SAUSAGE 348

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which is less than the sum of its parts

READER: I see there’s been a collossal plunge in the availability of entry level jobs.

MYSELF: Says who?

READER: The Managing Director of Next.

MYSELF: Plunge you say?

READER: Yes, a collossal plunge. Thankfully AI has arrived just in the nick of time, like the US Cavalry or Superman.

MYSELF: Artificial Intelligence?

READER: (irritated) Yes AI. Precisely. Get used to it. It’s going to sort everything out. The Big Tech Boffins are confidently predicting an enormous upswing in vital job opportunities once they begin constructing a vast data scraping centre the size of Darlington.

MYSELF: Vital job opportunities aside, some reckless commentators have implied that the very technology itself could be implicated in the cause of this dramatic nose dive in entry-level employment.

READER: And who are these commentators? I’ll tell you who. Troublemakers. Despite what they say, it’s statistically inevitable that Grok and Chat GtP will eventually, like infinite monkeys, bring an end to all wars and find the cure for everything.

MYSELF: Interestingly, both Grok and Chat GpT correctly point out that AI’s ability to eliminate all human interaction in entry level jobs also eliminates the necessity of hiring anyone to do them in the first place.

READER: Luddites all of them! AI is the way forward. When the Romans invented the wheel, many predicted the end of civilisation- how wrong they were! Let’s face it, where would we be without that wheel now?

MYSELF: We would all be stuck at home, instead of out enjoying the lovely hot weather, in our cars, crawling slowly along the A2 towards Dover.

READER: Exactly. And apparently AI drones are now able to search and destroy shipments of counterfeit football strips worth millions, smuggled in by foreign gangs.

MYSELF: Amazing. Money well spent. And all this on top of writing novels, plays and poetry, composing music and painting pictures. It’s like The Renaissance but without having to put up with all that art.

READER: And let’s not forget AI’s uncanny ability to do fantastically realistic impressions of people! What’s not to like for Grok’s sake?

MYSELF: One can barely imagine the relief of all those actors, artists and musicians, finally released from the tedium of creativity. Your argument is both irresistible and irresponsible in equal measure.

READER: Thank you. I’m getting through at last.

FOOTBALL FRACAS
Warriors in extra time VAR nightmare
Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC 0 Upper Dicker Macaroons 8
Angry Warriors fans went on the rampage in Hastings town centre last saturday after the side’s desperate position at the bottom of the Nuclear Waste Disposal Solutions League (south) was compounded by a ruthless Upper Dicker performance.
The VAR decision to reward the visitors a controversial penalty in the 116^th minute, taking the Macaroons’ tally to 8 infuriated recently appointed manager Raphael Ratatouille. He spoke to us from Warrior Stadium’s heavily-barricaded hospitality suite as a mob outside chanted obscenities and threw fireworks.
“VAR?” he railed, “They must be hallucinating. Whatever they’ve had, I’d like some! VAR has made the wrong decision yet again as the replays will clearly show! Fair play, that last penalty kick is only going to increase our goal difference by one,” he shouted over the sound of breaking windows, “but who knows how crucial that could be at the end of the season?”
Highly respected referee Ted Brybe, who is a big Warriors fan, had a perfect view of the incident. “When midfield enforcer Craig Cattermole accidentally stubbed out a lit cigarette on their centre back Dan Wardrobe forehead,” he told us “he was visibly a yard outside the penalty area which is why I made the decision to wave play on. I’m telling you” he said, donning a false beard and glasses as he made his escape through the emergency exit, “VAR is killing the game“

BY-ELECTION BATTLE HOTS UP
Ron Gravy, former head of the right wing British Gravytrain Party (BGP), has decided to come out of retirement and throw his hat in the ring as an independent candidate in the upcoming Makerfield by-election which could determine the next Prime Minister. “Following the descent of the BGP since I left, into an ill-disciplined disorganised rabble, I wanted to have nothing more to do with politics. But after much thought I have decided to re-enter the arena after realising that interfering in things which I really couldn’t care less about and inciting hatred and intolerance are the two things I miss most. I view this by election as The Battle of Britain, in which I will either rise up like the mighty Phoenix, or plunge in a blaze of glory, like the brave pilot of a Spitfire, into the sun-dappled English Channel”.

POUNDALL ROCKET FAILS
Poundall’s billionaire owner Farley Rusk, whose CheapSpace company plans to launch a fully staffed prefabricated warehouse-rocket stocked with melamine shelving, revolving screwdrivers and inflatable furniture which is scheduled to reach the planet Jupiter by 2056, has had a setback.
His rocket Dildo 69 exploded shortly after blast off during a test-flight at a disused Holiday camp in Rhyl, which was simultaneously holding a secret pop-up 1970s Punk Weekender featuring legendary band Imaginary Munchies, punk poet Putrid Skank and DJ Sam Bacteria. Rusk has apologised for the fatal explosion, which killed 500 people and was was so loud it could be heard in Aberystwyth.

SELFIE-INFLICTED HARM
After a recent report that more people have died whilst taking selfies than swimmers fatally attacked by sharks, a Sausage Life investigation has uncovered a secret government document exposing other high-risk activities which have been overtaken as a cause of death by selfies.
Even though this bombshell will be totally ignored by the deep state half-man/half-lizard so-called fake news mainstream media, we have decided, against the advice of our libel lawyers, to publish and be damned.
More people have popped their clogs due to auto-photographic narcissism than those who have:
1. Shaken hands with a leper
2. Eaten poisonous mushrooms
3. Taken a holiday on a cruise ship
4. Been trampled by a runaway pantomime horse
5. Toasted marshmallows over the edge of an active volcano
6. Worn tartan socks with brogues

Sausage Life!

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door’s garden.

Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

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JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

https://vimeo.com/user129836501

SAY GOODBYE TO IRONING MISERY!
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CAUTION
MAY CAUSE SMILEY FACE T-SHIRTS TO LOOK
INSINCERE