rolf whether there was any special strategy planned for the 2015 competition, he sneered, straightened out his artificial robot arm and made a noise like a chicken before replying;
    “So, you wish to see our plans Englischer Scheisskopf? Ha! We have developed a perfect plan which is unbeatable and which is impossible to counter. Our caddy, Horst Scheiße, will be paying particular attention to the ninth hole, The Big Clown Head, which is the most difficult. New team member Deiter Klansmann is the specialist for this hole, which requires a perfect 9-iron tee shot to clear the water hazard and collide sharply with the red nose, causing the clown’s mouth to open wide. This must be followed by a lightning putt to the exposed tonsils.
  A dark teutonic shadow spread over the captain’s rain spattered face as he told me;   
    “The Big Clown Head was the only hole we did not win at the 2014 contest. This was the reason for the tragic suicide of our star player Gottfried Schtumm, who last Christmas Eve drove his top-of-the-range Audi to Potsdam and beat himself to death with a sand wedge”.

READER: Its difficult to believe now, but the British invented this game.
MYSELF:  I know, we should never have admitted foreigners. 

READERS’ LETTERS IN BRIEF
To Mr Donald Sinbad of Dymchurch: No, it is not possible to catch racism from a toilet seat, although you can catch it by drinking pomegranate juice, droning on about how you ran the half marathon without dropping dead, or simply by standing next to a jockey during an eclipse. 

To Mrs. Beatrice Rasputin of Lilliputtenden:
Absolutely not. Always leave the cellophane wrapping on in case of snakes.

FILM NEWS
Paws III (The Revenge) is coming!

 

According to Hollywood gossip the British-based production will star OJ Simpson as Brad Hindley, an innocent murderer who finds a stray kitten left on his doorstep. After it begins to display violent tendencies, Hindley flushes it down the lavatory, and during a terrifying journey through London’s Victorian sewer system, it is tormented by giant mutant alligators. Finally, due to the enormous amounts of dangerous chemical waste, the cat begins to mutate, gaining immense bulk. After eating the ‘gators it is pumped into an Essex reservoir by a ruthless water company, where it begins to mate with the fish. Retired detective Dan Fortune (Ray Palooka) smells a rat, as one by one, local teenage skateboarding anglers start to disappear, leaving behind only their elbow pads.

READER:  Oh come on! Cats mating with fish? Elbow pads?
MYSELF:  The elbows were still in them.
READER:  Ew!

VIRTUE SIGNALS
Dave Peacock, captain of Hastings & St Leonards Women’s football team, has posted an appeal on their TikTok channel for fans to coin a nickname for the team in time for the Lillett’s World Ladies Championships next season. Suggestions so far include The Warrioresses, The Female Hamsters, The Fluffy Kittens and current favourite The Baby Moo-Cows.

 

Sausage Life!




Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

 

 



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