The column which thinks coincidence is contemporary, whereas fate is retrospective
MYSELF: Whats wrong with you this morning?
READER: Its the Test match. I’m so disgusted with Australia.MYSELF: Why? Because they won?
READER: You don’t understand do you? Cricket is not just a game, it’s the embodiment of English history, manners and tradition and thus requires an unspoken, gentlemanly code of conduct which the crude Aussies simply do not possess.
MYSELF: Oh I don’t know about that. I reckon they’re easily as racist as us.
READER: Your cynicism knows no bounds does it? I’m talking about the disgraceful behaviour at Lords when Bairstow strayed out of his crease and was stumped by the Aussie wicketkeeper in direct contravention of the unwritten rules.
MYSELF: He strayed out of his crease?
MYSELF: Don’t the written rules say you have to remain inside your crease?
READER: The written rules say that yes.
MYSELF: So when he was having a little stroll outside his crease the wicketkeeper threw the ball, hit the wicket and Bairstow was given out by the umpire, as laid down in the rules?
MYSELF: And you’re cross about that?
MYSELF: Well I’m stumped. But since the cricket season is in full swing, and many people are as bamboozled as I am by the idiosyncrasies of the noble game, here is a brief glossary of cricket terms for the uninitiated:-
All out – the outcome of unsuccessful negotiations between the cricketers union (WOMBAT), and the MCC.
Appeal – the thing people find attractive about cricketers
Box – ball container
Inswinger – a sexually liberated agaraphobic
Outswinger – batsman who has eschewed the box
All rounder -see outswinger
Backlift – see outswinger
Batting – Dogging, for vampires.
The slips – debilitating intestinal condition, often acquired by test cricketers on tours of the subcontinent
Caught behind – see slips
Follow through – see slips
Crease – the sharp line in a batsman’s trousers
Outfield – a place for post-match sexual assignments
Dead rubber – used contraceptive device often found in the outfield
Stumps – affectionate nickname for Harry, the long serving double-amputee groundsman at Lords
Duck – tactic for avoiding for avoiding bouncers
Hat trick – rabbit produced from a cricket box
Googly – drunk
Full toss – see dead rubber
Maiden over – see outfield, dead rubber
Lob – see full toss
Straight bat – heterosexual flying rodent – see batting
EMINEM – ART OR ARSE?
I am writing to defend the artist Tracy Eminem, whose unfair treatment by you and the rest of the male dominated media really gets my coat (goat surely? – ed). Tracy is right to be upset by such criticism. She, on her own, has singlehandedly dragged the so-called art world away from the paternal dominance of the Old Masters (no mistresses in there I notice-Hah!), and into the kicking screaming 21st shentury (sic). I seriously doubt that any of you so-called art critics (men to a man no doubt!) possess even a fraction of the intelligence, integrity or commitment required to sleep in the same sheets for nine months. Furthermore, I would be hard pressed to remember the names of the last five blokes I’d slept with, let alone the last 52!
Bob Ulala (Ms)
although this column is called ‘Sausage Life’ it would be quite wrong to assume that this is a euphemism for the penis. As you can see from the photo above I am a supple female, unadorned with the devil’s snake. Furthermore, Mr Arthur ‘Bird’ Guano is the epitome of a well-balanced gentleman, fully conversive with the finer points of gender.
Here we go again with the gay-leaning hippy drippy boo-hoo brigade determined to ban fox hunting. What do they know about the countryside with their hovermowers and electrical gadgetry? For heaven’s sake-the fox is a menace, not a cuddly fluffball to keep your silk pyjamas in!
In my area, rogue foxes regularly pluck babies out of prams and are known to perform human sacrifices. Last August an entire reservoir in Surrey emptied overnight, cutting off the water supply to over 100,000 households. Three old age pensioners dried.The culprit? – Old foxy. If democracy is to survive, we must act ruthlessly and stamp out the international fox menace for good. If God had meant foxes to dominate the earth, He wouldn’t have created johdpurs.
I myself was recently assaulted and robbed by three masked foxes on my way to block a road with my tractor. I may be wrong, but I thought I saw one of them sneering.
Bob Hayseed (faarmer)
WENDY WRITES: Do any of our readers have any views on the domination of the world by foxes?
When is Marzo the astrologer to the stars due back? That Japanese bloke you got in is useless. He makes astrology sound like some groundless, unscientific mumbo-jumbo cooked up to satisfy the crude spiritual yearnings of morons.
WENDY WRITES: Crude spiritual yearnings should not be dismissed out of hand. We at Sausage Life are of the opinion that that Morons have just as much right to believe in unscientific mumbo-jumbo as Roman Catholics, Jews and Muslims. Marzo arrived back two weeks ago, but was delayed by airport security. He has assured us that he will be back at the helm as soon as the lab results are confirmed.
Go-Home secretary Cruella Braverman is being sued by professor Gordon Thinktank, the celebrated Hastings inventor. Thinktank has engaged the much feared Geordie legal team of Ganon, Hadaway & Shayte in order to oppose what they contend to be a “bogus and plagiaristic patent application” from the gargoyle-faced arse-kisser.
The application in question is for The Squirrelator, a powerful steam-powered squirrel gun, which, the inventor claims, is based on his own compressed-air mole castrating device The Nutwaster.
Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!
NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH
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“Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn’t do anything”
By Colin Gibson
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